My wife and I have decided that we are not comfortable with anyone babysitting our 4.5 mo old daughter. We are not sure when or if we will change our minds on this and it has really upset my parents. My wife used to work with sexually abused children before quitting to become a mom / housewife which I am sure has impacted our decision on this. I am afraid this will impact my relationship with my parents. Any advice?
2007-10-29 19:06:58 · 25 answers · asked by StillMarchingOn 3 in Pregnancy & Parenting ➔ Parenting
About 5 years ago my dad exposed himself to his 17 year old step daughter but has since completed his therapy. This may change your opinion about him but it is not just him that we are singling out to not babysit- it is everyone.
2007-10-29 19:26:56 · update #1
Your parents will just have to get over being upset. The little girl is YOUR child so therefore YOU set the rules. If you and your wife don't feel comfortable yet having a babysitter that's fine. What's the rush anyway? Your baby is only 4.5 mths old..you probably won't feel like leaving her with anybody for quite a while yet. As long as your parents are allowed to visit their grandchild that should be enough for now. They'll just have to respect your wishes as a new parent.
2007-10-30 00:57:14 · answer #1 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
If you can't trust anyone to look after your child then what sort of life are you or your daughter going to have. She will certainly have a very sheltered one. My kids absolutely love to spend time with their grandparents and aunts and uncles and cousins and often have sleepovers. I think its a shame that you aren't willing to trust people enough even when its your own family.
It will impact your relationships with people because they will never feel comfortable being around you because they know you don't trust them. how is that going to translate to your children?
Ever heard the saying "it takes a village to raise a child" ? Sheltering your child on the off chance that someone might do something inappropriate is silly and paranoid. Not everyone is a monster and if you take appropriate measures to ensure the responsibility of a carer then everyone should be happy. Remember that the grandparents take as much delight in your daughter as you do. Its a wonderful experience for them and something they deserve to enjoy.
There will be times when you will absolutely need a babysitter because of an engagement/function/illness/2nd child and then what happens. You call on your parents to watch her quickly but because she doesn't know anything but mum and dad she will spend the whole time anxious and upset.
Think long and hard about it. About never having a night alone with your wife to go out to dinner or a movie, never spending a weekend away, never going to a wedding, christmas work party or friends get to gether as a couple. Its a shame really that you are that paranoid.
2007-10-29 22:00:59 · answer #2 · answered by Cindy; mum to 3 monkeys! 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I've been there! My son is 14 months and there are only a handful of people I truly feel comfortable watching him (and my mom is 1 of them). Your daughter is still really young. Don't worry about people getting their feelings hurt. You made the decision that's right for your family; don't be afraid to stick by it--even when they lay the guilt trip on you! I didn't let anyone babysit my son for a long time-my parents included. Rather than coming out and saying "we don't want you to watch the baby" just find things to do that you can take the baby with you. My sister-in-law finally got the message and just tells people we usually take our son with us. It's rough at first, but they will catch on. In time, when you feel comfortable, then the baby can stay with them for awhile. Until then have them over to your house or go over to their house as a family. Good luck!
2007-10-29 19:24:02 · answer #3 · answered by pineapple_petals 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
You and your wife are the parents of this baby girl. Any decisions that you both make when it comes down to your child is your decision. You are basically making a choice that is best for your family right now. I don't have any kids, but my boyfriend has a 23month old and he's made decisions that some of his family doesn't like, but they respect it because it is his child. Hopefully this will not effect the relationship that you have with your parents. If you have a good relationship with your parents they should understand why you and your wife made this decision. Also with your wife working with kids like that, its probably put stuff into her head. Not saying say bad stuff, but stuff to make you cautious of certain behavior. I honestly feel that when I have a child the only male that she is going to be around is her dad and her grand dad. No other make will watch my child. I feel strongly about that. As parents, the choices that we make are the best for the family. Just talk to your parents and family members and continue to express your feelings as to why you made the decision and hopefully in time they will understand. Hope I've helped.
