My friend is contemplating divorce, how can I be most supportive?

Question

First of all I DEFINITELY want her to divorce her horrible husband...
About one year ago, she was ready to divorce him and then she decided to roll up her sleeves and keep trying --which I supported.
She is an amazing human being; everyone falls in love with her the moment they meet her. He's an alcoholic who picks fights with her when he's drunk -- and he gets drunk every night. He embarasses her and emotionally abuses her.

I want to encourage her to go through with the divorce so she she has less doubt that this is the right decision. But I'm also concerned about encouraging her becuase what if they end up trying to work it out once again?

Any advice from divorced people on what your ideal friend would have done as you walked down this road?

Answer 1

I wouldn't encourage her either way. I was married to an alcoholic for many years. My friends were there through thick and thin. What I would do is encourage her to go to Al-Anon meetings, even if you have to go with her for support. I feel for her as I've been in the same boat. You see, it doesn't matter what you say to her, she will do what she has to do when she is ready, no sooner, no later. Be there, support her, listen to her, give her a shoulder to cry on....believe me, she will wake up one day. By all means give her your advice at times... but make sure you do it at times when she is willing to accept them, do not impose them on her. This is a process....make sure encourage her and stay positive around her, that's what she needs right now. Please take it from me...took me many years, but I've finally found the strength in me to move on. Didn't mean I was necessarily weak, a woman in this situation feels sorry and responsible for someone like this, we do love them, but we have to learn to love ourselves first.

Just stand by her side. That's all you can do.

Answer 2

She will do it when she's finally had enough and is ready. That point comes for us all at different times. Our thresholds of "putting up with crapola" are different. Just be her friend. Don' t give advise unless it's asked for. She'll flake sometimes. It's really HARD to do this when you love someone EVEN if you know it's best for you. No matter what she chooses, just love her, be there for her, and most importantly, let her banter and vent when she needs to. The day will come when she'll wise up, but the last thing a person needs is someone telling them what they already know. Offer her distractions from the chaos, like a girl's day out! I wish I'd had that!

Answer 3

The idea for al-anon is a good one and I would agree with that but she also has to understand that this is domestic violence and that even though he has not been physically violent up to this point - that you know of - that day may come in time.
Show her some web sites - I have included two - that will help her see that this is domestic violence and that it will not get better. Good Luck to her and I hope that you can convince her to get the divorce!!

Answer 4

Have her go to a divorce and separated group for help. Try local Churches for such groups.

Then take her to an Al-anon meeting. Both of you go, find separate sponsors, follow their suggestions, and work the steps.
Al-anon meetings are for anyone who is affected by another persons alcoholism. You both qualify and it will help if you do the work.

Good luck. I will pray for the two of you.

Answer 5

Tell her to go to Al-Anon. You can go too since his drinking inadvertantly affects you too.

Answer 6

has she tried to get him sober? if that fails your best bet is too just listen and be there when needed. has hard as it is give no advice.

Answer 7

Be supportive and keep your thoughts and opinions to yourself. Just be there for her.

Answer 8

Just be there for her when she needs a shoulder to cry on .