About a year ago my husband had a month long affair. We tried to work it out but we eventually seperated for about 8 months. We reconciled and we've been together ever since. I know that he loves me, but I just don't trust him anymore. I really wish that I could just move on. I'm not mad at him anymore it's just that he doesn't make me feel the same way he once did. I know that he is very happy that we're back together so I don't want to hurt him. At the same time I figure "hey he slept with someone else who cares about his feelings! do what will make you happy!" I'm sure if I want a divorce I do still love him and maybe we could make things work. Right now I'm just so confused.
2007-10-30 01:00:31 · 26 answers · asked by Anonymous in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
Trust is one of those things that even love can't instantly restore. You can forgive something that has happened. but until you can honestly forgive and let it go, it will always be there like some happiness robber, stealing your peace of mind and contentment. Since you have already reconciled and obviously feel something for him or you wouldn't have given him another chance, if I were you I would make myself a pact.
I would start by saying ...here are the rules... and tell him this as well. If he ever cheats again, thats it...it is over .. not even friends anymore and not a friendly divorce. There is a matter of your pride here. By doing this are you are saying... Hey You hurt me before and I am giving you a chance, but I'm not doing it blindly and your not playing me here.
Then I would tell myself... it's clean slate time. I have committed to giving him a sincere second chance and I have to let this go or its not a fair chance for either of us.
Then really try to open yourself up again. Yep your risking the possibility of more pain, but your also opening yourself to the only real possibility of getting things back like they were and actually being happy again.
Bad things happen in marriages and it isn't the good times that make you stick, it is the hard times, like this. If you can get through this, your marriage will honestly be stronger...that is if you both hold up your end of the deal. Our humanity makes it impossible that we will all live lives of perfect behavior. There is gonna be pain and betrayal and all those type things. Each hurtle you get past, only bonds you more together:)
Good Luck:)
2007-10-30 01:17:10 · answer #1 · answered by Anonymous · 2⤊ 0⤋
It takes a very long time to get the trust back and you will feel a bit different about him, after all, he is not the man you married. The man you married was not a cheater and he is one as he had an affair. You love him, but are afraid to be vulnerable again to being hurt so much, so you are a bit on-guard and don't want to give of yourself as you once did. Only you can decide if you wish to stay with him. If you know that you will never be able to forgive him, better to move on. But it takes more than a year for most people to feel the trust again. He has to earn it back. I feel that if you do wish to make it work, you have to let go of the past; it is over and done with and nothing you can do will change the facts. You must start from today forward. It is very difficult to do; I know. Again, I suggest you go to www.marriagebuilders.com as many women and men are going through the same thing; having the same emotions as you are. You are rebuilding a broken relationship and fear and doubt is all a part of it. mortfertel also has excellent and sensible advise. He & his wife went through this and he is such a positive voice when so many others are negative. Take a look at the sites. I wish you the best, no matter what decision you make.
2007-10-30 02:08:33 · answer #2 · answered by pussycat 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Everyone thinks, get over it and move on together, or else leave him. Well, I have been through this not so long ago also, and as you know, it is not so "black and white." I am at the point where I am unsure if I am able to truly forgive. Once you get over the initial shock and anger, it is hard to figure out what feelings you are "supposed" to be having. Of course trust is an issue, if there is a phone call that is a hangup, if he says he has to work late, you are suspicious from now on. He may never do this again, but you wonder: why did he want to do it initially, something must be wrong with your relationship. And I find myself hanging on to this all the time now; almost like holding it over his head, which is an unfair thing to do. I would give it some time if I were you. Unless you are sure that you will be unable to move on with him. BUT the fact that you did reconcile after your seperation says a lot, that you are both willing to try again. I really don't have any answers for you, but understand exactly what you are going through. Best of luck to you, and I hope things all work out for the best.
2007-10-30 01:42:00 · answer #3 · answered by Saia 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
You need to get some counseling together so that you can try to get past this. There is a difference between a man who sets out to cheat on a spouse and someone who is unable to resist when someone goes after him, and the fact that he came back to you after 8 months makes me wonder if he wasn't just weak and got into a situation because of someone "hitting" on him and if it isn't the other person who was involved in the cheating that you should now not trust.
If you both love each other, you can make it work and the counseling will help you figure out how to do that.
Good Luck to you!!
