how can i talk to him about the rape?

Question

hi all. now this is a sensitive subject for me and id appreciate only sincere answers, no harsh replies etc. in 2000 i was raped by a guy i met in a club after flirting with him and accepting a couple of drinks i willingly went for a walk with him. now i know i brought it on myself and all that. now when i met my current partner i told him what had happened - the first person ive ever told - he didnt take it too well, in fact he walked away and left me sobbing all night making me regret ever telling him. i cant forgive him for that. but i really need to talk about it from time to time. i just cant talk to him about it though- i can tell he wants to change the subject or just wants to gloss over what ive said. i get the distinct impression he blames me for it. how can i tell him i need to talk about how im feeling (it stil feels as though it happened yesterday even though its some years ago)? if someone thinks i need professional help then its out the question as im very very shy

i havent reported it. i know thats irresponsible of me but i cant face it. plus its way too late now. i cant tell anyone else as i cant bare getting the same reaction

sorry i didnt mean i was very very shy back then - in fact i was quite bubbly. i mean now im very very shy - so much so that i dont have any friends, i dont socialise at all anymore. i only ever leave the house with my bf or sister.

Answer 1

Before i make an attempt to answer ....... may I ask was this reported to the police ?

Please bare with me on this one cos you will probably think I am having a go at you (which I am not), so let me start by saying that what you have been through is a horrific ordeal that nobody for any reason should ever have to experiance.

But lets look at the facts (which you state in your own words).
You say you met a guy in a club and flirted with him, had a couple of drinks with him and willingly went for a walk with him, there is nothing wrong with any of this, in fact its perfectly normal behavior for a younger person (but in no way justifies what happened) but you go on to say that you are VERY VERY SHY, not abit shy or quiet shy but very very shy. I may be wrong, but the fact you were flirting and openly showing your attraction to this man does not sound like someone who is very very shy. My partner is very very shy and on our first date it took all I could do to get her to speak to me ?? You then go on to say that "I know i brought it on myself and all that".
That statment on its own is more the kind of statement you would hear from someone who is talking about something that did not directly involve them. By its own content it is almost dismissisve and flippant, which is surprising over something so serious.
You then say that when you told your partner, he was the first person you had told ! But you then go on to say that you need to talk about it from time to time !!
This seems to imply that you decided to tell him after keeping it bottled up from everyone (friends, family) for seven years, but now you need to talk about it ofton, this is not normaly the case, normaly when things of this nature are discussed (after a lenghty period) they come out a bit at a time and with a great deal of pain and distress. You then go on to dismiss professional help because of your shyness. May I remind you that all medical professionals are bound by an oath which prevents them from discussing cases outside of work, they are there to offer the help and support you need to get through this, but they can only help if you let them. You have now anonomously told hundreds of people about this............. surely it cannot be to hard to tell one face to face !
Please do not think I am being harsh I am just trying to make you see how it can be viewed.
Good luck for the future.

Answer 2

Honestly...rape is not your fault...and you should never let anyone make you feel like it is. Hes being really insensitive to you, and thats not fair. Ask him what the deal is. Communication is so important in any relatioship and people eschew it way too much. If it makes him feel uncomfortable, then talk to your mom about it or your friends? And why so afraid of seeing a therapist or a counselor? Thats what these doctors are here for..to help ppl get thru difficult times. And last time i checked getting rape was pretty hard to forget or push away. Itll be ok, i promise. Sometimes it takes a few times to find a dr that is right for you, but it might only take one try. Its actually easier to open up to a stranger then it is to open up to someones thats so close to you. If your man cant accept that you need to talk about this though, then maybe you should reconsider him as a special someone

Answer 3

First of all, you did not bring this rape on yourself - but, in hindsight you realise that you could have made different decisions that night.

This is where counseling would help you. Shy or not, you owe it to yourself to go and talk to someone about this. It will help unknot some of the warped perspective you have taken on about what happened - like your statement "I know I brought it on myself".

Secondly, when a woman tells a man she has been raped - it is really very hard for him to listen to. Not because he is an uncaring, blaming person (and if he is, then he needs to be out of your life asap) but because it brings up a lot of anger, shame at being a man, and helplessness.

You say you have the "distinct impression he blames me for it". In other words, you don't actually know.. Perhaps you are assuming that he does because he walks away or changes the subject.

How about this angle? He walks away or changes the subject because it is difficult for him to hear about it, he cannot fix it for you and feels helpless so he tries to get away from discussing it. It doesn't mean that he doesn't care, he is just unable to give you what you really need - which is huge amounts of empathy and someone to listen to you. That is where a good counselor steps in.

It is difficult for people to hear the kind of pain you have. Men have different ways of dealing with emotional stuff in general as well. He isn't going to be like a woman who would sit with you for hours on end going over every angle of what happened and how you feel.

Please - get some professional help.

Good luck x

Answer 4

Its very simple. I'm not being harsh, I really know what I am talking about here.

1. Find someone else to talk to; you need to find somebody who you can trust, but who you can walk away from at any time (not living with 24/7). Being in a relationship with someone, whilst dealing with this for the first time, will NOT happen. All you need to do is speak, you dont need help. You need to start at the beginning and talk, until you cry your heart out, get angry, break down, feel (rightly) sorry for yourself, accept it, or which ever path you ultimately take.... the point is, you will never know until you do. BUT. You cant do this with your boyfriend.

