Should I part ways with my hubby?

Question

I feel like after 10 years and four kids we have both changed. I love him and would do anything for him but I just don't feel like I am in love with him anymore? Maybe I am just staying with him for the kids sake? Our kids are 8, 8, 6, and 3. I feel like I should at least stay with him until their older. Maybe things will go back to the way they were? Its only been real bad for about a year. What shall I do?

Answer 1

You have been caught up in the drudgery of married life. It's common, and you should not give up so easily.

I am cutting an answer I gave to someone else earlier....

For the next two weeks you will treat him like a king. Smile at him all the time. Pats on the butt. Kiss when he comes in the door. And sex him up every night. Go out of your way to show him you love him.

Now for a few days he'll probably wonder what's gotten in to you. Don't fight. Just tell him you love him and you haven't done enough to show it.

99% chance within 2 weeks he will be doing the same to you.

Marriage is a two way street. You can't expect him to keep going when you have stopped. SOMEONE has to go first. How about you?

Answer 2

I would not suggest that you leave your husband.
I think that you two need to sit down and have a serious talk about the way things have gone.
Does he know you are feeling this way..he does have the right to know.

If you have lost that spark, you need to find it. Start doing some things that you two normally wouldn`t do together.
Maybe you are lacking something in your life and are using the relationship as a scapegoat.
Why not take up a hobby(if you haven`t already)..once a week or so, do something just for you. Sometimes that can make you feel more whole again.

I don`t think anyone should ever stay with their spouse just because of the kids, because then all involved are at risk for becoming unhappy.

Perhaps some counselling is in order..the only wrong thing you have wrote about is the lack of love..don`t risk a relationship over that until you are 110% sure! Regret is an awful thing.

Good luck!

http://www.saga.co.uk/magazine/relationships/couples/ReviveYourLoveLife.asp

http://messageboards.ivillage.com/n/mb/message.asp?webtag=iv-rlcouplescou&msg=93

Answer 3

You have allowed your feelings to override what is right and any form of "real" love.

Love is not an emotion and does not ebb and flow like deceiving feelings can.

Therefore, your statement about loving him will depend on if your words are empty or real.

If they are real, definately go and see a marraige counselor, because it is a very clear signal that you have little communication with your spouse. All of these feelings that are now overpowering you should have been addressed, discusssed and resolved solely with your spouse, not outside your marriage.

A marriage being "real bad" is not reason to break your committment and vows. Aside from hopping from the pot to the frying pan, which is most likely what will happen if you make such an immature step as leaving, a marraige on the rocks is actually an opportunity to really show true love.

It's easy to "love" when things are going well. Now that the past year or so has been going bad, you are called to step up to the plate of maturity and responsibility.

If for the very fact that your attitude is training your 8, 8, 6 and 3 year old to quit in anything in life if it's just "too hard" or "real bad", can you really live with your concious by teaching that to them? Or perhaps you'll try to appease that in some form. Who knows.

One thing is for sure, you definately need to seek some help in your perspectives, get a grasp of reality, and be the hero your children need, and be the wife your husband needs. You've already broken trust and confidence in you by your current state of attitude and emotional roller coaster.

Answer 4

Work on it first. Exhaust every possible way of resolving your issues first, whether it be couples or individual therapies, or getting a sitter so you can have date nights, and really starting to open the lines of communication between you. He needs to know what is displeasing you, and you need to know what to do on your end as well. This isn't something that happend overnight, and it won't heal overnight, and you BOTH need to be willing to do the work. If, after you've tried everything and there is nothing left to try you still feel the same, you should NOT hang around for the sake of the children because they feel the sadness from their mother in that environment. However, you also need to be prepared to go it alone, and child support is not going to be your crutch when you are ready to pull your hair out at the end of a long day in the life of the single mother. Good luck to you!

Answer 5

You loved him for a reason, people give up on marriage to easy these days. If he is not an abuser and is good to you and the kids then fine some way of putting the spark back. Maybe you are not happy with you. Go and see a counselor, if you feel better about you then you may feel better about you marriage. Like I say if there is no abuse in the home it is worth working on it for all of you.

Answer 6

It sounds like you two have been busy raising kids and maybe haven't had enough time for the two of you as a couple. It can be draining to have so many young children at home who require so much from you.

You and your husband need to try to be a couple again. Find a babysitter and go out on dates like you used to do. Spend time talking in bed before you go to sleep at night. Just find a way to be close to your husband to see how you really feel about him.

I am sure things have changed for you two because you are parents now. You just need to find a way back to one another. I wouldn't part ways until you give it another good shot.

Answer 7

I got poisoned after my wife took up with a new boyfriend after 17 years of marriage. I almost died. She had the nerve to tell the kids she thought I was going to die and she was the main suspect. She finally told me she was having an affair that started a month before I entered the ER and almost died. She finally told me what I already knew and moved out. I guess we all have to live with ourselves. Sounds like you have your hands full as a full time mother, what will you do to support your household if your husband is not around. It is something I have to think about all the time because I was left disabled with kids to take care of. And no, I don't want her back. I want my own life back, but I have to deal with reality as a father for my children.

Answer 8

maybe you all need to start over by not taking each other for granted.

i dont mean it in a disrespectful way, but i think that life can become so routine that it just feels mundane, waking up to the same ole' routine, the same ole' problems, and if they go away, new ones, with the same ole' attempts to address them.

maybe you want to talk to your family doctor about how you feel..they can recommend a counselor for you to talk to so you can sort out your feelings. i believe marriages are worth trying to save. get creative with dates. talk to your husband about feeliing like you're stuck in a rut and how more spontanuity may help in restoring being "in love"

i havent been married long, but even though, my husband and i went through this beforehand. and I broke up with him to "date others". honey, after dating 3 men who wanted to have sex on the second date i called my now husband on the phone and told him that he and i could start over. one of the guys was divorced 3 times and asked me to marry him after dating 6 weeks and became a stalker when i broke off from him. another i found out had a porno addiction (yes on the second date). and the last was the biggest wimp i have ever encountered-a DHL delivery driver asked me out with him standing right beside me, i politely declined, and after the driver left, then he told me he should have cursed him out but he didnt want to make a scene. We were standing in an empty hospital parking lot!

hang in there and work on restoring what you had...its worth it...like i told someone else today think about the 80/20 rule: is it worth losing a person a 80% thing for a 20% short term fling?

Answer 9

Are you willing to try counseling?

Reading material to consider:
Relationship Rescue, Phil McGraw
Five Love Langagues, Gary Chapman
A Couple's Guide to Communication, John Mordechai Gottman
Getting the Love You Want, Harville Hendrix
Divorce Busters by Michelle Weiner-Davis

Answer 10

one bad year out of ten is much better than most of the people I know. Yes, both of you have changed, hopefully grown. It seems a bit premature to be thinking about leaving. By the time the kids are on their own each of you will have changed more. As long as you and hubby respect each other love has a chance to re-grow