Men only please. Lack of communication between husband and I. Why would he tell his mom and not me?

Question

My husband and I have been through alot in our past. Before we got married he cheated so I can say I have some issues in that category. Now he hasn't been working, on and off for a 1 year now....we are really behind in bills.....
I can deal with our problems.
I do ask him almost everyday what he did that day. He doesn't like to answer it but does occasionally.
His mom comes over today and he tells her how he has this job, blah blah....I was so upset and said, "wow you volunteer this information to your mom but me you couldn't tell?"
I am on the verge of kicking him out....Why would he not tell me but tell his mom?

he shuts down alot....very hard to communicate. trying to get a man's perspective....

I do not nag him, I am nothing but supportive with him and his decisions. I know there's times he may not look for a job but there are the times when he does. It's been a year of this and the lack of communication he feels I don't deserve first is very hurtful. I am the one putting up with everything and when I do ask him what he did that day, it is always with concern. There are times I get frustrated (I am human) but majority of the time, I am supportive. The communication has to give or I can't do this anymore.

Answer 1

You are requiring something from him every time you ask about his day. He has not matured enough to take your marriage seriously. He is distracted by his inner demons and possibly his fear of responsibility.

You have every right to ask him anything and to expect him to be responsible.

Remember, as far as you know these answers come from schmucks who have nothing better to do.

Answer 2

It sounds like you're feeling let down both financially and in terms of communication.

Just a guess, since I don't know him, but maybe he feels some guilt and embarrassment with you because he's not providing financially. You asked for a man's perspective, so I know when I'm embarrassed - especially when I really don't know what to do to fix the problem and I'm feeling helpless - it's so hard to admit that that my gut instinct is to go into my shell and clam up. But that just creates a whole new problem with communication.

You're the person he feels like he's letting down, so telling you what he did that day just feels like admiting, "Here's another day I failed you, because I didn't have a job and didn't know how to find one."

He wouldn't feel the same obligations towards his mother that he feels towards you - and therefore, wouldn't feel the same guilt or embarassment. That may make it easier for him to talk to her than to you sometimes.

When he has good news, it may honestly not occur to him that you'd like to hear it first. You've probably heard it said that guys talk for a very limited purpose - to exchange information. Therefore, something like who gets told first usually isn't a big deal to us, unless there's a practical reason that one person needs to act on the information first or be forewarned.

Before it gets to the point where you kick him out, do you think a counselor or someone can help him improve his communication skills and you both to see things from each other's point of view a little more?

Good luck. Hope things get better soon.

Answer 3

Aplogies, I know I'm not a man, but in my experience you're marriage is in big trouble if he's still going to mommy.

Some men never grow past the mommy's little boy stage, often it's because the mom hasn't actually let him go. Don't get me wrong, a man can have a healthy relationship with his mother that doesn't intrude on his marriage, but when it does, it's a problem that needs to be addressed immediately.

There's a reason that the saying goes,

"A son is a son till he takes him a wife..."

at the very least you have some serious communication problems with your husband, if you look closely you will likely find other more profound problems.

Good luck, You should be his first best friend, not his mom.

Answer 4

Wow.This is deep!This could be a number of things. First lets look at the fact that the man of the house hasn't worked on a regular job in a year .That in it self could very well be depressing for him.A good man will always feel bad when he's not in a position to provide for his family.Seeing you take on the role as head of the house may have really shattered his ego.Mrs. just the fact that you mentioned that he his cheated on you could be a sign that you have not forgiven he of the past and where there is no forgiveness there can be no love. His lack of communication could be an inability to express the way he really feels to you.And him talking to his mother could be his way of dealing with the hurt and shame he feels because he's not able to do the things he really wants to do for you .A mans ego is very easily bruised when he's unable to preform his manly duties.BEST WISHES>>

Answer 5

if you are a chronic complainer and repetitive ******, at some point the man can no longer take the touching of the nerve.

he withdraws and tries like an angel to avoid the complaints, nagging, pain.

maybe you said something that really hurt him. generally men will not complain, but will silently grieve and nurse the pain.

notice i said 'if' you are.

i did not accuse.

ABOUT MOM.

we know our mothers love us and does not nag. mom will always listen an be sympathetic and non judgmental.

while we may love our wives, sometimes a wife can get on the nerves in a billionth of a second.

even if mom dishes out some dirt, she knows how to immediately cool out the situation .

i guess sometimes a wife can be a pain.

ease up on the man and give him some room, kind of benignly ignore him and you will see he will want to know if you are ignoring him or if something is wrong. if he feels you are ignoring him, he will try to get your attention.


good luck

Answer 6

Well I went almost 2 yrs without gainfull employment.
I felt a mixture of things about myself, including worthlesness, & shame. I think around you he feels shame. Perhaps after cheating on you a while back he may have resolved to never lie to you again, so the only way he can cover up his shame around you is to clam up.

