I left my marriage 2 months ago, we were together for 12 years. He became extremely verbally and emotionally abusive and was drinking heavily. I left 700 miles away after he left for work.We are now talking daily on the phone. he says he is sober and wants me back, all that stuff.Basically he says he is changed by my leaving him like i did.There are still feelings for him, but i do not trust him and i don't think it can be fixed like he says it can be.I had no regrets with leaving, am i just missing what i knew( like my hometown and friends and family)? Can people change in such a short time?
2007-10-30 06:29:04 · 37 answers · asked by greyeyes672000 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
You know that the answer is NO!
2007-10-30 06:32:19 · answer #1 · answered by Gladys 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Two months is a very short time for a person to change that dramatically.
I'd give it more time. If you have a trusted friend where he lives that might kind of keep tabs on him, just to see if he's still drinking, etc., you might think of at least doing that for a time.
It's been my experience that when someone drinks, they have a deep-seeded problem. Especially after you were together for 12 years? Why did he begin drinking? Did whatever motivated him to start drinking go away while you were gone? I'd be very cautious. It's very easy for you to be sucked in, so I'd for sure give it more time. It sounds to me like your gut feeling is telling you it's over. You might listen to your gut...it's usually right. I'm thinking you've been too abused to ever forget it. Might be time to seek your happiness elsewhere...sometimes a change of scene can be a lifesaver. You can always go home later...or you may find you like it where you are now better. Give it time. Your friends can always visit.
Good luck.
2007-10-30 07:02:17 · answer #2 · answered by Barbi T 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
well...if you moved 700 miles away and y'all are talking on the phone, the question is who initiated the recommunication? did you call him first or did he hunt you down. if you contacted him first, simply put, you made a codependent move.
i think you're going through the lonely phase. as you said you miss what you're familiar with, and i think that part's normal. the tricky part is, as you said has he changed his ways?
if he's in counseling and addressing his issues, its possible you two can work things out, and at some point he will be sharing with you that his counselor invited you to participate in a session probably via phone since you're so far away. if not, don't kid yourself. anyone can control themselves to a certain degree on the phone-you cant see the body language that goes with the words.
if its real, time will tell. just like if its not. because the truth always has a way of coming out.
be a truthseeker. move slowly and carefully. dont let lonliness put you back in a mess. also seek counseling yourself. you need to address your own hurt from the relationship. and perhaps codependency in a dysfuctional relationship.
i wish you the best...
2007-10-30 06:37:28 · answer #3 · answered by D.... 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
mayb he did sober up give him sum terms as like he has to attend aa meeting an if he would like u could join him to show ur support and abusive meetins or anger meetings if u still have sum feelins left show him ur support but make sure 2 let him no that if this doesn't work ur gone for good no exc. an that u want look back becus sumtimes when people leave their partner they always end up thinkin in the end wonderin what if? cus they could b ur 1 true luv an the again mayb not marriage is worth a second turn
also if ur scared of him like as he will hurt u an u want to go back let everyone no that u r goin back an to call to check on u every day make up code names for stuff or don't go back at all
2007-10-30 06:37:05 · answer #4 · answered by scarlett_bytch 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
People can change in such a short period of time. It is possible, but not likely because in most cases it just takes longer to recognize one's negative behavior such as the drinking and abuse and then to correct it. One would have to wonder what personality flaw or mental problems prompted him to drink in the first place.
I am not saying he didn't have an epiphany and see the error of his ways, I hope he did. I am just saying that you should be cautiously optimistic at best.
2007-10-30 07:22:13 · answer #5 · answered by Sufi Musfaad 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I was in that same situation. I left with my kids for about 2 weeks and it sobered my husband up. We got make together and gave ours lives totally to God. That has been 13 months ago and things are better than ever. We have been married almost 19 years and together 20 1/2 years. I wish you the best.
