Can you love someone without being "in love" with them?

Question

Been married nearly 20 years. My husband and I seem to have grown apart over the last 2 years. I still love him, but I just don't like him very much any more. I'm not "in love" with him. I just don't seem to have the same feelings I did for him when it comes to intimacy. He thinks I'm cheating because I don't want to have sex with him. But it's just because I don't feel close to him anymore. I don't feel like he cares about my wants, needs and well being, so I guess over time, we've just kind of withdrawn from each other. He shows no affection to me, unless he wants sex. Hasn't told me he loves me in months. I can't talk to him about my feelings because he becomes irate and turns things around and blames me for our problems.

I've sat and cried over this for days, weeks. Part of me wants a divorce, but part of me wants to stay with him, as we have a lot of years invested in this marriage, and we have two teen children.

Advice and suggestions please?

Nice Lady, yes, we've lost the "spark". But it goes much deeper than that. It's not just a lack of intimacy. I'm not even sure that I really even love him anymore.

Nice Lady, since you edited your answer, I'll edit my detail. I've tried your suggestions. It doesn't work on him. NOTHING I've tried works.

Terras, I've tried communicating. My original question stated "I can't talk to him about my feelings because he becomes irate and turns things around and blames me for our problems." He doesn't want to communicate. He wants to control.

Daniela, you make a good point. Yes, I do have some sympathy for him. Perhaps I'm confusing sympathy with love.

Ok, for Paul and Optimist, who seem overly concerned with my points total, I spend about an hour a day on the computer. Some days not at all. That is *not* the problem. And most of the time, my surfing is done early in the a.m. before anyone in the house wakes up. Hubby sleeps in til 9 am *every day*. I get up at 5 am to have a little time to myself before I get the kids up and ready for school.

Greg, I don't watch much TV. I don't watch soap operas at all and rarely catch a movie. I don't know where you're coming from with the "full of crap" line, but it's offensive. As for showing affection, I can recall several times when I've tried to walk up just to put my arms around him to hug him, only to have him push me away physically. As for marrying young, I guess if you consider 32 young, I was young. You, sir, are full of crap.

Answer 1

Get your butts to a marriage counselor now. You don't understand this, but how your hubby feels towards you is directly affected by his intimate relationship with you. The longer you go without sexual contact with him, the more he will come to resent you. Get some help now. If you don't, he will go outside the marriage to find what he needs. Do it now!

Answer 2

I think when people say this they just mean that they have lost the spark.

You describe all the things you want from him and don't get. Does he get what he wants from you? Here's what I always suggest to people stuck in a rut like this.

For the next two weeks you will treat him like a king. Smile at him all the time. Pats on the butt. Kiss when he comes in the door. And sex him up every night. Go out of your way to show him you love him.

Now for a few days he'll probably wonder what's gotten in to you. Don't fight. Just tell him you love him and you haven't done enough to show it.

99% chance within 2 weeks he will be doing the same to you.

Marriage is a two way street. You can't expect him to keep going when you have stopped. SOMEONE has to go first. How about you?

Good luck.

EDIT I know what you mean - you loved him before. I would put money on it you could again if you worked at it.

It's worth a good hard try isn't it? If you try and it doesn't work what have you lost? It's better than just giving up and divorcing.

EDIT OK - you did it consisently for a while and it didn't work? He doesn't tell you he loves you. Do you tell him that you love him?

As for sex - a marriage without sex isn't really a marriage, especially for men. They cannot feel emotionally connected to their wives without it. Cutting off sex permanently is the death knell for a marriage. As long as you have cut him off, he is going to remain distant from you.

Answer 3

I have been married for almost 29 years and have been right where you are now. One thing--children--they drain the life from you. I don't mean this ugly either--they just do. Unless someone really works at keeping the husband/wife relationship top priority once children arrive on the scene, it is not going to happen. Most parents feel selfish taking time for themselves so the kids basically rule. Once they become teens and start pulling away and causing havoc in the house, it makes it even harder to have a sane and sexy relationship with your partner. Many people get divorces at this time in their lives--when they should be getting some marriage counseling and putting the one who you vowed to love through the ups and downs of life back on the front burner. It is not easy, and sometimes not doable if both partners are not willing to work at it. It sounds as if you are tired and weary and have no intimate connection anymore. This problem is very solvable, but will take work and dedication from both of you--but one has to get the ball rolling and that one should be you since you are the one asking for help. Do not despair if it does not get better over night--it has taken 20 years to get here--it will take a little time and effort to get back to where you want to be. Best of luck to you and your husband!

Answer 4

This is a real tough one. I would definately suggest good communication but it sounds like it is being blocked pretty hard. Perhaps if you use sex as the lead into a conversation by saying I want our sex lives to come back but here is why I have withdrawn for so long now. Also preface it with "I need you to hear what I am feeling, it may be right or it may be wrong but it how I see things right now. Please talk to me about what I say and what you are feeling." You may even let him know how concerned you are about your future and staying married. But be cautious of sounding threatening just say these are concerns and feeling you are having and it will never change if he continues to argue or get defensive. Keep the tone of your voice soft and non-accusitory, make it all about wanting to find common ground. Remind him that after 20 years of marriage you have both been doing things right to last that long and you know that things have gotten tough lately but you know they can be resolved. If he can show the slightest movment in his actions then it is a good start. Also, be prepared to hear what he has to say, if you open this discussion you have to keep it going both ways and be prepared to be the bigger person and change any of his concerns first as a sign of wanting to make it work. I know this is pretty jumbled together but I hope there are some useful ideas. I hate to see 20 years get squashed. I hope you work it out, God bless.

