Does anyone have advice for a person with a disability who wants to have a child?

Question

I am disabled. I take medication on a regular basis and I go to doctor's appointments regularly. I stay home while my husband works and take care of our home. Most people, when looking at me, don't know I'm disabled unless I tell them. It is a permanent disability and I have accepted that. I will always have little things that I need help with, but not to the point of needing constant supervision. I can take care of myself and others, but I cannot work.

My husband and I want to have a child. There is no chance that I can pass on my disability to a child. I have experience with babies and am known for my common sense and reliability. My doctors have said there's no problem with me having a child. Now that I am actively trying to conceive a child, however, one therapist has suddenly changed her mind and is telling me I'm “not ready.” She only sees me for 45 minutes every month and I don’t feel that’s enough for her to make such a judgment call.

My family and friends, who live around me constantly, keep asking me when I’m going to have a baby and I want to cry every time they ask. I want one, but I’m afraid that if I go against my therapist’s wishes, she could have the baby taken away from me solely based on my disability and inability to work outside the home. Does anyone out there have any experience with this sort of thing or pearls of wisdom to impart to me? If so, they would be greatly appreciated! Thank you in advance!

I'd like to thank everyone who has answered so far for your thoughtful, kind answers.

To clarify a little more, the medications I take will not harm a child while in the womb. Three years ago, I checked with my doctor to make sure of this and was slowly taken off any medications that could pose a threat to a developing fetus.

My disability is not degenerative. How it is now, is how it will always be, so that's not a factor :)

And, efil, I know my husband in particular will very much appreciate your suggestion! lol! I can assure you, though, that's really not a problem! :)

Answer 1

It sounds to me like you have thought this out very well. Since family members, who I assume know you well seem to think you should have a child, I say forget about the therapist.
Usually it is those who know us best that will say we should not have children.
I say go on with your plans for a child.

Answer 2

I am blind and plan on some day having a child with a certain someone who is also blind, and we will likely face the same problem. There have been countless cases of midwifes and other hospital staff calling Child Protective Services before the head is even out! No exageration, I am dead serious. ANd then the state tries every which way they can to find just cause to take the baby. They make this call and do this simply because the parents are blind, and they don't understand blindness enough to know how a non-sighted person could possibly care for a child. In some cases random people in play groups or preschools will take the same action upon simply learning that the parents are blind, and blind parents are always being twice as careful as sighted ones to keep their children from getting hurt because god knows the first bad bruis from falling off of the monkey bars will be reason enough for someone to try to have the child put into foster care.

I don't know what the nature of your disability is, but assuming it's psychological/emotional I would say talk to your therapist and ask her WHY she doesn't think you're ready. Ask for examples of how you've shown a lack of preparedness/readiness for this life-changing decision. This will aid you in making your choice, but the choice IS ultimately yours to make. Make sure she knows this and that you'll accept her advice, but her job is to help you, not to make decisions for you.

Answer 3

People are going to have their own views no matter what. To heck with them.

No one can take a child away from a parents based solely on a disability. Doesn't happen. The only way a child can be taken away from a parent is as a result of abuse or neglect.

You need to make sure that the medication you are on does not cause birth defects and is safe to take while pregnant. If not, your doctor can prescribe something else and adjust accordingly. Then you need to find a website with others that have your disability and ask them what complications they had during pregnancy and do what you can to prevent those complications.

Good luck and God bless.

Answer 4

Depending on your disability and the medication you are taking, talk to the docs aain to see if there would be any effects on the unborn child from meds. Furthermore, you may want to check out parenting classes since babies grow up fast and turn into children and before you know it intoteenagers. Its nice to know in advance what your getting yourself into. Other then that, your therapist can not have a child taken away from you just because (s)he feels like it. There have to be real reasons for a child to be removed from a home. Reasons are child abuse, neglect, unhealthy living conditions. If you dont have any of these, its your child. The most a therapist can do is keep an eye on you and that might be great in case you do need help.

Answer 5

Honey, have your child. Don't worry about what your therapist says. Why exactly does she tell you that you're not ready? 45 minutes a month really isn't enough time for her to make that call. Nobody will take your baby away because of your disability and because you don't work outside of the home. The only reasons that kids are taken from parents are abuse and neglect. If you are capable enough to take care of a baby and not abuse or neglect it, by all means, get pregnant. Good luck!

Answer 6

The only problem I have is that you are spooked by your therapist. It takes guts to raise a child. Why are you worried about her so much? You seem more frightened by her than most teenagers are of their parents. Find another therapist and consider the job you are wanting to undertake for the next 18 years. Chronic pain, if you have it, will be a factor. Mentally, just so many things to consider. Dreamy in theory, but when things get tuff and husbands leave, it can be a nightmare trying to raise a child.

Answer 7

If you can't pass your disability to your child and if you and your husband can afford to raise the child and if you yourself can take on the responsibility of raising a child then go for it. Remember having a child is a full time job. Up all hours of the night, no vacation time and no off days or sick days. Yes the baby years are great and they are cute to hold and easy to feed and diaper, but remember they do grow up to be screaming two/three year olds then teenagers. So ask yourself do you really want to go through that? If your answer is still yes. then go for it.

Answer 8

Taking care of a child is a big responsibility, In what stage will your disability be when your child is 2 or 5 years old, is it progressing. And obviously you would not want to pass on anything that would make a child suffer. Its a lot to think about. I am sure you will both make the right decison. Good luck, and remember real friends support you know matter what decision you make. Also I would recommend praying about it, talk with your Pastor if you go to Church, let him pray with you both about it. God Bless!!

Answer 9

Nobody gets to decide the readiness for a child but the people involved. The therapist is free to speak as she sees fit, but ultimately, the decision is yours and your husband's. (Look at it from the other way; what if you didn't feel ready and she said you were. Would you be in trouble if you "went against her" and *didn't* have a child?) Your child cannot be taken away unless there is proven harm to him or her. If you're not abusive, neglectful, or threatening towards your child, you shouldn't have trouble from social services or other authorities.

Answer 10

Short answr--get a new therapist.

Here's a reality many people--including many people with disabilities--are not aware of: many "health professionals," rehabilitation workers, and people in similar occupations have a strong bias against people with disabilities.

It is not overt--they will be polite and professionally supportive. But a large percentage view persons with disabilities as "damaged goods" and themselves not as providing servicces but as supervisors for people who are defined as incompetant.

To learn more--try googling the term "disability studies" (or go to Amazon.com and do a search for that term" This field of social science has a number of good books that hellp you to understand the social world we live in--and document the kind of professional prejudice on the part of rehabilitation, etc., workers I'm talking about.
This "therapist" is clearly one of these closet bigots. Ignore her, get a new therapist--and go ahead and have kids!