Do some feminists think they can shame men into finding older women attractive?

Question

I have no interest in criticizing anyone's appearance and I actually do find some older women attractive. Lee Merriwether is still gorgeous, with her head full of silver hair and her cheekbones and eyes as beautiful as ever.

But it seems ridiculous to complain about "sexism" and "double standards" when it comes to people's desires and preferences.

Do some feminists think men can be shamed into changing their tastes? Or perhaps women should be shamed for finding an older man attractive?

What else could they have in mind?

Rebel F, you're entitled to your distaste. I happen not to share it. But then I also don't ridicule "cougars" (a stupid term). What consenting adults do is up to them and I usually don't know enough about them to know what their motives may be.

But the idea that we need to "fix" the "sexism" of society in how men's and women's aging is perceived... it strikes me as ridiculous over-reaching and completely misguided.

"Cougars" is the new derisive term for women in their 30s and 40s who pursue men in their 20s. I don't know the derivation. I also don't advocate the use of such language to cast aspersions on people's relationship choices.

teeleecee, no I don't claim to find myself coerced. I merely wonder about the rhetoric about ending "double-standards" and "sexism", e.g. in how actors and actresses are judged in how they age or in who people choose to date.

This certainly isn't something that can be changed by legislation or public policy (where I usually support feminists), so I wonder what these feminists propose.

Carrie,

In answer to your question, I think trying to shame women into rushing into marriage is obnoxious and stupid. I'm not a big fan of shaming people about their personal choices.

But I think trying to wed such shaming (as some feminists do) to a larger political agenda, smacks of ridiculous over-reaching, if not FASCISM.

Lioness,

Thanks
And i definitely know it's not all feminists (though reading some academic literature might give you the impression that it is representative), so I made a point of asking if SOME feminists thought that way.

I think anyone who isn't blinded by ideology into thinking they can remold every aspect of culture according to their notion of equality would recognize that it's foolish to try to dictate people's tastes.

I made very clear from the outset that I am not trashing older women. And my last gf was 8 years my senior. This has nothing to do with being pro- or anti-older women.

This has to do with the rhetoric of decrying the "sexism" of how men and women are perceived as they age and saying that something needs to be done to end the "double standard".

What would that be?

TERA

I appreciate your follow-up and I certainly would love to see a society in which people placed a greater emphasis on qualities other than physical appearance. Thanks for taking the time to re-read.

Answer 1

I don't think anyone is trying to shame men into liking older women...but I think there are many who acknowledge that men who consistently try to date women considerably younger than themselves ought to be ashamed of themselves. I hate to be close-minded, but that's just gross.

Some old guy is just being pathetic if he continually ignores women in his own age group in favor of younger women. If he doesn't find women his own age attractive, he needs to remember that HE'S OLD TOO!! Old men aren't exactly all that appealing either.

Also, young women who date old men should be recognized for what they (all too often) are...money hungry. They're looking for some old dude to spend his money on them.

Basically, everyone should stick to approximately their own age group.

EDIT:

@celtish:

A cougar is an older woman who often dates younger men.

@Gnu:

To be honest, the main people that I have a problem with are the older men who immediately write off women of their own age group as being "ghastly"...if those women are ghastly, so are you, buddy!

If two people from very different age groups connect with one another on a level besides the physical, and it's safe to assume those two individuals would still date even if they were close together in age, then I suppose I have no problem with that.

It just really bothers me that old women are shoved off to the side in the realm of dating and sexuality. Old women are sexual beings just as much as old men are, and they ought to find satisfaction in one another, instead of the old men going after the young pretties and leaving the older women out in the cold.

EDIT:

@Lioness:

I'm 21, so I have absolutely no problem with men of my own age group dating younger than me. That would be statutory rape.

All the same, I can recognize that there is a hypocrisy in old men flatly refusing to date women their own age. If you will read all of what I have wrote (more specifically, my "@Gnu" section) you will see that *to some extent* I agree with you.

Answer 2

I'm not sure what could be achieved by trying to 'force' people to fancy someone they don't.

It's a rather essentially personal thing ~ some like an older partner, some a younger, it's not possible to coerce people to fancy someone else.

And it would be fairly pointless, too. After all, if everyone fancied redheads, what would blondes and brunettes do? Or if people only like short partners, tall people will get lonely!

One of the reasons there is someone for everyone is because we've all got different tastes, and desires, for who we want to have as our partners, whether casually or in life.

I guess some individual women who are feminists might feel this way, but I don't think it will ever be a 'feminist' issue that a young man doesn't 'go' for an older woman

As for young guys fancying older women, many do, just as many women fancy older men.

I wonder if the 'feminists' who have spoken about this might be trying to make a point about the representation of older women in the media, etc? Perhaps urging women not to be conned by the 'youth is everything' myths of Hollywood? And maybe just not getting their message across clearly?

Whatever, it sounds quite unrealistic as you have have presented it here.

And wow, I am GLAD I don't have the job of being in charge of who fancies who, and why! Talk about herding cats, lolol.

