used to be fat, now I don't want to date?

Question

From the time I was 11, up until I turned 23, I was very very overweight. I have only had one "boyfriend" growing up and I use that term loosely because I later found out that he cheating on me and using me. The majority of guys that I met were very mean to me because of how I looked. I'll confess that for a long time I had very low self esteem and suffered from depression. Since then I have lost about 95% of my excess weight and all of a sudden men that I meet are interested in me and hit on me. The problem is that now I have no desire to date anyone or get married. My family does not understand this and they keep pushing me to settle down with someone when in reality I'd much rather be alone. I don't want to get hurt if I should gain back my weight and I feel that if I'm not loved for who I am on the inside, I'd rather not be loved at all. I have asked them to stop but my cousin especially insists on trying to hook me up and she makes comments about me being single. What should I do?

I'm not saying there is anything wrong with not liking fat women. Everyone is entitled to their preference.

Answer 1

You cousin just wants to see you happy. Being alone is nice, but so is being with someone. Your past experiences have made you believe that all relationships are no good.
Congrads on the weight loss ( if thats what you were looking for)
If you want to be alone, be alone. But dont totally shut out the option of dating again, only because there is a guy other there that can make you happier then you can make yourself.
When you meet him, take things slow.
It may take a long time before you are comfy with letting anyone in. Take your time, dont let anyone push you into something unwanted.

Answer 2

Hi hon... what you do with your life is ultimately your decision, and you can't stop people from butting in, unfortunately.

Because of the issues you had with guys and being overweight, and from what you said here, i think you might do well to talk to a therapist.... it seems as if you are afraid of being used again, and have huge trust issues when it comes to men.

Believe me, i have those myself; however, there might come a time in your life you desire a partner, and these trust issues could get in the way. We put up a brick wall when we have experienced distress in our lives. And while it's true your first boyfriend used you, this would not be the case with every man.... however, you will likely continue to see it this way if you don't learn how to cope with that experience and come to some realizations.

Therapy can teach us some good coping skills, help us to realize a lot of things about ourselves and others and help us find direction.

Hon, you can't just settle down "with someone"... a special person has to come along first, and apparently, you haven't met that special one. I hope someday you might. Meanwhile, do what makes YOU happy in your day to day.

Also, i'd like to say that since you are at a healthy weight, please don't worry about gaining it back over some guy. Do what YOU need to do in order to maintain a healthy weight. Walking or exercise a few times a week really helps. Some of us have a tendency to gain weight more than others, and i really think it's something we have to get a handle on.

Remember your life and your weight are YOURS.... and you need to do what is best for YOU. take care ok?

Answer 3

I can understand what you went through and feel on the inside. You have to realized that our society is petty much base upon the outer of a person more than the inner person. If you look at the magazine racks in the stores, billboards, TV ads, etc you see your slim women. There are very few ads with a plus size women. I am very happy and proud that you lose the weight, now it time to work on your inner self now. Rejections does scar you but don't let it cripple you emotional. get out there and enjoyed the new you. and when you're ready to get settle down, let it be on your own terms.

Answer 4

I know exactly how you feel. You want someone to fall in love with YOU, not with what you look like.
By the way, Congrats on losing the extra weight. I know you feel better. You have an advantage that most people do not. You know how ugly people can act towards other human beings.
My only advice would be this: Don't discount everyone who shows an interest you, because some will be genuine. But, take it slow, and if you do date someone, see how they treat others. How do they treat overweight people? How do they treat poor people? How do they treat people who are not very intelligent? This will give you an idea of how nice a person he really is.
Good luck to you, and congrats once again.

Answer 5

pookie. congratulations on loosing the weight. That takes a lot of determination and you did it.

Now let me explain people in general. The first thing they have is a physical attraction. Not everyone likes people who are too short for their weight. And so without that attraction there they have nothing to go on.

Now I can only discuss me. I too like women who look nice. My first wife was 5'3" and around 120 when we married. over time she grew to about 190. I didn't divorce her because she got fat, I divorced her due to a growing apart and a lack of sex. I wanted a lot and she didn't want any.
During this same time I gained 5 lbs because the military kept a close eye on my weight and wouldn't allow me to gain much.

Once you meet a guy who likes you as you are, you can ask him if he would like you if you weighed 100 lbs more. Let him know you used to weigh ??? lbs and wonder if he would stick around if you got that big again.

If he truly loves you I bet he would. but he would still see you the way you are now.

Answer 6

First of all good on you and more power to you for loosing the weight. Obviosuly you are a strong person and if you are single and comfortable what the hel* !!. It's your life, if you are enjoying it, it is no-one elses business. Whether you want to stay single, enjoy some casual relationships , be gay, whatever, tell them to mind there own business, your probably more stable and happy then most of the couples you know. But that said, if you are not dating as some kind of "revenge" for people not being interested in you in your previous form, then you are denying yourself a lot of happyness.

Answer 7

I know that family and peer pressures can make people do things that they don't want to, but you're an adult and its time for you to gain some esteem in yourself and make your own decisions.

If you're not dating because you have no confidence in yourself as a skinny person then maybe you need some counsellings.

Just go out and have fun. Don't think about marriage and settling down. You're young. Good luck:::)

Answer 8

Keep doing what you're doing... I know how you feel. Tell them to stop pushing and you'll doing things when you're ready. As for if you'll ever be ready, you may never, until you open up and find out that teenage boys are just plain mean, but then the older they get, they mature a little bit. I would just say if you're that worried, continue to exercise about 2-3 times per week to make sure you don't gain, but stay where you are...

AND ONE LAST THING... MAY I JUST SAY I'M PROUD OF YOU! I bet you look fantastic!

Answer 9

Hi Pookie.

I am not trying to give you a one-size-fits-all answer here but seriously, please seek some counseling for yourself.

I work as a personal trainer, and I have worked with ALL types of people, from the most athletic, to very out of shape, as well as women with eating disorders. The brain is a powerful thing. Your body shape has changed, but your brain is still where it was when you were overweight.

I wish I could get in depth here....I apologize for the vagueness of my answer, I can only say that I really think you should get some help for yourself on your body image/esteem issues.

Finally, let me say this:

Congratulations on reclaiming the body you were meant to have. Place value on the work it took to get there, but place MORE value on your inner self, and heal from within your heart and soul as well.

Good luck to you!!!

Answer 10

The reality is that you will never get any where if you don't try and the man who falls for you will take you either way. I have been you and I can tell you that looking back I wish I had not waited so long to start my life. Becasue its great!!