What’s Wrong with America?

Question

What’s Wrong with America?

I sure hope you like C-SPAN, reruns, and reality shows, because if we the Hollywood proletariat have our way, every writer in town is going on strike, perhaps as soon as this Thursday. If you ask me, it’s not a moment too soon.
Technically, we’re striking against the producers, the studios, and the networks — the Alliance of Motion Picture & Television Producers — who have been trying to screw us out of our fair share of VHS and DVD residuals for years, and whose initial offer was to screw us even harder. With a brave new world of iPhone technology on its way, we want to make sure we don’t get fooled again.

But everyone knows we’re really striking against you, the ungrateful, reactionary, and probably crypto-fascist audience. You’ve let us all down by not going to see our movies.

The Kingdom? A disappointment at $46 million. Rendition? A huge antiwar belly flop for Reese Witherspoon, Meryl Streep, and the guy from Brokeback Mountain playing in 2,250 theaters that hasn’t yet managed $8 million. Elizabeth: The Golden Age? The Catholic-bashing costume party with Cate Blanchett in high dudgeon and higher drag is a flopola at $14 million. In the Valley of Elah, from scribe du jour Paul Haggis? It’ll be lucky to make $7 million. At this rate, you probably won’t even go to see Brian De Palma’s Redacted.

Frankly, we’re tired of throwing our pearls before you swine. So we’re firing you.

I mean, come on: the fourth installment of a torture-porn series, a Steve Carell laugher, a vampire movie set in Alaska and a comedy aimed at the, ahem, “urban audience” are opening up cans of cinematic whup-*** on the finest, most passionate anti-American movies our smartest, snarkiest Harvard grads can think up. And Lions for Lambs hasn’t even opened yet! Heck, The Rock’s family-values comedy The Game Plan has made $77 million, more than all the antiwar movies put together.

It’s so sad: Here we were, on a roll, with Nancy Pelosi and Harry Reid in command of Congress, the Clinton Restoration practically a fait accompli, and Al Gore winning the Nobel Peace Prize to use as a doorstop alongside his Oscar — and this is the thanks we get.

Well, I just don’t get it. It’s not like our patriotism is questionable or anything. Like Bonosera the undertaker in The Godfather, we love U.S.-America, we believe in U.S.-America, just not U.S.-America the way she is now: a racist, sexist, homophobic bastion of white male privilege, built on the backs of Africans and Native Americans and exploited immigrants, seeking to export its murderous rage to the Middle East and beyond. And all right-thinking people — by which I mean “left-thinking” people, of course — agree with us. You certainly won’t get any argument on the west side of Los Angeles, and wherever I travel in this great land of ours — to places as diverse as San Francisco, Seattle, Boston, and the Upper West Side — it’s unanimous. America stinks!



So we want to change this country into something new and beautiful and socialist, a liberated America in which we middle-class Hollywood people (for so we like to think of ourselves; we’re not really rich) can live safely in our patrolled communities and send our kids to private schools while making sure your tax money goes to pacify the howling mob beyond the gates. An America, in other words, that looks more like South America or South Africa than Bedford Falls, condemned to eternal punishment for its moral turpitude. Who could possibly object to that?

Another reason we’re striking is that there’s just too much competition these days from journalists. Who does this clown Scott Thomas Beauchamp think he is, pitching anti-war movies in the guise of writing a “Baghdad Diary” for The New Republic? He might have fooled his editors into thinking he was doing straight reporting, but anyone who lives within 50 miles of the intersection of Fairfax and Melrose can smell a scenario when he steps in it. It’s hard enough to make your bones and get into the Writers Guild of America, a closed-shop union that civilians can’t join, without worrying about a bunch of hacks making stuff up that makes America look bad and passing it off as truth in the hopes that some producer will come calling. That’s our job!

So as the days dwindle down to a precious few, it’s looking more and more like we’re going out. The studios have stockpiled all the bad scripts they can get their hands on, the writers’ rooms are going 24/7 to churn out enough episodes to get the networks through Festivus, and nobody’s taking any pitches until this thing is over.

It may be a while. Last Thursday, the producers have told us to forget about upgrading the DVD residuals, or any other residuals. For our part, the Guild membership has voted overwhelmingly in favor of a strike — the last one was in 1988, and lasted five months — and all over town, people are consulting their accountants and business managers over how they’re going to make their $20,000 a month mortgage nut if they’re not working.

Both sides have called in a federal mediator when negotiations resume tomorrow. But unless this stooge of the Bush Administration waterboards us, it’s on to the picket lines at Paramount, ABC, and Warner Bros. We’re going to hit the AMPTP where it hurts, right in the pocketbook, and make ‘em remember that it all starts with the writer and if you think actors can invent stories and ad-lib dialogue, you’re a die-hard Robert Altman fan.

But, even more, we’re going to hit you where you live: on your sofas.

