My cousins thinks that because she is over 18 she doesn't have to obey her dad. How can I convince her to?

Question

She thinks because she lives alone and is 20 years old she doesn't have to obey her dad but I know the Bible puts the father in charge of his daughter until she gets married. However, trying to tell her that is like talking to a brick wall!! GRRR!!! I am so frustrated and need the Bible verses to show her but I can't remember where they are.

Answer 1

Assuming this is legitimate and not a prank question...

My 3 year old doesn't always obey me, and sometimes the child is right - that's what dialog is for.

According to the biblical tradition it is said that the children are the parent's until they marry, but marrying/adult age for the Jews was/is 13 for males and 12 for females -this was the age of maturity, when the child took responsibility for their own adult life, though the parents still guided. This was relatively common in Christendom until about 100-200 years ago too, depending on the region. (The youngest human couple on record to ever have a child together was 8 and 9 in China in the 1930s BTW, Obviously nature has different standards of maturity than society)

It also states that "Man is the head of the body" which has a couple different meanings, 1, is in the home the head thinks and talks, motivates the body toward certain actions, but the body itself has all the form and function to get things done... 2 is Man is the perfect Man in the sense that "Christ is the head of the body of believers/church."

In modern times, as women have been further allowed in education systems and rule of law, the union likened to one body now falls under more "Man is the left brain and woman the right." The left hemisphere controls math/logic, and the right [usually physically stronger] side of the body; the right hemisphere controls emotional reasoning etc. and the left side of the body, which is associated with multitasking - which women have been proven to be generally better at - particularly useful if your hands are full of children, talking to one, while listening to two others at once, all while cooking, and cleaning, as many mothers do.

Now in the Baha'i Faith "...among the teachings of His Holiness Bahá'u'lláh is the equality of women and men. The world of humanity has two wings -- one is women and the other men. Not until both wings are equally developed can the bird fly. Should one wing remain weak, flight is impossible. Not until the world of women becomes equal to the world of men in the acquisition of virtues and perfections, can success and prosperity be attained as they ought to be. (Abdu'l-Baha-Servant of Glory)". Honoring parents is the same, but the interpretation is vastly different than what a male dominated society has called for.

For example: "Abdu'l-Bahá, in His Tablets, not only calls attention to the responsibility of parents to educate all their children, but He also clearly specifies that the "training and culture of daughters is more necessary than that of sons", for girls will one day be mothers, and mothers are the first educators of the new generation. If it is not possible, therefore, for a family
to educate all the children, preference is to be accorded to daughters since, through educated mothers, the benefits of knowledge can be most effectively and rapidly diffused throughout society."

(Baha'u'llah, The Kitab-i-Aqdas, p. 199)- Baha'u'llah is the return of Christ

As the Bible says "Raise your child in the way it should go and it shall not leave the right path." thus if the child does not honor the parent when they are an adult, the parent is responsible as much as the child, who has no excuse to not thank their parents for what they like about themselves that they have inherited. If the child does not honor the parent, while still a child, it is the parents responsibility to have sound and effective remedies for that, of which loving kindness, and wisdom are best.

A rod traditionally signifies authority, "...spare the rod and spoil the child..." meaning the parents should be in charge of the child, not the child in charge of the parents. Solomon was NOT advocating beating children whenever the parent was angry. In Psychology, loose terms calls parents who allow the child to rule the parents: "helicopter" moms and dads, because they take the child wherever they want to go, give the child whatever they want, and don't put any responsibility on the child, because they don't want the child to experience difficulty. This tends to make children selfish demanding tyrants, who are incapable of fixing their own problems... That's what Solomon was referring to spoiling the child.

All of the Prophets and Messengers have advocated letting the children choose their own choices if they don't heed their parents, even if they're wrong, as long as its not criminally so. In this way children know for themselves, and develop into mature responsible people. Read the story of the prodigal son in the Gospel - thus did Jesus instruct, that more joy comes from the reunion of a child coming home, than a home that's always been free from personal trials. More joy from finding one lost sheep than 99 who've never been lost.