I remember when I was feeling totally useless, & unworthy i would grasp at even the smallest of accomplishments & report it to the 1st person that I needed approval from.
I think this is what your guy is doing with his mom.

The thing to remember here is that I don't think any of this has to do with you, or him choosing his mom over you.
I think he feels equally as worthless and ashamed of himself around the both of you.

The way I have dug myself out of my pit is to get back in the game. Today I have a new job, it's called "Finding a new job".
I have only been at it for a couple of weeks, but my prospects are good, & I no longer feel I have anything to be ashamed of.
As for feeling worthless, well after a couple of job interviews, & the positive feedback I got from them, I certainly do feel like I have value.

I hope you only consider kicking him out if he doesn't get off his can and do something about getting steady employment. Not just because he doesn't communicate his feelings about being unemployed to you as effectively as you would like.

Answer 7

Looks like you been towing the rope so to speak. Was this his pattern before? You seem new to the board so to add to your question just punch "edit" at the bottom and hit add "details", the you can add stuff so we professional can help you and probabbly save you money having to go to some other doctor.

Are children involved? If this has been his pattern most of the time and he shows no signs of drinking, then he could be using drugs and you could be in danger of catching a horrible disease.

If no kids and it seems like you have a steady job, do you? But if you d, then rethink your life. When you find a mate it is to be based on being friends, someone to watch your back. You do not have this. I suggest you go to jsm.org and buy the expository study Bible on sale for $30 (reg. $125 i think) anyway this will explian much you need to know even if you are not a Christian. For now read Psalms and Proverbs.

You know in life things happen and we are to "plow ahead". For him to tell his mother only makes me think she is fronting him money and he may be looking for a new deal. Is she like Ray Romano's mom on Everyone Loves Raymond?

Do you like and trust her or is she covering for him? Ask him what he thinks about what fromer president Gerald Ford wrote about him being sick and didn't want help. You must make the choice, but bail out before you waste anymore time, there are a ton of good men in the world to rishk your life with someone that could betay you and give you something. I'll check back for your answers, if none I'll know you are doing soul searching.

If you do kick him out change the locks and get an alarm system, a freind of mine that I told to go to the police was shot by hers, he stalked me for a while and then figured she and I were just friends and not lovers. I admit we were hot and heavy at one time and could have flamed the fire in a New York second, but she was married and wanted t work it out. I should have taken him to the police who knows. The Lord was looking out for me. That poor man had problems and I had no idea, but he killed himself also. Imagine my surprise at the funeral when a man walked up to me and introduced himself and asked me if I was me. He then told me how she had always talked with him about me. They were dating at the time. I should have asked him why he didn't tell her to get help or police or something, but was shocked that some guy 100 miles away from where I lived could pick me out of the crowd. Anyway she was hard headed and trusting and when I think this guy could have shot me on numerous times, I have a great Angel guarding me and you do too. And do not feel like it is your fault. Go to Best Buy and get the first three seasons of Daniel Boone (about $35 each and Frasier) Take care.

Answer 8

While you can be dealing with a momma's boy it could also be a classic case of mommy screwing with baby boy's head so he's always dependent. this way they both become each other's emotional support, like an unhealthy version of Linus's blanket. your supposed to make your own money, get on your own feet, and if your that worried about losing what you have get the pre nup before you get married. Im amazed you stayed with him after you caught him cheating.he has to choose between the two of you or his mom, but it doesn't sound like he really learned how to deal with womenin an adult way. I wish I knew more about what was going on. even the bible has a passage about how the son is supposed to leave his family and start his own! good luck and peace.

Answer 9

The relationship between you and him and between him and his mum are very different.

For one thing, his mom is an "outsider" to your relationship.

This means that, whatever problems he dumps on her, he won't have to worry about her getting annoyed about it, getting worried over the situation and thinking that he is useless and his efforts are a waste of time.

On the other hand, if he talks to you, he risks telling you how he really feels which is that he is failing in his role in your relationship.

Your constant asking of how he is doing points out how much you distrust his capabilities. So does the reminder of his past "cheating" mistake.

My suggestion is to stop asking and to wait for him to come out with it. Meantime, talk to him in a normal way and just be near him as much as you can so that he knows that you are not resentful or something.

Answer 10

I guess you are to young to remember Ann Landers.She had cases like yours about every month.Here is a game plan that may work .Next time he promises to behave ask him for a wad of money.Stick it in the bank and tell him he will see it if he behaves for 1 year .If he doesn't leave with the money and see a laywer.Leopards never change their spots.You have the right to happines.

Answer 11

In the past, my wife had a habit of criticizing everything that I did. If I did something with good intention and told her about it, I would get no credit. She would come up with "why didn't you do this?, or that" etc. So, in order to avoid getting the 3rd degree, I just stopped telling her. She got the message before too long.