Cheers :-)

Answer 3

I think all of those preferences are driven from an evolutionary perspective and I'd need an example of someone attempting to 'shame' a person into changing their taste.

Frankly I don't find men are all that discriminatory when it comes to the opposite sex. 22, look hot? They'll do her. 35, look hot? They'll do her. 52, look hot, they'll do her. Pretty much....they'll do her! LOL.. j/k .. come on, smile a bit.
I think it has alot more to do with looks these days than age, but then we know what that means don't we?

You know I remember someone saying about youth, 'shame she didn't know that at that age, you're beautiful even if you aren't beautiful'. And that sums it up regarding attraction.

Are feminists trying to shame people for this behavior? I haven't seen it. Having said that, I would think a guy who overlooks attractive women of his own mature age to consistently and obviously be with someone much much younger (think in excess of 20 yrs here) has some other issues going on. Like more than just desire to be around pretty things and you can't really blame anyone for pointing that out.

I wonder how men would feel if young women suddenly decided tomorrow to strike every man more than 5 yrs older than them off the list of consideration?
Just a thought.
Never understand why there's so much venom here.

Answer 4

Lioness - yep good answer. I really like your answer there - kudos.

Juniper - the way you've worded your answer if I only read that I would think that most divorces were initiated by men, because women aged. And that women were faultless - right until I get to the end of what your saying. thats a pretty well known technique for conveying a loaded perspective. It may not be deliberate - Im just calling how that reads - and its text book. The major flaw with it tho is that most divorces are initiated by women. Not the other way round. To put you argument in context - it would actually read that women divorced men due to age.

Answer 5

I like older women. I did when I was 18. I did when I was 23. I do now, at 32.

But I'm not going to go into my reasons why, as that is immaterial to the topic.

I totally agree with you on the idea that people trying to impose their whimsical views and opinions on others are people who would be fascists, if only anybody would appoint them dictator.

I love folks like that. (not really) They all seem to be saying, 'Everything in the world would be fine if everyone would just agree with me!'

This is the same as trying to get your friend to join the gym so you'll have support to keep going. They cannot believe in their own values without a peer group to lean on.

Answer 6

I have to tell you, this question seems really immature. I would have expected better than this from you.

From the time I was a teenager, I have always been very attracted to older women. On average, most of my girlfriends weren't, they were at least nine (22 the max) years older than me. I simply found their maturity an asset. No games! Plain and simple. They were old enough to know what they wanted, and not waste time playing those childish "if you love me, you'd know what I need! The problem with so many younger women, is they seldom know what they want, so they pawn their thinking process and the responsibility off on you. There are so many real advantages of being with an older woman. The most important of which is greater emotional stability.

But I feel just from the nature of your question, and some others like it, none of this will matter or make any sense to you. And for someone who claims not to be interested in relationships, I think you really need to have one. With a real woman!

Shingoshi Dao

Answer 7

The real question is what do you find alluring? There is no need to let others make up your mind for you. It is indeed fruitless to bow to others expectations when they are not your own; when they will only lead you down a path of misery. Another question:
Do you believe that you can be shamed into changing your tastes?
I leave you alone with these thoughts.

Answer 8

I agree that attempts to mold the preferences and tastes of a society against its will are not only wrongheaded, but doomed to failure. They will only breed resentment and reinforce original desires.

It's the danger of idealism--the true believers are so sure of their good intentions that everyone should be forced to adhere to them.

Also--I saw all the hub-bub about this question. I don't find it ageist or sexist. Honest inquiry that isn't attempting to denigrate anyone is not objectionable, IMHO.

Answer 9

Well, after no-fault divorce has placed millions of middle-aged women and older into the dating game again, that would be the hope. Men don't seem to be cooperating, do they?

Apparently the world is not loads better now that women can be divorced simply for getting old, and not for actually breaking the marriage contract. I'm not sure why no one thought that through at the time. I have to say, I kind of wish feminists had left that one alone - or perhaps provided a choice to people at the time of marriage, no fault or "regular" style marriage.

Answer 10

I don't think that was really her point... I think she was saying that in order for actresses to keep their careers, they must try very hard to look younger than they really are, whereas men don't have that problem. Such is the nature of the entertainment industry - there are not very many "older" female characters anywhere, but there are plenty of "older" male characters. No one's trying to shame you into being attracted to 60 year old ladies - they're trying to allow women to age without being ashamed.

Let me ask you this, though: why do men try to shame older women into thinking that they'll be lonely and bitter if they don't find a man before they're 30? This is only what I've seen, but none of my friends would ever consider dating an old dude, and all my mom's female friends who are divorced (and in their 50's) - and my friends' divorced moms - have no problem finding dates with men in their age range. My mom's best friend is actually getting remarried next summer, at 55, to a very nice gentleman, and I'm very happy for her. :)

Answer 11

Gnu,you know that I don't like to overwrite onto someone
opinion so once again I totally agree with my girl *Lioness*.

Too bad I'm not the one to choose the best answer,cause
if it was up to me;she would definitely get it.

Well done Lioness !!!