How to tactfully ask my birthmother to stop intruding on my life?

Question

I'm an adult adoptee (34 yrs old), and I have been in contact with my birthmother since I was 22. I've known all my life about the details of my adoption, and of my birthparents, and regular contact/info swapping was facillitated by my parents.
Recently however, my birthmother has started to intrude big time on my life, she is beginning to insist on me calling her "Mom", which I've never really wanted to do, but also insisting that I stop calling my parents Mom and Dad.
We have six children altogether (1 adopted, 2 fostered), and she is only willing to spend time with our 3 bio kids.
There are other issues also, but you get the picture. I'm happy for her to be in my life, always have been, so please no answers about unresolved adoptee issues!
What can I do/say to her?

Answer 1

Sit your biological mom down and tell her...Look I am glad you are in my life but I would prefer to call you by your name and I will continue to call my adoptive parents Mom and Dad.
I am not trying to hurt your feelings but at the same time you have to consider my feelings too, and my adopted parents feelings .
I have six children not just three...and if you can't find it in your heart to spend time with all of them then I am going to have to ask that you not see any of them...They have feelings too and when you only pay attention to 3 the others are hurt
You have got to lay down some rules Yes she is your bio. mother but thats it..Your adopted parents have been there for you and she just can't come on the scene making demands.
Hope this has helped ...Good Luck

Answer 2

My mom was adopted when she was 7 and her biological mother tried to find the children that were taken from her, but never succeeded. My mom sought her out when I was 14, for medical purposes, my brother and I needed the info. So, my biological grandmother demanded more contact in exchange for medical info, we went every weekend for several months, she never gave any info for us, but demanded my mother call her "Mom" and told her she should thank her adoptive parents for taking care of her, but that since she was there, my Mom didn't need them anymore. Whoa, how horrible. Needless to say, that was 21 years ago. The last time I saw that woman, she had hit my mother for not (at 35 years of age) doing as she was told.
Look, your bio wants to be your mom, but she isn't, your Mom is. If she only wants to see your bio kids, then she is wrong.
Some times, you just have to put your foot down. She doesn't want to lose you again, but if you set the ground rules, she won't have to. Right now, sounds like she may be heading down that path. GOOD LUCK!

Answer 3

You've likely tried being evasive. Now all you can do is say No to certain intrusive requests. You have a Mom and Dad, after all. Call her by whatever name you choose, not the one she is asking for: Mom.

She is trying to make up for lost time, at the expense of your adopted and fostered children. Not fair at all. Especially considering that you yourself were adopted.

You want her still in your life, which is admirable, but less of her. Just sticking to the ways with which you are comfortable is really all you can do.

I sincerely hope you are able to work this out. Only you can decide what and who you want in your busy life.

Good luck!

Answer 4

I'm so honored that you are back in my life today but I've spent the majority of my life calling my adoptive parents mom and dad and I will address them as such til the day I die. I honestly don't feel comfortable calling you Mom because even though you are my biological mother, you had no hand in raising me, my adoptive mother raised me and was there for all my ups and downs throughout the years. Sorry if this upsets you, that's not my intention but I just want to be up front and honest about this.

Answer 5

Your birth mom has really put you in a bad position. You need to tel her that although you have been in contact with her for however many years, that your parents are the people who loved you and raised you. Tell her that you are very uncomfortable calling her Mom, because in your heart, your Mom is your adoptive Mom............and I really commend you for that. Tell her that if she won't back off, then you will have to, just for some peace of mind. If she gets upset, let her get upset...it won't hurt her. She's being very selfish, and not thinking of you , but herself.
I'm assuming that the six kids you mention are yours and your husbands. Right now, you tell her that if she is not going to treat all the kids the same, then you will need to halt her time with them. Those kids are very lucky to have you, and it's people like your bio Mom who give them problems to work out. Don't let her do that to those kids if you love them. Those kids all depend on you........................don't let them down by forcing them into a situation where some of them are made to feel that they're not as good as the others. Tell bio Mom to shape up or ship out.....it's her choice.
She has absolutely NO right to insist that you call her Mom and stop calling your adoptive parents Mom and Dad. As an adoptee, she is lucky that you call her anything at all!!

Answer 6

Just keep it real. You said it perfectly already. Look I'm glad you're in my life, but, It is my life. I prefer to call you what I've always called you. And, try to realize my mom and dad are just that and they have been for 34 years.Also, when she's at your house...visit with all of my children or you and I can visit somewhere else. Let her know you love all your children and don't want any of them to feel like one is loved more than another, so that is why you are suggesting you see each other somewhere other than your home, until she can treat and love all your children the same, just as you do.

Answer 7

I would sit with her and have a heart to heart. I can understand her wanting you to call her mom, but not to spend time with "non-bio" children is just beyond me! I believe that is a little selfish!

Answer 8

You need to be open and honest with her. Let her know that you have been calling your adopters Mom and Dad all of your life and that it isn't going to stop because she wants it to. As far as her only spending time with your bio kids...I think that has something to do with her issues. Maybe she still feels like she abandoned you and when she is around your other 3 kids those feelings of inadequacy come flowing back?! It's hard to pinpoint exactly what she feels and she can't read your mind...so you should definitely have a sit down with her! I wish you all of the luck in the world!

Answer 9

The truth will set you free, try telling her what you feel after asking her if she really wants to hear it. If she volunteers to hear it, tell her that you appreciate her taking interest and you want/do not want to work with her.
The kids - let her know how wonderful you were treated and that you know she will treat ALL your children the same way (yesterday is over, only today and our future we can work on) and let them know she loves and cares for them.

Answer 10

You have to be straight forward with her, her not wanting anything to do with your adopted child and foster children is completely unacceptable behavior in my opinion. I don’t know how old they are but they will eventually start to see that ‘birthgrandma’ treats their 3 siblings better then them. Just because they aren’t biological related to her. I’d tell her you spend time with all 6 children or you don’t spend time with any of them.

As far as you calling her mom and ceasing to call the people who have raised you mom and dad. Very selfish on her part she may have carried you for 9months and birthed you but that’s where it ended. Tell her you are not comfortable calling her mom that is reserved for the woman who has raised you. If there are other issues your bio mother may need help but it is not your responsibility to fix her issues for her. You must think of yourself and your children first.