Wife question for married guys?

Question

Been married for a one and a half years now and I have tried that "new man" stuff like trying to be open with my wife and be her friend, etc - but all it seems to have resulted in is one massive head f*** for me. When I have tried to open up or give my opinions about my wifes problems they go down like a lead balloon and upset her or- get this- she finds me "too positive" . All she wants is for me to do is listen to her problems but do nothing. I dont understand her and I personally dont like what I am becoming. However, besides this I know she is a good woman, and I know that when the time comes she will be a good mother.
So I have started thinking that the old school way of treating "wives as wives" and not as friends/soulmates is the way to go.
So my question is: have any married guys gone down this road of keeping a barrier between their personal lives and their marriages? And how has it worked out for you?

Cheers - I know this is a weird question

Many thanks for all the inciteful answers so far. Certainly much food for thought at my end.

Re the responses that I should listen more, the problem is that it appears that my facial expressions, tone etc are not very convincing when I am doing this. It has got to the state she can see right through me - and I then get told that I dont care about her problems. Hence the suggestion that I back off a bit makes sense. Anyway isnt "validating" incorrect views a bit fake?

Answer 1

When the wife vents her complaints, unless they are about you, your best approach is just to listen; ask open-ended questions if it seems appropriate (usually is); DON'T offer "solutions". Hey, we all suffer from Male Answer Syndrome, the confident ability to address and solve anything with irrefutable knowledge, but that really doesn't help here. She wants a sounding board, and that is a real part of the husband job. Sometimes she just needs to vent and that'll be all of it -- you offer to brew coffee or something to make yourself useful/helpful. Massage her shoulders. Mutter comforting nostrums ("that doesn't sound too bad; maybe it'll sort itself out; your friend (name) might have insight").

Women are not men with different plumbing and curvier bodies. They are women, they think and feel in different ways. Be the man she married plus 1.5 years' worth of interpersonal evolution -- naturally, not self-induced -- and never stop studying her. Sometimes she needs you just to be there, be her life's rock. Guys tend to be good at "rock". You can do this.

Free cheat hint: if you do have a possible solution -- one that is a surefire winner -- keep it until tomorrow and bring it up with "...I was thinking about what you said..." -- shows you've taken an interest, and that the issue (whatever it was) matters to you too. Now, the content should be sincere -- that's important, you're not just playing along -- but the delayed approach can amplify her reception, as her emotional state by now should have cooled. Yeah, I know this sounds whacko since guys tend to want to get right to the point. Do it anyway.

Answer 2

I know this guy who loves to fix things and not just the car and the leaky faucet and so on. I also know the girl who would rather mumble to herself about how she feels. The two of them have a great relationship very supporting of eachother, except one day she came to him asking him how to handle an emotional issue. He always had an answer but the truth is men are fixers and women prefer to take the emotional route to fix a problem.

Put it this way: If the faucet is leaking you fix it you get out a wrench and glue and shut the water of and BAM! it's fixed. Your wife would prefer to talk to the sink until it resolves the issue itself.

Sometimes all women want is someone there listening to the important details and not really giving feedback but just to know you are there. HEY! You married her for some reason. Get on with the loving part and ask in a non threatening way How should this situation be handled and if it affects both of you, agree to disagree and just allow eachother to speak and be heard. And listen to her she is listening to you. Marriage isn't the hard part it is adjusting to allowing someone elses opinion that you didn't have to inquire about before the vows.

Answer 3

I am not a married man but a married wife. I can tell you that why she married you was because of who you are, so dont change too much. She may moan about some of the stuff you do or dont do but she likes you as you are. It sounds weird but believe me its true. Woman often need men just to listen and give sympathy and not a solution. Ask her to tell you when she wants a solution or not (you should ask her this before it happens that she confides in you) My husband has the same problem, he always wants to give solutions and we came to an agreement that when I talk to him I ask him if I want a solution or not. Then he knows what he should do. Good luck, and dont change to much. Just talk to her about this and be open, but chose your timing coz you cant talk to her about this when she wants advice or sympathy. Hope this helps coz it can be confusing. The big thing is you have to be open and communicate a lot

Answer 4

I know you wanted answers from males, but I couldn't help but to respond. I've been married for 1 and 3/4 year, and up until recently, I thought my husband was overly positive. Now I realize that he brings a good balance. Your wife will realize that you bring harmony to your relationship as well in due time. Your wife is probably trying to say that she wants you to take things more seriously. No one hates positivity, but she wants you to show more emotion about things important to her. Try it and see how it works. You are not "giving in" if you do this. I've learned that marraige works best when it's not tit for tat, but when both give 100%. Don't give up on her as a friend. Marraiges minus frienships equals a business/sex relationship - which is not enought to hold it together in those tough times. Best wishes.

