Domestic Violence: Would you forgive a partner who hit you for the first time?

Question

A friend has been hit by her usually gentle, but recently very stressed husband in a moment of madness on his part. This has never happened before, although he was very verbal abusive b4 They have 2 young children who unfortunately saw whole thing. She threw him out but the kids are desperate for their dad to stay. The whole family have been under a lot of stress lately and things have become strained. He is horrified at his actions and promises to change, get counselling, anger management etc. What do I tell her? Do people really ever change as a result of these things? should she take him back if he gets help for his anger or is that telling him that violence is acceptable? I would be interested to hear what people think on this. In typical style her husband has an anger problem because his dad lost it good style and beat him when he was small, not that that excuses it, but she is worried about what seeing this will do to her own kids and what messages she sends out 2 them either way

Answer 1

Well, at least she did the right thing to start with.
So, the children will remember that it's a no-no.
Now, she needs to be constructive.
If she loves him and knows that he loves her and their children, there's nothing wrong with helping him get back on track with managing his anger.
I don't think that because you did something wrong once, that it means that you are rotten and don't deserve a second chance ever.
In this case, the circumstances added to a violent up bringing is bound to have made him lose it. Especially if he had never done it before and wouldn't have thought that he was capable of it.
She should definitely give him a chance, or it would even be worse for the children.
So, they'd learn that love is not unconditional and make a mistake once, and that's you out?! And as you know children, they are going to grow up being even more scared in case they make a mistake and mum throws them out!
So, she should involve the whole family and really try if she does love him to go and see a counsellor and work through that anger management.
Good luck.x

Answer 2

This is the classic cycle of violence.. It starts with a buildup of pressure, an explosion - either physical or verbal (usually verbal for a while, then physical), then the honeymoon period where he is oh, so sorry and it'll never happen again ... if she lets him back he will love her so good.. then the cycle starts all over again with a buildup of pressure.

She needs to make him stay away - at least for a very long time while he seeks counseling and treatment, then decide - but it rarely ever changes.. it can in a few rare instances, but rarely does. The problem is that on some level, he has now given himself permission to do so and when she lets him back in the door, even more so.

Most abusers have been abused as children, though that doesn't mean that if you are abused as a child you will be an abuser... it's a choice.

The message she is sending to her children is that it is NOT OKAY for someone to hurt you or for you to hurt someone else physically. One right you have in a relationship is SAFETY. She is teaching them that she will not be a punching bag and is strong enough to stand up not only for herself, but also for her children.

Answer 3

How To Forgive Domestic Violence

Answer 4

You say he has been verbally abusive before, so there is an anger management problem there, otoh you also say he has been stressed recently which may have tipped him over the edge.

So, for me, it's a difficult one to call, too easy to say don't let him back, not so easy to say give him another chance.

Then there are the kids, if possible, they do need their father.

On balance, I'd say, tell your friend to see what can be done about reducing the stress within the family, stress is no good for anybody, ask him back, but on the clear understanding physical and verbal abuse will never be tolerated again.

That's my call, but this is really a situation for the people involved to work out for themselves, other people especially amateurs and strangers come with their own baggage to the problem.

Answer 5

Its a control thing. The man - over a period of time - makes you feel you are worthless, stupid, ugly and all manner of other things - so you hang on to his love believing that you wont find anyone else and you're lucky to have him. With every beating your confidence becomes less and less and in the end you just come to accept it because you get so tired and lose the will to fight it anymore. Most of these women come out of the relationship severly depressed and with a very poor image of themselves. Its hard to explain but its no way just about getting a punch or a kick. Often theres a fear of being seen as a failure too if the woman leaves not to mention the worry of how do you leave when the man controls all the finances and leaves you with nothing every day. There's a whole list of reasons and when you put them all together - its a frightening situation for any woman to be in. Sadly, the last person to realise how bad its all got is the woman herself.

Answer 6

Tell her too leave. Domestic violence starts off little, first a push or shove, then a hit.. then it gradually builds up until you get put into hospital by a person that is suppose to love you. Men like that never change or get better, they only get worse. My mum stayed with my father because she wanted her children too have a dad thinking it was important. But we all wish she would of left when we were babies. It would of been alot easier & wouldnt of gone threw so much pain and suffering. The best advice to tel her is kick him out, tell him too get a sort of counselling and anger managment and after time maybe try it again :).

good luck to your friend.

Answer 7

As a survivor of an abusive relationship, they can change but not on thier own, he needs help. Professional help as does she.
They cannot stay together for the sake of thier kids. She needs to find a good counslor to help all of them through this and to help her, help the kids understand why daddy shouldnt be living with them right now.
If his dad lost it with him and he already has an anger problem then this will most likely be the start of a very abusive cycle and if she does stay in the relationship he could cause her or the kids serious harm.
There are shelters and help everywhere she needs to seek it out and stay firm in her decision in making him leave. She and the kids will be better for it in the long run!

Answer 8

Your friend was right to toss him out!

The husband has some issues that need to be addressed before I would even let him back in the house with the children.

He is already verbally abusive and making excuses as to why he "snapped". Now, he is following the typical pattern of being regretful and promising the world. That's fine, but what happens when the next stressful situation comes up? Is he going to choke her? Stab her? Hurt the children? Kill one of them?

Things like this do not get better on their own, they get worse. By bringing him back into their lives, she is inviting more abuse.

Answer 9

Erm where do i start. I was in an abusive relationship when i was 18. My partner suffered brain damage and became a completely different person. Paranoid, aggressive and eventually violent . i forgave again and again because of what he was going through, i felt guilty and thought i would be a bad person for leaving. In the end he beat me so bad one night i ended up in intensive care for 2 months and now have epilepsy. Obviously a completely different situation, i do have point to this honest! My current partner hit me once years ago, as above we were under alot of stress (no excuse mind) i told him so help him god if he ever laid a finger on me again, i said i didn't want his apologies just his word. Do you know what he never has done it again and that was 5 years ago!

Oh yeah my point, some change, some people say, happens once=mistake, happens twice= becoming a habit.

Other note, sit the kids down and explain to them it's wrong and he should apologise to her in front of kids and to them. History does have a habit of repeating itself.

make sure they know there is no excuse for violence like that and that your friend and partner know this too.

Best of luck

Answer 10

Well i was actually a child that saw this happen for 14 years of my life.. I am now 22 and it does affect me in every day life! My parents are now divorced but I would never forgive someone for doing this... Especially if they are verbally abusive! Its still abuse! They may say sorry and try to get counseling but it doesnt work... If she gets back with him then I guarentee that it will happen again and its just giving him the excuse to do it again because he knows she will just take him back. But in all actuallity its all up to her... You can tell her till your blue in the face but she has to be the strong one to stand up and say no and be a strong parent for her kids. Because in the end she is helping them not see the violence. The more they see it the more they will think its ok to hit and use verbal abuse. I know my sister is very abusive to her friends and to me! I am actually going to court against her right now because she hit me and I'm not standing for it! Just be a strong friend and let her know that you love her and care for her and will be there for her no matter the outcome of the situation! Good luck!