I'm an extremely frustrated parent, how do I deal with this?

Question

My daughter had a troubled adolescence. She messed up, made some bad mistakes and we, especially I, had to be harsh. For some time I had to ground, had to take aaway almost everything, sometimed had to sat some hard words to make her awake. Sometimes I had to tell her I couldn't trust her, thgough she asked for my trust. I agre she went through some hard periods, until she grew up and got responsible. She turned out to be a grat young adult, is 24,graduated, has a job, very respected as a person and as a professional. But hates me, says I was too harsh, destroyed her teen years, doesn't talk me, doesn't even let me in her apartment. She says she wants to forget about everything related to her teen years and I'm closed related to them, A bad and sad memory to her. She' s 24, is about to get married with a guy I hardly know. I did everything to turn her into a responsible girl and she hates me. This is frustrating, sad. And I don't see no chance at all.

Answer 1

All you can do is wait until she has children she will one day understand. I had the same upbringing I was always getting grounded and I hated my mother and when I moved out I stayed away from her for a long time. About 5 years ago when my son was 6, I started to understand why I was grounded so much and why she was so hard on me. She made me the person and the mother I am today, and I dont want to dote on myself but I think I am a pretty good mom. I still have guilt to this day for treating her the way I did and she will someday too. I believe one day she will come around.Just be patient I know that is hard but you'll see. Just remember she is only 24 thats young but she will see the error of her ways one day I truly believe that. Good Luck!!!

Answer 2

The following came from .vato from Answers:
Some day when my children are old enough to understand the logic that motivates a parent, I will tell them, as my Mean Mom told me. I loved you enough to ask where you were going, with whom, and what time you would be home.
I loved you enough to be silent and let you discover that your new best friend was a creep.
I loved you enough to stand over you for two hours while you cleaned your room, a job that should have taken 15 minutes.
I loved you enough to let you see anger, disappointment, and tears in my eyes. Children must learn that their parents aren't perfect.
I loved you enough to let you assume the responsibility for your actions even when the penalties were so harsh they almost broke my heart.
But most of all, I loved you enough to say NO when I knew you would hate me for it.
Those were the most difficult battles of all. I'm glad I won them, because in the end you won, too. Someday when your children are old enough to understand the logic that motivates parents you will tell them. . .
.vato stated that this wasn't all of the Mean Mom statement but I think we get the just. I wish I had the whole thing. I hope it makes you feel better.

Answer 3

The love between parent and child should be unconditional. You apparently didn't practice that. As a 54yr old woman who's mother subscribes to the same argument you present as an excuse for your behavior as a parent, I can sympathize with your daughter. This is what I told my mother just two days ago. What I want from you is take responsibility for your poor parenting and an apology. I have the advantage of having raised lovely daughters, much like yours only I learned from my mothers lack of nurturing and unconditional love and I did a better job. Your daughter will also, hopefully.

Examine your behavior and look at it with honesty, and see if you didn't over react, put conditions on your love and generally acted like a bully rather than a father.

Answer 4

Relationships need to be 'blow-hot-blow-cold' at times. In your case, it appears that you were harsh when you needed to be, but forgot to be affectionate when opportunities permitted.

Also, humans have a natural tendency to recall bad times more often than good times....its easy to recall the bad qualities of a family member as opposed to their good qualities. Your daughter is no exception. And if you think carefully, you too are falling into the same trap by talking about her negatives.

Try remembering the good times she gave you and focus on them.

Also try to ignore her behaviour to you and continue the efforts subtly.

Finally, the most effective way around this problem is to get someone SHE TRUSTS to explain your viewpoints to her. I know such a person is always available, but difficult to find. Such persons always have tremendous contributions in dousing the fires in relationships and could be her friends or anyone she trusts.

It will take time, but if you keep up the efforts, you'll win her trust. Be prepared for a long haul here.

Answer 5

You have to let her make her own decisions and come to terms with being an adult. You can't make her see things your way.

I would write her a letter, telling her why you made the decisons you did and ask her to picture herself as the mother of a teenage girl. What decisions would she make? I wouldn't criticise her - the letter would not be the place to do it and it would only fuel her resentment.

Remind her that you will always love her and miss not being in her life. Tell her that you will always have an open door and that you will welcome her into your arms when she is ready.

She has clearly not reconciled herself with her past. Perhaps she needs to get things in perspective and see things through the eyes of the adult she is now and not as a petualnt teenager.

It is very easy to hurt someone who is making themselves readily available to be hurt. Take a step back and let her see you from a distance. She may then grow up and realise what she is missing.

Good luck.

Answer 6

There's more to this situation than you're telling. Why has your father allowed this behavior to continue for so long if what you say is true? Talk to him.

Answer 7

I left home, hating my parents, got married without thier blessings let alone thier approval. When I gave birth to my eldest child I then only called my mom up and thanked her for giving birth to me. I now have a easy relationship with both my parents and just recently my son did something reminiscent of what I did and I was very upset with him, and my dad reminded me of what I did and now I understand that how and why he did what he did and now I do the same. Lets hope I don't lose my caildren in the process due to loving them and wanting to look out for them.

Answer 8

Perhaps the truth is somewhere between your version (my daughter was a horrible child and she only turned out okay as an adult because of my parenting) and your daughter's version (my mother was so harsh when I was a child that I'll probably need years of therapy).

You might consider admitting that you made mistakes - all of us parents make mistakes, big and little.

Answer 9

Write her a letter. Tell her how much you love her and have always had her best interest at heart, and that you are sorry if she thinks you were too harsh on her. Also tell her how very proud of her you are.

Answer 10

Am sorry to hear that.But nevertheless, try to explain to her that you are the only mum for her and what you used to do was just trying to help her be a responsible child.And then for the trust part,since you never used to trust her,try to ask for forgiveness because she has really challenged you.She is now a profession.She has achieved what she wanted and now looking forward to getting married.Tell her that you are sorry for underrating her,and say you are honoured to have a child like her because you never thought she can do what she has actually done for you.