2. Get rid of your boyfriend. You are with this particular one because of the fact that you are shy and have this to deal with; he isnt good for you. Sorry but start again, because this will never work.

3. If you blame yourself for this, then you will blame yourself for everybody elses mistakes, for the rest of your life. Learn to work out what IS your fault and what ISNT. If you rape someone, then its your fault. You didnt. So it isnt.

If you need any help, get in touch.

Answer 5

You did not bring that on yourself. No matter what you did you do not deserve to be raped. This new man is bad news. He walked out on you when you told him your deepest secret? He acts like he blames you? Not good signs. He is very insensitive and he should want what is best for you. I have never been raped but I am sure that it is not something that you easily get over (if ever) or forget. You do need to talk to someone about it. Talking always helps when things are bothering you. If you cannot talk to him about something that has nothing to do with him, you would not have a good life with him. Imagine when problems come up. Is he going to walk out and leave you to deal with it yourself. Take a good hard look at him.Take these signs as warnings. Good luck.

Answer 6

I think your partner just can't handle it, because he feels so helpless.
However shy you are, YOU NEED TO TALK. Try the Samaritans, or a rape crisis/sexual abuse helpline. You can do either on the phone. On retirement, I was planning to train as a counsellor for the latter, but ill-health, preventing me driving, has put it on hold for now. I was impressed by the service provided. You would be given the same person all the time on a one to one basis to talk to. It is strictly confidential, volunteers do not discuss what you say, even among themselves.
Do not blame yourself. No means no. I do hope your partner can come to terms with it. All the best.

Answer 7

What you went through was horrific, I have every sympathy for you, but it really is time you moved on and forgot the whole episode, you can't undo what happened, but you can at least ensure that you no longer feel damaged by the rape.

As for you present partner he could be angry because he couldn't protect you, he could be jealous because there was another guy, admittedly he should be able to handle it for your sake, so you might want to ask yourself will he be sympathetic to any of life's little downturns that could affect you in the future? If the answers no, then maybe you should be thinking about your future with him.

But above all, the best advice is leave the past behind, it's over, you can learn from it, but you can't undo it.

Answer 8

I know how you feel I was raped 3 years ago and kept it to myself until I meet my husband. What we did was we asked his family to leave us alone for the day as we had something to do. We sat on our bed facing each other and I told him what happened, I even told him due to the rape I lost my baby as I was pregnant at the time and he just looked at me and said he understood and we take everyday as it comes. Your current partner should listen to you. Its not easy dealing with rape and you need the support of a love one to start healing. Its not your fault and you are not to blame. If he carriers on then I hate to say this then leave him. There are more men out there who would understand you better. And I agree about the professional help I didn't get any as I'm very very very shy like you. Hope this helps?

Answer 9

It is said that everything happens for a reason; he is a loser. he is weak and uncommunicative, a bad recipe for anyone but especially for a shy sensitive person like you. Best move on, find an online support group or just call someone who has been through it. I was attacked many. many years ago and he attacked several other women but none of them reported it; I called after he left (the police found him climbing out of another girl's apt window) and the police came in about two minutes and they were so fast they shot off the door lock because I couldn't get to the door fast enough.
NO ONE understood; everyone was uncomfortable and no one wanted to talk about it and some of them made jokes. I never discussed it with anyone and just went to court for a year and a half, throwing up every time I had to go, and it didn't get to trial because he hanged himself in his cell and they cut him down but his oxygen had been cut off and he was paralyzed from the waist down so they never had the trial at all.
So, try to find a phone line or even if you can find a priest or minister to talk to, but you really need to talk to someone...I never did and it was bad.

Answer 10

First of all, stop blaming yourself. Yes, we all know we should be more careful etc. but that does not mean you caused this man to rape you. Obviously, he had it in his mind from the start. You are a victim and you need help.

I'm shy too...but that's the best thing about therapy. You don't know this person you go to talk to and they don't know you. They have no preconceived ideas about you...so you can just let it all out.

Additionally, you need to report it...even now. You can call the rape crisis center in your area and tell them about. They can get you in touch with people who can help you. Believe me there are many women who have dealt with the same issues...the thing is this guy is probably still doing the same thing to other women. He's a pig!

You also need to tell your boyfriend that you need to discuss this. He needs to let you talk and he needs to support you. Men often feel that if you are sharing painful feelings with them, that you expect them to help or fix it. Tell him you just need someone to listen...he doesn't have to make you feel better. In order for you to get over this and get some closure you need to get it out in the open. This is for your own emotional well-being and the health of any relationship you have or will have in the future.

Please get some help. There are 1-800 lines you can call and just talk to someone anonymously.

Answer 11

Your reaction grow to be justified. i could have stated a similar element. i'm a great deal greatly surprised to hearken to a woman say the type of element. there are a number of women i understand that I dislike plenty yet could in no way want for them to be raped. How old is she? possibly she is mentally immature and would not understand what a rape does to a women. possibly you will possibly desire to confer along with her approximately this, not inevitably the rape yet greater on her reaction. sooner or later you have gotten a controversy along with her and he or she might desire to wish undesirable issues on you or not be supportive if some type of tragedy take place to you, out of anger. possibly i'm getting somewhat out of line here yet i'm basically engaged on the information you gave me. stable success.