Answer 5

Hello Ann, sometimes we look at the grass over fence by the river and it seems to be greener than our own. As we get closer to the grass, it is not as green as it looked from afar. Your relationship has gone through some major changes and the two people involved didn't change with it. So now desires are now expectations and there is no feeling of "in love" between you two. You both are taking the invested time in your marriage for granted. A marriage can only survive on the foundations you both have established and continue to work on. If you both don't continue to work at those foundations, the marriage slowly falls apart.
You both need some counseling to get through the problems you are now having. If he decides to not go get counseling, get some yourself so when you make a decision on what is best for you and the children, will know exactly what to do.

You crying over the situation tells me that you still are " in love" with him, but you are a little hurt and frustrated with how he is dealing with it.

Raising teen children is another dynamic of a family which can be a factor as well. Children are more resilient than we parents give them credit for. I hope this helps.

Answer 6

The flame in your love life has dwindled. You've been in routine for 20 years and during those 20 years it was all about the kids, chores, activities, etc. Now that the kids are on there way out, there's little left between the both of you.

You're reaching the golden years. The best thing to do at this point in your life is to travel and see the world together. Start traveling outside of the country. If you take vacations, it takes you away from the normality. Hopefully, you have done well with your finances which will allow for travel (i.e. Kids educations paid for, house paid for, cars paid for, etc.)

On vacations, it is just the two of you. Take excursions together, see different lifestyles and other people around the world. Through their eyes, the both of you will learn to appreciate each other. Once you learn appreciation, you will learn to grow old and gray together.

Meanwhile, you can do smaller excursions on the weekends. There are plenty of mountain excursions, hiking, boating, etc. Go to nature a little and enjoy the surrondings.

But, don't nag, just influence the trips. You might need to bribe him with some tickets or something. But, men, we tend to fall in a pattern life style and take things for granted. We need women to spice things up and keep us on our toes.

Start searching the internet for some excusions near you. Leave the kids, of course. The both of you must learn each other again and it is not about the kids.

Answer 7

First of all, sorry for what you are going through. Some of your circumstances sound similar to mine...I've been married 6 years, together with him for 10. It's hard to be close to someone long term whom refuses to offer you companionship and is not willing to talk about feelings or show affection. It's no wonder you don't feel close to him. As you mentioned, it sounds very much like a control thing on his part and it has worn you out, but you are getting tired of living this way. In my situation I'm just kind of waiting it out, giving a little longer to see how things go. It's a tough position to be in. His not caring about your wants and needs...as you reflect back has he always been this way?

Answer 8

My wife and I are going through a very similar situation right now. She has told me she loves me but is not sure if she is still in love with me. She says she believes we have lost our emotional bond. She initially asked for a divorce and I was in shock! I knew we has problems, but didn't realize how bad they were. It's been a month since she asked for a divorce, since then I've convinced her to try counseling. we went to the first session and after presenting our situation to the counselor, we were asked to see counselors individually first to work on our problems and talk them through without our partner being there and getting defensive. Our problems are based on not being able to express our emotions properly. Any marraige is going to have some hurtful times created by your partner. Most are just misunderstandings. In our case, when these hurtful times happened, naturally anger was our first reaction. We both have been able to not lash out at these times, but withdraw to think about how we were hurt. The problem came that we couldn't properly express our feelings to our partner. Nor could we explain why we were feeling that way. So over time our hurtful feelings grew along with resentment. Part of our problem is from our sex life, and the rejection of my sexual advances. Another problem surrounds having kids, and the lack of time just the two of us. I don't have an answer for you, I just thought telling what I'm going through might give you some insight. My wife and I seperated two weeks ago. And I to have been crying everyday for the last month since she asked for a divorce. Take care, I know it hurts a great deal.

Answer 9

Honestly, no. You watch too many bad movies and soap operas. You can't talk to anybody, even on here anonymously, about your feelings because you are full of crap.

Sorry, but you are full of crap. Let me explain: you aren't romantically in love (or even interested) in your husband. Period. That's English. Anything else is nonsense. Generally speaking, when somebody's interest level drops as low as you describe your interest level in your marriage and husband, it doesn't ever go back to a really great level, so I guess you have to ask yourself what you want out of this marriage now... because once his interest dropped to the point where he stopped showing affection, it was too late to get it up to the level where he was doing silly, romantic things all of the time.

See there? And you say he never shows you affection, but it's a two-way street: you gotta give a little to get a little.

You sound like you must have married young and never matured emotionally.

Answer 10

"With 11,902 points, you should be able to answer this yourself" or With 11,902 points, you should realise there is a big gap in your life. Often we get into a rut and find an avenue of escape. That escape ends up preventing us getting out of the rut. Instead of talking to him you are probably on the computer all your free time. He probably doesn't seem to care. But you MAY be able to climb from the rut if you sit on the sofa together, enjoy a cuddle, a bottle of wine and a film.
It is really difficult. But my guess is your escape has become your prison - albeit an open prison.
If I was to suggest anything it would be to take your keyboard to the post office and mail it back to your self using a slow parcel delivery. Have a couple of days without it, lose the distraction and try to be a couple. If you think you cant do it then you maybe love Yahoo more than him!
Good luck