2007-10-29 19:23:52 · answer #4 · answered by Mom to a MicroPreemie 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Oh no, it's totally fine. Just explain to the family and friends that the baby is still a brand new arrival and mommy has a bond that right now cannot be seperated from. LOTS of new mommy's don't want to leave their baby's alone the first 6 months. It's totally normal! A lot of moms are even breastfeeding, and new borns are so dependent on the mothers that the mothers have an almost innate need to be at their beck and call. So natural, and normal... Don't worry.
EDITED TO ADD: no that doesn't change my opnion of his character, but it is something you need to consider. I wouldn't let him around the child at any age by himself, only with another supervised adult if you choose to at all. It's not meaning he will re offend but it is important that you put aside his feelings for the sake of your daughter. It could be a big reason why your wife is hesitant, so I woul drespect her wishes-the child always comes first.
2007-10-29 19:22:14 · answer #5 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
I think as long as you allow your daughter to see your family then it doesn't matter. Personlly I would never ever leave her alone with your dad-therapy or not. You would never be able to forgive yourself if something did happen. My husband and I have had some bad experiences with babysitters. One threatened my kids, one stole money from us, and one of my friend's baby was killed when her sitter shook her to death. Just my opinion but you shouldn't leave your child when you or your wife isn't comfortable with the situation. You may change your minds. I have learned to really make sure you know the person very well-don't rely on other's references or anything else. Your gut instinct is a good way to decide. I think the best way to not upset your friends and family is to make sure you bring the baby over. Let them hold the baby. When they ask to babysit just tell them you don't need a sitter just yet, but will keep them in mind if you do. You don't need to say you don't feel comfortable with them watching her. Trust your instincts.
2007-10-29 21:03:05 · answer #6 · answered by a_mom 4 · 2⤊ 0⤋
This is definitely your decision to make. If your relatives become too unhappy about this, let them seek therapy. However, it is very important to keep in mind that even Rapunzel got out eventually. The world is a big and scary place, as parents it is your job to guide her through right and wrong. All you can do is prepare her, equip her with the tools to deal with life and make the best decisions.
Perhaps now would be a time to reflect back to your own childhood to find the reason that you cannot trust your parents...
2007-10-29 22:03:31 · answer #7 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
Honestly, you guys are just putting your daughters best intrest at heart. If my father in law exposed himself to his step daughter, I could tell you where my daughter would NOT be staying. Even if he completed treatment or not, wouldnt happen, over my dead body and it would probably would never change as far as my father in law was concerned.
I have no problems with my family, love my parents dearly, they have never lead me to believe they would ever abuse my daughter, and I had a hard time letting my mom watch her the few times that she has. There was one time that I let someone watch my daughter when she was 4 months old so me and my husband could go out and have a date and I could not stand it. I called every 30 minutes and ended up having a horrible time and coming home early. There is nothing wrong with being choosey as to who watchs your baby! I would have probably not made it a point to say NO! You cant watch her, than just everytime someone asked if they could baby sit just say no... if your family cant respect your wishes, then that is too bad for them. YOU 2 are the parents, not them. Good luck.
2007-10-29 21:50:13 · answer #8 · answered by Mommy to 1+triplets 6 · 2⤊ 0⤋
I can understand why they would be upset, however I think that your family need to respect your wishes. When you guys are ready then and only then should you let anyone (including friends and family) to watch your child. You should have another talk with your friends and family. Don't feel like you need to come up with a lot of excuses for them. Just tell them that although you know they love your daughter and want to be a part of her life right now you are just not comfortable with leaving her with anyone else. Tell them that it is not your intention to hurt their feelings but this is how it is going to be and you hope they can understand and respect your feelings. I hope this answer helps. Good Luck and God Bless!
2007-10-29 19:19:04 · answer #9 · answered by KatyCat 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
While it is your choice, I think you need to evaluate why you won't let anyone watch your baby. As a married couple, you owe it to each other to get out together alone. You also want to raise a healthy, independent baby. This won't happen if she is never given the opportunity to experience things without you or mom around. Trust me, kindergarten will be a nightmare...Plus, she may learn not to trust people from you two. Unless your parents have a history of abuse, there is no reason not to trust them.
2007-10-29 19:17:35 · answer #10 · answered by pureevilpopstar 3 · 4⤊ 0⤋