2007-10-30 01:18:50 · answer #4 · answered by Al B 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
cheating on a spouse is the ultimate betrayal. Of course you don't feel the same about him. You say you love him and thats a good start...but he is the one that needs to build the trust back. Not all people are wired to forgive and forget and its just possible that you will never see him in the same light. Be fair to yourself and give this some time (time is an excellent healer) and if after a while you feel the same..it might be best to move on. However, you need to let him know how you feel..so he's not shocked if you decide to move on. Not sure if you have children...but don't have any untill your sure of your feelings. Also..try seeing a counselor who might be able to give you better insight on how to handle your feelings. Remember...they deal with these types of issues all the time and can give excellent advice. Good luck to you!!
2007-10-30 01:18:30 · answer #5 · answered by Cubsfan 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Sometimes even though we love someone it doesn't mean we can go on living with them. I have always believed that cheating was a choice and never a mistake. It is hard enough to deal with someones one night stand but when they keep going back for more that is just a deal breaker for me! It would mean to me that every encounter with that person was a thought out plan and at that time what plans or idea's did the betrayer possibly have in line for me had his lust turned into love with this other woman. Where would my life be had a child been created from that union or I had to deal with a life threatening disease? When you marry someone you put your heart and emotions in their hands...you trust them to believe in the commitment of loving and caring and protecting you. When they fall short of that promise you wonder what the day of your marriage even meant to them or why that day should be remembered as the happiest day of your lives. It shatters everything good that it stood for and what is was meant to be! When that commitment is broken by infidelity nothing feels the same about your hopes and dreams because it treads on the most important part of the relationship ....The trust and intimacy of it. To forgive someone does not mean that you will ever forget it ...it only means that you will try if you can to learn how to live with them doing you wrong. If time cannot heal the hurt and pain it does not mean that we have to stay with them and protect their feelings and what they want out of life because the grass wasn't greener on the other side for them. They crossed that fence and took a part of you away that will never feel the same for it! When they choose to come back over it is up to them in how they mend it if they can....but sometimes the damage is so bad that we have to buy a whole new fence!
2007-10-30 02:46:20 · answer #6 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Cheating is so destructive and selfish. The after effects are disastrous.
Have you been to counseling? I know that you say that you are not mad, but you seem to have a wall up and are not yet ready to 'let him in". You are on guard, and that is understandable.
You need some counseling to work through these feelings. Since you are back together, you cannot punish him anymore.
You need to take care of you and heal from this. It does take time. Confusion is very normal.
Get some counseling and do some nice things for yourself.
Good Luck!
2007-10-30 01:51:01 · answer #7 · answered by Tadpoler 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
There is nothing more hurtful than betrayal. No wonder you feel lost and hurt. If you really want to work it out, it will take alot of time. Even then, things will never be the same.At times you will question your sanity and blame yourself. You did'nt cheat, he did. Don't beat yourself up. Either forgive him completly or get out and start over. It will not be easy.
2007-10-30 01:31:22 · answer #8 · answered by cooter726 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
well, this is what happens when an affair happens... =(... if you decide to leave because you know you can't trust him to be faithful anymore, so be it! he should expect that you can't ever trust him again... =(... basically, he is the type of man that needs a babysitter instead of a wife... sigh... I know you don't want to hurt him, but, if you can't forget, you know this will never work... and I don't expect you to forget! who can blame ya??? =(... he loves you? hmmm... I am not so sure, but, see, when I see someone cheat, I truely believe they don't love their spouse! that's just me... his "5 minutes in bed w/ someone else" could affect your marraige for years! =(... good luck... have another talk w/ him, tell him everything you told us...
2007-10-30 01:08:22 · answer #9 · answered by elvlayarvvi fEisty wife and mom 6 · 2⤊ 0⤋
It is really hard when a loved one cheats ,you will always find it hard to trust in him again ,first really think hard about weather or not you really want to stay with him ,focus on your feelings first not his,keep in mind he did,nt keep your feelings in play when he cheated , it is very traumatizing when you love someone so much and you find out they have slept with someone else . i know from experience . the only one to decide if they want this relation ship is really you no one can give you your answer,but in respect i try ed and mine failed he did the same thing again two years down the road , now not all guys or girls do this some people do change the question is do you feel he really has. if you have any doubt at all than you have your answer , you will always love him for what you both shared between you before he hurt you. and are there children involved , i choose to stay with my husband because of my children which was my wrong choice ,you need to think of you first good luck i hope all works out for you.
2007-10-30 01:17:46 · answer #10 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