I found pics on my hubby's computer of young women (almost girls). What do I do???

Question

I don't need any nasty comments. I would have never thought that he would be that way. Please only answer if you have a real suggestion. I'm very upset and terrified to confront him.

First, let me say that I am not against porn and I understand that men look at it all the time. My problem is that it is being hidden from me. I am terrified not because he will hurt me, but I am terrified to find out something really bad about the man I thought I knew.

Answer 1

Darling, you need to listen to the way you are talking right now. You are all upset and need to try to calm down. When we are upset our judgment goes out the window and nothing makes any sense. Try to find a way to calm yourself down, first. When you are as upset as you clearly are is not the time to be trying to think about how to deal with it. You first have to deal with being so upset. The idea is to get you under control first. Your husband isn't going anywhere. He is going to be right there when you are calm and ready to speak with him about this. If this were my issue, I would first work within myself to get my bearings. I am no good to myself nor to anyone else when I am all upset and waving my hands in the air. I hope you will not take offense at my telling you to calm yourself, but when we are all upset, we are not thinking clearly, and we often will not say nor represent ourselves clearly to others, or in this case, you, to your husband. As upset as you are, you are bound to be a disappointment to your own position, so calm down first.

I am definitely not makiing light of the situation. I am just strongly advocating for a much more centered and peaceful version of YOU before you call all of this out on the kitchen table for a nice long talk about getting priorities clear so the two of you can continue your marriage.

The way you speak with him, and what the two of you actually say, is beyond my domain. That is and should be between the two of you. A woman needs to be very deliberate and centered when she wants to make her needs or feelings known to someone else. Think about the importance of becoming quiet inside before you speak to him, and I think you will see why this is and will always be the thing I focus on most strongly.

Answer 2

Talk about a loaded question...

Now, for the answer.

Is there anyone else in the house that uses the computer?
Have you ever had guests/family stay a couple days and use the computer?


If the answer to either question is a "Yes," your hubby may be innocent as the proverbial lamb.
If the answer to both questions is a "No," he may still be innocent.

Simply surfing the 'net without a 100% impermiable firewall and A/V and A/S (etc) *will* result in pornographic images finding their way onto your computer even if you NEVER open a pornographic website, or spam e-mail. (Assuming the images are of a "graphic" nature.)
Incidentally, there is no such thing as 100% protection on-line.

Are the pictures in question located in a single folder? Is it a system folder buried umpteen folders deep in the system? Or is it located in a reasonably easy to locate folder?

If it is in a system folder with some undecipherable name, it is likely an innocent happenstance. If they are scattered across many folders in there is an approximately equal probability that he is guilty as not. If the photos are in a single innocuous sounding folder not in a system directory - especially if he was silly enough to put it in the "My Pictures" folder - he is likely guilty.

That having been said, men look at picures of a sexual nature for many reasons, and most of them are not explicitly for the objectification of women, but for fantasy reasons. Some do for personal pleasure alone, some to try to learn new things to try on their partners...consider it a cheap version of the Kama Sutra, but without all the helpful additional instruction. ;) Some do it for boredom...nothing on TV, and the spouse isn't home. Some because they enjoy looking at the pictures. Some just do it to "prime the pump" as it were for you!
I know of one wife that told her friends when they were shocked that she let her husband go to strip clubs, she couldn't care where the (arousal) came from (porn - within limits / strip clubs / etc), so long as he brought it home for exclusive use with HER!

In short, for much the same reason as you ladies (yes, a generalisation) like the Harlequin (sic) Romance novels, which in some cases, due to content are technically not legal for sending through most National Postal Services, and definately wouldn't be if they were illustrated!

As to whether or not you should confront him, do so, but in a non-hostile manner. If you push him to become defensive, he will react in a bad way. Once you are talking about it, ask him why he does it.

Incidentally, if the images are of minors...that is a WHOLE other discussion, and will require, possible psychiatric intervention, if not police action.

Answer 3

In my answer I am presuming that the porn is not of underaged girls.

Well, I know I'm going to get into trouble for saying this.. sigh..
But! Most men are visual creatures, and they enjoy looking at sexy women. It's a natural thing.

From where I see it, you have three choices:

1. You can make a scene and demand that he stop it.. bad move.

2.You can tell him that you need reassurance because you're feeling threatened, then turn a blind eye to it.

or

3. You can buy him a loving and thoughtful present of DVD's specifically to cater to his personal taste, and sit and watch them with him !! I'd be going for the latter, but the choice is yours !

Don't be hurt, it isn't about you, it's just a guy thing.
Just be glad he isn't looking at other guys ! Then you'd have something to worry about! :o)

Answer 4

first, you can see if you can tell where the pictures came from. Many times there will be a logo there of some kind to advertise the site or perhaps he has been going to single's sites and these girls are sending the pictures to him.
Then talk to him and see what he says. if you are terrified to confront him, I wonder if he has been either physically or emotionally abusive to you at some time in the past and I would say make a copy of the pics and get out and file for a divorce if that were the case. Normally I would expect you to be mad or upset but not terrified unless he has done something in the past to make you terrified to face him and if that is the case you either need counseling to solve the problems in the marriage or to get a divorce and be with someone you can sit down and talk to. If you find any pictures where the girls are beyond any doubt below 15, to give one age, then perhaps it is time to go to the police. Good Luck to you.

