For the longest time everyone in my family (including my extended family) knew what an awful man my father was (can't say whether he still is, as he's been out of the picture for years now). I spent many years defending him, right up until the end of high school when I started to come out of my 'fantasy' world so to speak. I watched my mom struggle, as a single mother of three with no help. I resented her for so long; what an absolutely horrendous and selfish thing for me to do. My heart now aches for my mom, she really is the strongest and most selfless person I have EVER met. It wasn't until I had been in my first relationship that i started bonding with my mom as a person, and not just a mother figure. We started opening up to one another after years of fighting. It felt so incredible, until I started learning of things my father did; such as, threatening to kill my mom. He beat the living daylight out of her while she was six months pregnant with the eldest child (older brother)
2007-10-29 19:48:35 · 12 answers · asked by Haunted 3 in Family & Relationships ➔ Family
Which resulted in him being born with epilepsy. I don't know what to do with this information...where to take it. I have this need to confront him though. I'm just not quite sure how to go about it. Years ago, while I was still in school, he said he had 'paperwork' from the courts that he would like me to see.
2007-10-29 19:50:32 · update #1
I just want to know if there is anything I can do FOR my mom?!
2007-10-29 20:12:40 · update #2
I never openly expressed resentment towards my mom; I was respectful for the most part. Thank you everyone for your kindness!
2007-10-29 20:22:13 · update #3
Paperwork to try and use you as bait against your mom?
Having him out of the picture made you defend him, it is understandable.
Do not feel guilty about not bonding with your mother earlier.
You are there now.
Yes, you do have to confront your father, one-to-one.
But before you do that, prepare the ground with a good lawyer, and sue him.
Then he can have all the paperwork he wants.
I know he is your father, but only in name.
Men like him have no place in civic society.
You'll have to fight him.
But first, defeat your ideas of him inside you.
Your fear of him.
You do not have to fight him by law, but if he is as bad as he sounds, for he tried to use the law even when he was in the wrong, contacting him might open the way for him to enter your life.
On the other hand, living away from him, with his existence tucked away at the back of your mind, you could never have peace until you confront him, with all your strength.
Understand his place. If he does not understand his place, then put him in his place.
Your mother is your best colleague in this strife, for she bears the most scars.
She is magnificent in that she managed to shield you from them for so long.
Now, however, maybe starting from now, you'll have to grow enough to be able to face him without flinching: without letting him have access to your mind or your body, or that of your siblings'.
Good luck, build strength, here's love from a stranger.
Go, sister!
Drop a line if you need to, but better talk to those around you, who know and love you well.
Try to find also a neutral voice, a professional one.
Learn the law that governs both your society and your home, so that you know what your rights and options are.
Be careful even when doing that, though.
Choose your helpers wisely.
2007-10-29 19:55:39 · answer #1 · answered by aetheru 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Nothing you say is going to make an abusive man change or feel true guilt. He will tell you oh I have changed, blah blah blah. But it is bs.
And the reason they didn't tell you because it wouldn't have done you any good. When a parent tells a child the truth about an absentee parent and the truth is ugly, the child never wants to believe it. Instead they act out and end up screwing up their life. It is better for them to grow up then find out. Be thankful they let you have your fantasy for a while.
And a man that wants to be around his child will move heaven and earth to do so. They will take every anger management course available, go through therapy, work 3 jobs to pay for it. They will petition the court for any type of visit, even supervised to spend time with their child. I am sorry he didn't or he would have seen you.
There isn't much you can do, except be thankful you have people in your life that love you and live your life and be a success.
2007-10-29 19:58:19 · answer #2 · answered by James Watkin 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I think it is awesome that you had the chance to realize that and start to build a relationship with your mom before it was to late. I think that you are doing the right thing now, being friends with her, talking to her about these things. I can only imagine what it must have been like for her dealing with all this and having a daughter who did not understand. I am sure in some ways she tried to protect you from all the hurt that your father was causing, but it is amazing that you two are able to talk about it now and be honest about what really did happen. I am sure that it means the world to her.
I am happy for the both of you.. God Bless and continue to work on your relationship. Thank you for sharing your story, brought a tear to my eye.
My mother and I are just forming a relationship now after 23 years, now I would do anything in the world for her. All those years wasted.. *sigh*.. at least we have right now..
Good Luck!.
2007-10-29 19:55:58 · answer #3 · answered by angelalee76 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Yup, he was a jerk. If he hasn't bothered to try to find you or pay child support, he probably still is. You might have misjudged and acted badly growing up, but you were a kid - everyone knows that your powers of reasoning weren't fully developed and your understanding of the situaton was incomplete. There's no time like the present to start making up for it. Appreciate and cultivate your new relationship with your mom, and be glad you learned the truth before it was too late.
2007-10-29 19:53:19 · answer #4 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
im sorry to hear about your story....
i guess you felt resentment for your mom then because you thought that she was the reason why your father has left your home...you thought it was her fault that's why your family wasnt complete....hey its okay...its not your fault...you didnt know your dad was that way...most kids see their parents as their hero and their idol...and we even want to be like them when we grow up...but people can have many faces...maybe to you, your dad was real nice and loving but you didnt see his ugly side, which only your mom sees...so its not your fault that you saw things differently...
be thankful that you and your mom has a new kind of relationship...be thankful that you were able to understand what she has gone through all these years to protect you and your siblings...just show her how much you love her and she will know that all her sacrifices has not gone to waste...as for your dad...i think you should just forget about him and do not seek for revenge...he is a sick man....do not stoop down to his level by doing something bad....healing will only come to you and your family if you put everything behind you...you will not be able to move on as long as you cling to your thoughts of getting even with your dad...just forget about him and move on...by this, you have made a start of building a new life with your mom and your siblings...good luck...
2007-10-29 20:06:34 · answer #5 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
They handled the situation correctly. It is never right to tell a child whow terrible their parent is, unless the parent may harm the child. It is best that the child find out on their own. If your mother had said anything about your father to you, you would probably have hated her and would not have believed it anyway.
2007-10-29 19:54:19 · answer #6 · answered by PEGGY S 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
just appreciate the relationship you know have with your mom and show her how proud you are of her and everything she has gotten through. Us girls never fully understand our mother's until we grow up and get into similar situations as they were in and finally understand why they made the choices they did.
Good Luck, spend as much quality time with your mom as you can!
You can't take back what you felt toward her but you can shape the way you feel now.
2007-10-29 19:53:46 · answer #7 · answered by TM25 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
what you felt is perfectly natural . and u dun need to be ashamed of it. U were just a teen not a grwon up.
YEs, there is alot you can do for your mother.
Observe what needs to be done to support her and then DO IT.
Cause you the best judge of the situation.
God Bless You and be with you in this noble task.(Amin)
2007-10-29 23:30:40 · answer #8 · answered by osama 1 · 1⤊ 0⤋
same story for me except i have nine brothers and sister, but five years later have a new step dad.. nice man.
I don't know how you could resent your mother like that, but you sure do owe her a lot of remorce.
Hoping for the best!
Cheers!
2007-10-29 19:53:28 · answer #9 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
That's incredibly sad. Sorry to hear that...
It's not your fault, though, so don't blame yourself. It sounds as though your mom's there for you, so talk to her about how you're feeling.
It also wouldnt hurt to talk to someone professional who would be able to help you sort out all of those feelings.
2007-10-29 19:52:38 · answer #10 · answered by catwomanmeeeeow 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