coming out... as questioning?

Question

Is it weird to come out as questioning? Does it really count as coming out at all?

I go to a LGBTQA group at my college and today we shared coming out stories, which I found motivating. I came out as a lesbian two years ago, but while I like women, I see myself as a man. I am still in the closet about my gender identity.

So can I come out of the closet and be openly questioning of my trans-ness (I don't know if I'm transgendered or transsexual)? Or should I stay in until I figure it out?

Answer 1

Ira,

I don't think it's weird at all to come out as "questioning". Does it really count? I think it depends on the group your coming out to and how you go about it. There really isn't any clear rules for "coming out", so it all depends on how you yourself view it. For example, if you go to a therapist and reveal to them that your GLBT, did you "come out"? The answer is, yes you did, to that person. Does that mean your "out"? No it doesn't. To be truly "out" means you don't hide who and what you are from our society at large. Then, you live with the results, good or bad. And there will be both. Few people in this world are truly fully "out". Most are out only to certain portions of society and they are usually to those that can be trusted. Gays and Lesbians can be out, and live their lives pretty much normally. People who are Trans, especially while going through transition, can't hide who they are as easily. People who knew "Bob" yesterday and today that same person is "Susan" are faced with a difficult and sometimes harsh reality. Even when they are very accepting it's a difficult conversion for them to put into practice. In my own experience, those of my friends who are accepting will still use the wrong verb to describe me after several years now. Especially my own Mother who gave birth to me. It's very hard for her. It's what we as a community have to deal with. This is why so many transsexuals make the decision to abandon the lives they have built and go to areas where they are not known and start their lives all over again as the new person they have become. I hate the fact that so many chose to do that since the only way we will ever be accepted into our society is if we stay put and make a statement by doing so. Yes it's hard. Yes it's valuable. This is what I have chosen to do. Be truly "out". That doesn't mean I stand on my roof top and shout to the world that I'm Trans. I simply go about my life one day at a time and live as the person I truly am. When asked, I respond honestly and clearly and proudly that I am a Trans woman. I have had several people tell me that I am "brave" for becoming the peson I am today in a world that can be quick to judge and long to sympathize. I reply that, "I'm not brave, I'm desperate to live." I will say that it has taken a long time to get to this place, but I would NEVER go back to living in the closet. I love being who I am. BTW, the term "Transgender" is an umbrella term that is inclusive of all people who are gender variant including Transsexuals. The term "Transsexual" is what someone is when they acheive the end of the "gender spectrum" and transtion fully to the alternate gender from which they were born or a person who knows that's where they are headed.
So my Dear, question away. I think it's an important step in you figuring out who and what you are. Don't be quick to make decisions, take your time. You have time, use it well. Time is your friend. I wish you the best in your search and if you should ever find yourself in need of direction, let me know.
TerriLee

Answer 2

Do whatever you are happy with.

Personally I knew who I really was inside from a very early age. I didn't know that I was Trans or anything like that, but I knew that what was inside was different to the outside.

By all means if you want to discuss these issues with someone in the real world, which it sounds like you do, do find someone that you can talk with.

Learning to open up in the right way can help you to make sense of everything. Bottling things up just makes life harder.

Answer 3

Dear Ira, this is not something that anyone can answer for you...each of us finds our place in life that we are comfortable with. IF being you as you are presents no problems, what do you gain by " coming out?" I suspect that most already know, and if they are friends, it obviously makes them no difference. IF your parents have expectations that you are going to get married to a man, perhaps a sit down and talk are in order, but again, I doubt that anyone is going to be disjointed, for parents are usually the first to realize our being gay, yet remain quiet about it for lack of need to discuss their children's sex life. IN reality, your sexuality is only important to you and your intended or mate. Your sexuality does NOT definve your life, it is a part of it..yes, but it doesn't define you as a person. The plus side of remaining neutral is that those who would be put off by it will not be... well, put off. But, those people, when the chips are down, are not your friends in the first place, IF you think that your life will become harder as a result of splashing your sexuality over the campus (it will not be that big a deal, but...) then why make an issue of it. OFten, when we make an issue of our sexuality, it comes across as a defense, when it shouldn't need defending. I have never felt the need to come out, I am just myself, think nothing of discussing sex or gayness, hide nothing, but again, do not make an issue of it, for it is not an issue to me. Think it over, make your decision based on how you feel, not about making a statement that doesn' t really have to be made. Love and peace in life, Phil

Answer 4

Of course you can do both at the same time...First by coming out, you have more chances to meet LGBT ppl...You will find more ppl that shares the same stories...

In the meantime, you will start figuring out ur 'trans-ness' without even u realizing it...So go for it! Talk 2 others...

Answer 5

Simply put, yes, you CAN be open about both your Being a lesbian AND about having feelings of wanting to be a man, not a woman(which, if you think about it, if you had a sex-change operation, you'd be heterosexual, not homosexual if you really think about it). By the way, the correct terminology would be "trans-gendered" after the operation(s).

Answer 6

If you feel the need to come out, please, go right ahead and do so! Welcome.

If you feel it's not necessary and you would rather take more time to figure yourself out, by all means, that's your choice.

Either way, you're still a human being struggling with everyday issues. Everyone has obstacles and fears to deal with, that's normal. Yours happen to be very personal...so do whatever you feel is necessary at this juncture of your life.

Answer 7

why don';t you talk to a gay-friendly counselor. She/he will be able to help you answer some of your questions.
Check out a fairly new movie (DVD) called TransAmerica. The camera follows several college age kids as they go thru the transition. You will understand what they are going thru a little better. GOOD LUCK!

Answer 8

Come out to people that could support you emotionally or help you figure things out, like really close friends or that group you just joined. If they are not going to be a help to you right now, then they don't need to know.

Answer 9

Only you can answer that question, coming out is different for everyone. Do a soul search and when it's time you will know. Congrats on accepting yourself. That's the first step.

Answer 10

I was out as sexually questioning for three years.
Sometimes it is better, because those around you might be able to support and assist your questioning. And, they are more accepting when you finally do decide.
keep in mind though, that people will end up slapping labels on you that you didn't ask for. they can't handle the unknown, the big Q...