Answer 5

I am really ashamed to admit this, but my wife found the same thing on mine. I can't tell you how deeply ashamed I am. At the time, I just wanted to die and the sickest irony was that I felt bad about it all along and continued doing it! You have every right to be hurt, angry, feel betrayed, etc. Try talking to him. He knows that he is wrong, so you don't need to attack him with it. Who knows, he may even be relieved, in a twisted way. It might be what he needs to have happen in order to stop. Let him know how you feel, but remember, nobody can "make" you feel anything. That is, be accountable for yourself while holding him accountable for his shameful behavior. I am sorry you are having to deal with this. Not to lessen, or make what he's done, okay, but please try to remember, this is most likely not personal. It feels personal, I know, but he did not do this to "get you". Unfortunately, the result of this behavior is that it hurt you, regardless of his intentions.

If all else fails, get professional help before deciding to throw in the towel, if that is, in fact, what you are thinking. I know this may sound trite, but sometimes things have to get worse before they get better. It's possible that you two may be stronger after you deal with this issue and heal from the hurt and mistrust it has caused. If he continues, well, some would consider it grounds for divorce. I hope not.

The first thing I did to reassure my wife that this will never happen again was I signed up for an accountability website that emails her whenever I use certain search terms, visit websites, etc. Allow him a chance to remedy it. I wish you all the best.

I am assuming this isn't "kiddie porn". I hope I am right. If I'm wrong, you have much larger issues to deal with. It's not just grounds for divorce, but is also a major legal/moral issue.

Answer 6

You're going to need to confront him at some point. If partially nude underage teens/girls, breasts only, there's not much you can do, short of leaving him if you feel that strongly. If genitals are revealed in a provocative way, this is illegal, and he needs to understand he can be arrested for this. He needs help, counselling. Confront him and ask him to see a counsellor before taking other steps. Threaten to go to the police if he refuses to do so, then carry through. Remember, not only is he checking these site, he's encouraging others to do so, and to take the pics.
As far as snooping, if it's a home computer, in your home, you have every right to look at any file on it, whoever's file it may be. So technically it's not snooping.
Whether underage or not, it's still wrong. That's one of the problems with America these days, thinking immorality is okay.

Answer 7

Don't freak out yet...!!! He may be just looking as some men do...
If the age is truly "girls" then you may have an issue...
Keep an eye on him and see how his behavior is..is he some how a bit different with you??..does he have new friends that me be influencing him..??
The end result will be "question" him openly and honestly...He may be going through a phase... Do not take it personally as many guys just like to look at pics on occasion.... I am sure he still loves you and is just curious...
Unfortunately the Internet has opened a new can of worms with the easy access to pics... Most men would not go that far if it were not that easy to get to those web sites...
I have done some pic searching in the past (curious) and now stay away from that...my curiosity was turned to disgust at the infinite amount of filth... Yet I was curious.... It did not last....
Hope you can work through this...

Answer 8

TERRIFIED? Don't confront him...confront yourself. Your fear is a major, major issue. See a counselor and, by jeebers, do not ask for permission nor inform him that you are going.

When you talk with the counselor first tell him that you are afraid of your spouse. Explain what you found (the pictures), how you feel about that and why you are afraid. Then ask for suggestions (more that 1) regarding what you should do next and how you should disclose your counseling session to your husband.

My contact suggests: Abused women organizations, ministers, and/or therapists. There have been instances when a doctor was not very helpful.

I'll be hoping for your best solution. Best of outcome for you.

Answer 9

I can definitely see why you're upset, I would be too! I'm really sorry you have to go through this. My advice would depend on why you are "terrified" to confront him. If it's because you were snooping when you found them, I can understand. If it's because he's violent and you're afraid he will hurt you, then you need to get out of that house and get some help from your local domestic violence agency. If you're afraid that you will find out that your husband is a pedophile, I can understand that too.

Ulimately, you have to confront this issue (unless he's violent, then your safety becomes the issue) and find out what's going on with these pictures. When you say "almost girls", if this is kiddie porn (people under the age of 18), then you may have to involve the authorities, because this is a federal crime (not to make things worse for you). What you really need to understand is that pedophiles continue on and only get worse when people help them hide their crimes.

Hopefully, your husband can get some help and get better.

Answer 10

Love him! Forgive him. I don't know what to do, but I know that forgiving him and letting go of anger before you even talk to him about it can make things a lot better. Your husband is a human, and we all have weaknesses. That doesn't make what he may or may not be doing right, but understand that he's probably not trying to hurt you with this, and still loves you tons. I would say that if you talk to him about it, try not to make it a confrontation, but let him know that you found them and maybe ask why he has them as gently as possible? I know that this probably makes you wonder if you're not good enough for him, but you are. You are the one that could be there for him with love at all turns. Pray for guidance. I wish you the best!

(from one married woman to another)