No more Letterman. No more Leno. No more Lost. No more great movies like Rendition to alert you to the evils of the Chimp-in-Chief and the Grand Vizier and their Illegal War in Iraq. The hell with you. We’ve knocked ourselves out for you, and this is how you repay us. Serves you right

Answer 1

Too many brainwashed right-wing moonbats who are unable to think for yourselves, so you regurgitate the prefabricated fairy tales fed to you by the lunatic right-wing crackpot party and its propaganda mill.

Answer 2

Nice cut & paste, intellectual property theft is still theft and quite frankly if you knew squat about the subject, which even the pundit you ripped off doesn't, you'd know this is ridiculous tripe and there are reasons why the American public isn't into drama's about the failures of Conservatism at the moment, after idiotically vesting themselves in two terms of a business and now political failure all they really want to do is take off the old head and not think about it for awhile, afterall they are just coming to terms with the painful reality that not only were they wrong, they've been had and not just them thier childrens futures as well, so while you may think the author you robbed was witty you're both just flat out as wrong as hollywoods timing, had these come out oh say 4 years ago they may have made a difference, now they are just so much of what we already know and quite frankly it's too depressing to want to rehash at the moment

Answer 3

The current administration holding The Executive Branch of Government.

Answer 4

I prefer reading anyway. Look at it as an opportunity for screen writers to become best selling authors. And set design people to design book and cd covers. Camera people can create beautiful coffee table books...etc

Quit whining!

Answer 5

We skipped a vowel. We went from "Greed is sturdy" to "Greed is GOD". between that and the Media going berserk on the entire "political correctness" factor--genuinely making it "incorrect" to be polite, form or to have compassion for undesirable human beings--and you have have been given a topic the place human beings experience they *could* be cutthroat or be social outcasts. It gets to the place social norms get twisted and it will become *envisioned of you* to be neglectful of, if no longer outright abusive in direction of, different human beings. it is the main important 2 issues. We pushed human beings to be grasping bastards in simple terms to get by using....and on the comparable time we openly attacked, abused and humiliated all people who dared to *think of in a diverse way*. Calling them "politically best suited" and "pinko liberals" and "pablum spewers". And yeah, a number of it replaced into an overreaction to Jimmy Carter and the tip of the Seventies--the medicine and disco and all that. yet come on, for 28 years now? 29? rather. in simple terms my plug nickel....and that i understand, you're gonna hate me now. Sorry.

Answer 6

I myself have wondered "What happened to the United in the United States of America? What ever happened to the days when Americans stood United as ONE and not DIVIDED.

I believe the United States of America has United in front of the States of America because it means to stand together. Americans stood UNITED gainst the British Empire during the American Revolution, Federalist and Anti-Federalist stood UNITED and wrote the Constitution of the United States of America, and Americans stood UNITED to rebuild the United States of America after the Civil War.

During the time of when my parents and grandparents were growing up, Americans were UNITED. Parents stood UNITED and took responsiblities to raising their children. Children were UNITED and respected their elders, and a man and a women were UNITED before marriage before they had children.

Today, America is not UNITED as we use to be. Parents are not always taking responsiblities of their children, not all children have respect for their eleders, and there are more boyfriend & girlfriend couples having children when they are not married in the United States of America.

Why is there no UNITED in the United States of America? I believe it is because of Liberalism. Liberalism is destroying the UNITED in the United States of America because it is based off lies. Because of Liberalism, America is divided on just about everything from who responsiblities to raise children to the saying "One Nation Under God."

The Founders of the United States of America were Christian Men and Women who stood UNITED under God. Today, while Conservatives stand UNITED under God and know America is "One Nation Under God," Liberals stand united under liberalism and know that America is "One Nation Under Liberalism."

I hope and pray that one day, the UNITED comes back to the United States of America. I hope that Americans can stand UNITED and realize that is it THEIR responibility to raise their children and not have pop culture raise their children. I hope that Americans can stand UNITED and support our Armed Forces all over the world and appreciate the hard work and sacrafices these Men and Women make for the United States of America. I hope that one day Americans will stand UNITED and have respect for the man or woman who is the President of the United States of America because this is the most challenging job in the history of the world. I hope that one day, children will be UNITED and respect their elders. This includes their parents, sibilings, their teachers, and elected officials and that children will look to these elders as an influence and guidance for successs. I hope that one day, both Republicans, Democrats, and Independents stand UNITED and know that America was founded by Christian Principles from the Men and Women who Founded the United States of America.

My hope for the future is that America can be a UNITED country and not a D I V I D E D Country. I pray that America is "One Nation Under God" and does not become "One Nation Under Liberalism."

Answer 7

Does not matter to me as I dont go to movies or watch much television. What I do watch is usually documentaries.

Answer 8

Doesn't sound to me you believe in every person's worth and dignity like you copy and paste in so many of your answers.

Answer 9

Trust me. It's no big loss.

Answer 10

2 points thanks