Answer 5

I think you are asking for trouble if you try to keep a barrier between personal and married lives. Women like for you to listen and if they want your opinion they will ask. But they need you to listen. I'm not married yet, but I guess I am comfortable about the "new age" guy thing. I help my gf out in the kitchen, I cook sometimes she cooks sometimes. We both work in the yard, etc. It's give and take but we both try to give more than we take and so far it's worked out great.

Answer 6

OK I am not a married guy but can I just give you the wifes side.. Be yourself that's who she fell in love with, don't try and be someone you're not. Please don't put up the barrier. If my partner did that to me I would go off and find someone who would include me in his life and be a freind and a soul mate. No way could I be just the wife. It makes a woman feel like a housekeeper, and taken for granted and when that happens you've lost it.

Answer 7

Well sorry, I'm not a guy but from a woman's point of view....your wife wants you to listen not fix.

When you come home from work crabbing about your boss (come on, we all do it sometimes) you don't expect her to fix it right? Just listen to you crab and make the right sympathetic noises....oh really? what a jerk? what'd you do then? good for you!

Women want the same thing. We just want to vent sometimes and know that you're on our side. If she wants ADVICE she'll say...here's what happened and I'm not sure what to do, what do you think? Then you give the opinion. In the mean time just be supportive. I know it's hard because it's instinctive for you guys to want to protect us but give it a try.

Good luck.

Answer 8

Maybe you were trying to be like a best girlfriend and not a husband. Pull back a little. I know, men just don't understand women. We have the same problem with men though.

Answer 9

I sent my husband a plant (not flowers) but I must admit I sent them to try to give him the hint that I wanted him to send me flowers. Didn't work though, he still in 22 years has never sent me flowers to my workplace. I watch the other women get them for the anniversaries, Valentines day, etc. and I secretly hope as the delivery guy is walking down the hall that they will turn to my cubicle but they never do. So I would say if your wife is sending you flowers it's because she is trying to give you a hint that she would like you to do that for her. Because seriously is you have to ask someone to send them it takes out all of the joy of getting them.

Answer 10

Been married for 4 years as of July 04 2007. Having a personal (private lifestyle) aside of marriage will not be a success. Your openness and honesty will always triumph. I have made a grave mistake in this area. As of now I still am uncertain of the outcome of my marriage. I HOPE that my wife and I can work out our differences, however only time will tell. It's been 2 months since I told her I was sexually abused as a little boy. I am a stepdad. Her reponse, "had I of known this before being married I would have never married you" OUCH! Part of me completely overlooked my past knowning that it was not my fault during the dating phase with my spouse. I have also been busted for looking at porn and lying about it because of my past shame. Everyone has to go through some sort of problems, even in the happiest of marriages. What sets you apart from others is how you chose to handle or react to the what has happened. Take it from me, a personal/private lifestyle is not the way to go. You lose your role as the leader in the family. I now am seperated from my wife and stepdaughter going on 2 weeks and it's killing me inside for not having chosen to live a more open and honest life. I have been honest with everything else in my life with everyone else except this and now I face the downfall of a wonderful marriage. It's not porn that hurts my wifes' feelings it's the fact that I lied to her about it. She, over time is viewing me as less of a man. Don't go down this road because it will permanently mess you up inside. It will make you feel hurts and pain you never felt before. It breaks down your soul and spirit. Depression sets in and breathing gets hard do. Your life goes from being goal oriented for years to coming to trying to breath for the next 30 seconds. I wished that I would have dealt with my past baggage before being married. I've always viewed my wife as being more of a wife than me being more of a husband. It's sad that I view this outcome as the cause of maintaining a private lifestyle while being married. I've come to the conclusion that I just don't want it anymore! I don't know if my wife will remain my wife or not but I can sure as hell assure you that I will no longer feel victim to my past childhood chains. One of my greatest recommendations is to be proactive about your marriage. Find a great family / marriage counselor and continually work on your marriage even during the happiest of times. I wish I could have been more proactive instead of reactive. I personally have been going to counseling for 8 weeks at least once a week to rebuild myself. This is a big step for a man however, my marriage is worth everything in the world. I hope this helps and does not add confusion to who you are and the path that you are on. Best of Luck - Gods Speed.