2007-10-30 06:34:22 · answer #6 · answered by Hadassah 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
If he was drinking heavily and mentally/verbally abusing you - no he can't be over it yet. People need professional help in order to kick those type of habits. You can't just wake up two months later and say "I'm all better now." Unfortunately, it doesn't work that way. I wouldn't even consider unless he proved to you that he has been going to some type of therapy or counseling. Saying and doing are two different things.
2007-10-30 06:33:43 · answer #7 · answered by Paula Christine 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
It takes longer than that, and it also takes the help form professionals. I feel he's feeding your head with a bunch of hog wash!
Sure you may miss friends and family, but I'd insist on proof of anger management ( where the abuse comes from) and proof he's seeking help with his drinking problem.
These things, can't be stopped just like that!! The drinking maybe, if it wasn't a real problem, but the verbal and emotional abuse can't be quit just like that! He has to find out what made him and what makes him be this way.
Go ahead and talk, but think if it's worth it to you to go running back just because he says he's changed!
2007-10-30 06:44:53 · answer #8 · answered by peggin_beast 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Most guys don't change in a short amount of time. Don't go back as of yet. Give it more time to see if he is completely changed or not. I know that is hard to see physically with you being so far away, but I am sure that you have friends that may keep an eye on him.
2007-10-30 06:35:28 · answer #9 · answered by sweetie52379 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
No! Fallow your gut feeling... Look let me tell you something. I am in the same rut as you are... Look My hubby and I have been together for15 going slowly on16 yrs and let me tell you he has change not for the best but for the worse . we can't talk with one another. We argue everyday he be abusive and verbally as well. His drinking has gotton worse.. I left him and came back merely cause he said he is different and how he has changed and how he will not be the same and how he loves me so much and misses me and our girls and the list goes on rather long and how he is going to be better to me and all. Well her I am I moved back in as of March and he told me I didn't have to work and stupid me I did. I regret it..we'll it has started up again arguing everyday and I am assuming it is the begining All yr this yr I have left him not once, but twice and ask me if I do not regret coming back to him. I know it is hard,but if you are out and it has been this long keep going gurl... you deserve better. I kmow I deserve better , but I am going back to school so I can better myself and I am hoping for a better job so I can move out.. Well good luck...
2007-10-30 06:56:15 · answer #10 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
marriage isnt perfect and sometimes couples go through this when a spouse has an addiction and it effects the whole family, i wouldnt of left my husband cause of the drinking i would of did my best to support him and get him help because from experience the worst thing one can do is leave there spouse when they have a problem. but only once will i try supporting my partner in this case because once the violence kicks in you do not have to tolerate this but know it is the alcohol. people have gotten through these times. my dad was an alocohol succesful man with his buisness but he became violent and my mom left him and he got worse then he married my step mom and she helped him through it and he has been sober for 10 yrs and there marriage is better now because my step mom supported my dad by her choice.
i do not condone violence and im not saying take the abuse. but for you to know for sure he is clean now and what not can you talk to others that know what he used for therapy? and if in fact the alcoholism caused the abuse??
weigh out the pros and cons of you and him and no your not crazy for loving him. marriages are not perfect and i believe in once chance after that im out! that one chance is doing all you can too and him doing all he can to be a healthy man and husband. I also suggest counseling if you feel the marraige is worth savaging or even if you care enough about him as a friend to be his support system. were human we make mistakes.
i learned alot about addiction and the reprocussions it brings and you dont have to take or stand for abuse but just know that in order for this to be mended, it will take time and if you forgive him through time and not use his abuse against him i think this is mendable. always make sure your happy too!
im sorry this is so long but unless one has been in your husband shoes then they cant say. My dad had his own buisness at 18 yo he is very successful with all his buisness his motels his realestate all of this but i witnessed him be abusive to my mother and the next day and to this day he doesnt remember, my mom left but my dad became an alcolohic cause of his childhood and through support of my step mom he is great 10 yrs no addictions no abuse it was the alcohol. humans do make mistakes do you have to deal or pay for his mistakes no but if you really do care and feel that you canbe happy with him again then i think its great
2007-10-30 06:39:51 · answer #11 · answered by laylajai74 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