Seriously, what is wrong with men?

Question

Every single male I know is not worth the time of day.

My father left us when I was 3.
My step dad was an alcoholic, gambling addict and left our family and stole all our money.
My brother is the rudest person I know. He has no manners, he expects everyone to drop everything for him.
I was raped when I was 15 by someone I thought I could trust.
I was sexually abused by a family friend.
My Grandfather is rude and so grumpy all the time.
The boys at my school only talk about their penises.
And now, the only descent male I thought was left in my life has just thrown it all back in my face. I needed someone to talk to and he told me to go away.

Are there actually any males out there that aren't complete jerks? Because I'm having serious trouble finding one.

Thank you BlueStar. I agree, those males just proved my point exactly.

Answer 1

Men in general are not bad but you do seem to have run the gamut of some of the worse ones.
There are good and bad people in the world, and it takes time and pain to find them. However, speaking from personal experience, what has happened to you should not limit you.

I had some experiences similar to yours and I went through a period of being an extreme misandrist. I hated men, all men, no matter what they looked like, what they acted like, or how they treated me. It took a situation where the only person who would help me was a man to make me realize that you cant judge people based on one characteristic that they happen to share with the people who have wronged you.

There are a lot of f*ckers in this world, and some of them are men, but some of them are women. the trick is to not let the f*ckers make you miss out on the rest of the people in the world who are decent and good.

I hope you get through this, and come out on the other side stronger for it.

and to "brutal honesty": F*CK you. a woman is not goods, and you have no right to tell this girl that.

MikeT and Guns_Fan: Victim blaming? who exactly do you think you are? Would you blame a guy that gets beat up by a girl? if not then why do you think you can blame a girl for getting raped? you are nothing but a couple of immature children who do nothing but prove her point.

Answer 2

When it comes to your father and step-father, it sounds as if your mother (no disrespect intended at all) attracts the wrong kind of man. Since mothers are such a big part of their children's world, the undesirable men she brought into her life are also part of her children's life. If the family friend was yet one example of your mother's being a poor judge of character, that would explain why you were victimized by that person.

Your brother may just be a typical teenage boy, so factor him out of this conversation for now.

Because your mother is however she is, and because of your own experiences, there's a chance that you will find yourself among other men who aren't the best as well. That could partly be the reason you thought you could trust the wrong person.

Your grandfather could just be rude and grumpy because he's old, stressed, or even sick; or else he may have personality problems (and be partly responsible for the reason your mother seems to get involved with questionable men).

The boys at your school are just being boys. They'll grow up and learn to at least not talk like that in mixed company.

If that "only decent male" isn't the right person for you you're actually better off to have ended it.

There are decent guys in the world, but I think you need to be careful to realize that your experiences may have made you prone to not knowing what you need to look for or where you need to look.

What would probably be really helpful for you is to find some counselor who could help you sort through all your experiences and help you see the ways they could affect who you choose to trust or go out with.

I'm not in any way saying you have anything wrong with you. To the contrary - you're a survivor. Still, the reality is that the kind of experiences you've had can color the way you look for men, interpret who's good and who isn't, and generally relate to them. Talking with a professional (or a group) who would give you heads up about the kind of people you may gravitate toward could help you break past your experiences and find someone who is decent.

Your father, grandfather, and the boys as school may be jerks, but those other people you mentioned are criminals - not just jerks. Between having the alcoholic/gambling addicted step-father and being the victim of any number of crimes, you have been through a lot.

Before you get any older or involved with anyone else, why not see someone who may be able to offer you some insight.

Answer 3

Well, stick around here long enough and it won't be that long before you hear a fair few men express their anger and talk about how they feel the same way about women.
Many men have been burned and are unwilling to have anything really to do with women anymore and they've lost all respect for us. Just an observation.
I'm not excusing men's bad behaviour but rather giving some insight that they feel the same about us too and quite often the men who act like jerks, when you dig a little deeper, you'd find out that some of them can be pretty decent and nice people.
Give people a chance and don't automatically expect the worst, but at the same time, be assertive and nice and if there is someone who acts like an idiot, then you shouldn't have to put up with it. But not all men are jerks, ok? :)

Answer 4

Some men are awful, but so are some women. Some of us have the misfortune to miss out on a healthy childhood and young adulthood, because of a few destructive people who are around us, through no fault of our own. But remember, you can choose your friends, so choose carefully. You know what you don't want, right? Hopefully some day soon, if you need to, you can choose new people to be the family you never had, but deserved.