What this means is God wants people to learn for themselves. "I cause all to err so that i might have mercy on all." -OT Our greatest happiness comes from overcoming ourselves, not for someone else to do it for us entirely, but merely to be welcomed home when all is found well in our own hearts. Only then can we be wise and appreciate our parents, and understand them. All else is folly.

God bless.

Answer 2

She may not have to obey him legally speaking, but if we're talking in a religious context here (and I presume we are, given the category), then she has an obligation to "honor" her father. As an adult, she is not obligated to obey her father; she IS an adult.

I would very much like to see a citation of chapter and verse where the father is "in charge" of his daughter until she gets married, however. That sounds to me a lot like something Muslims and Mormons believe, but I don't recall EVER hearing that in other churches, or in a synagogue.

Answer 3

The law is on your cousin's side. There are many people who do not choose to obey their parents after age 18. It would be better if they could at least listen to their parents, benefit from their wisdom, and add it to their own experience. However, there's no "have to" in a free society. She may choose to obey her parents, but if you insist on telling her that she's "got to," then you're essentially telling her she has to obey YOU.

Your concern is coming across to me as a need to be right, not a hope for your cousin's best interest. You may want to examine your own motives and your estimation of the way you are living your own life. You can at least have some control over that. Your cousin has control over her own life, too, and you would be well advised to let her make the choices that she alone will have to live with.

^v^ ^v^ ^v^ ^v^ ^v^ ^v^ ^v^ ^v^

Answer 4

By law she doesn't have to obey her father. Sorry, but your argument has no merit. She doesn't live under his roof, she isn't obligated at all to "obey". This is 2007, you can't burn her at the stake or anything for not following the bible. Perhaps she feels talking to you is like talking to a brick wall.

Answer 5

Wow, are you old fashioned. This is the 21st century. She no longer lives under his roof, he no longer has her under his control. He could offer up his advice, but ultimatly it is her choice whether to follow his advice. If I were you, I would leave her alone and let her live her own life. Do you still obey your father, no questions asked?

Answer 6

I'm sorry but I as a parent don't agree with you!! I have three daughter's and one of them is developmentally disabled and is 32 on her own and has a job. Yes I would hope that K would listen to me if it was in her best interest but she has to make her own decisions so that she can live on her own. IF I make all of her decisions for her or for my middle daughter who's 28 and also on her own (not developmentally delayed) than how would they ever learn how to make them for them selves and if I died who would take over??? Adults have to make their own decisions and to live their lives as they see fit and as long as they are good citizens who don't' hurt others pay their taxes and obey the laws you can't tell them what to do!! Did you ever think that maybe She's doing what she thinks God wants her to do?? God can tell her something that's different from what her father wants for her. IF you believe in God than you have to believe that He has the ultimate voice and she may be listening to that voice, maybe YOU just don't hear it.

Answer 7

I dont think you should be forcing or pressuring her to do anything except guiding her. I am 21 and my parents still tell me what to do and i resent them because of it and I am constantly fighting with my mum!!! i wouldn't do this as you will push her away. She is an adult except it!!! and not everyone follows the bible word for word.

Answer 8

Oh, please. What century are you living in.

If she is an adult, living on her own, supporting herself, she doesn't have to listen to anyone.

The bible also approves of arranged marriages and old men marry pubescent girls....do you think that should be obeyed to? Or stoning adulters to death? Cutting the hands off a thief?

Come on in to the 21st Century. This is where the grown ups live.

Answer 9

You're never going to convince her by bible bashing. And in the eyes of the law, she doesn't have to listen to a word he says.
I'm sorry to say, but it's not really your business whether she listens to her Dad or not.

Answer 10

Is it you that needs your cousin to "obey", or is it her father?

Obviously, her father isn't too concerned about it, because he is not forcing her to continue to live under his roof.

Perhaps you need to let go of controlling your cousin? Her father already has.