If you can handle groups, going to al-anon is good advice, since you'll find out you're not the only one who had family members that were not there for them, or hurt them. Otherwise, please talk to a counselor at school or at your county health center, and ask them to refer you to someone that you can talk to about this. You need support. You've been through too much on your own already.

PS Don't even think about what a couple of sick people wrote as a response to you-they obviously have been hurt and never did anything to get better. Otherwise, why would anyone be so cruel to someone else in pain?

Answer 5

The problem is, and bear in mind I'm a total optimist that makes Ned Flanders look depressed, some people in this world are just no damn good. The secret is to find the ones that are, and team up.

Now the male of the species is frequently the more useless part of humanity. It's one reason I have ALWAYS had more women as friends than men. Even here I work harder to help young ladies and women my age with their problems because I just plain like them more.

Others in this discussion thread have their theories as to why guys tend to be jerkier than women, I think it's simply because they feel they can get away with it. Even the meanest, most spiteful catty teen girl knows that teamwork is better than going alone, so they have enough social skills to hunt in packs, picking off unpopular loners.

Guys figure they can go it alone if they have to, so they lash out and take advantage and disrespect in a wide circle. (And in all honesty, I did that too when I was young and stupid.)

They are out there, and I DO believe that on a long enough time line life does work out given the chance. You're a great person, and I wish I had a younger brother I could beat into shape for you myself. You'd make a wonderful sister in law for the Rogers family.

Keep up hope, when you have hope in your life, everything else falls into place.

Answer 6

Great question Wabby!

Yes, I know. Sometimes I think that men cause 80% of our problems in the U.S. Of course this might not be accurate information, but I am just guessing. One day, I hope we will all be equal;nice to each other. I also hope their will be a woman president soon... These kinds of actions show us that men are not really the best "pick" Meaning, if they do bad things like that, they shouldn't be elected president. Of course women do bad things too, but not as much as men. There was a study showing that.
Over all, I hope that in the future they will show us a little more respect. If it wasn't for us, they wouldn't be here.

Answer 7

Just like with women, there are more bad examples than good. I'm sorry that you saw such a poor representation of males. The same thing has happened to me with females, but after I became an adult. The problem is that when that's all we see, that's all that shows up at our doorstep. Try to expect to see better from men (without increasing risk to yourself) and maybe better will present itself. I've really found that going over all the details of what's wrong with the opposite sex is only for limited risk management, otherwise it's best to concentrate on good examples.

Answer 8

Oh Wabby .. I know just how you feel sometimes its like I cant even trust a guy .. The men in my family are great though and are supportive but young guys just seem obessed with things which they shouldnt be .. I really sincerly hope they are some that arent complete jerks? Im thinking overseas maybe?? I think you need a holiday to Europe where guys still know how to treat females lol!!!

Answer 9

I'm so sorry that you've had so many painful experiences with men, and that you haven't related with at least one whom could demonstrate to you that they are not all the same.
I think that most of us, men and women, at some point in our lives have had negative experiences with the opposite sex, though perhaps not as intense as what you have described has happened to you.
However, not all men are jerks, there are good ones out there. It's not easy to find someone whom one can be compatible with or completely transparent with, unconditionally and accepted as such, but I've also had my share of bad experiences with women, we are just as capable of hurting others, most men generalise us because of their negative experiences, so it isn't really any different to what women do when they generalise men.
To me, it remains an individual choice, to be a jerk or b*tch.
I wish you the best in finding a man who can prove that to you.
:-)

Answer 10

yeah, there are. my husband is definitely a good guy.

but, i have no idea how to go out and FIND a good guy. I consider myself lucky.



Have you ever heard of ACA or ACOA?
they are 2 (slightly different) self hep groups for adults whose parents were alcoholic. that sort of parent is not the greatest expert in raising a child healthily. You might learn a lot of useful things there.