Adoptive Parents would you support your adoptee's search for their birth family?

Question

Whether this takes the form of an actual physical search or a search for answers to the many questions adoptees often hold inside themselves for fear of upsetting their parents

Answer 1

Um Amers I have to ask you why in the world would you think a child would not have a special bond with the woman who gave birth to them? My daughter is more like me than she will ever be or ever was like her adoptive mother. Adopted children attach to their families, they do not bond with them. Children bond with their mothers in utero. DO some reasearch and you will see.

As for adoptive parents being supportive of search, they should be. If they are not what they do is damage their children even more than they already have been damaged. Not every reunion is good, and alot of time it is due to the adoptive family not being supportive and the "child" adult mind you not really a child, has conflicting loyalties. This leads to all sorts of complications for the adult adoptee. I personally feel that adoptive parents should support and help their adult children search for their family of origin. Once they are found, my best advice is to stay out of the way of the relationship (s) that develop. Often times I have seen adoptive parents struggle to control the reunion of their adult adoptee. This IMO is wrong, and in doing so you make the relationship with your "child" harder than it has to be, when if you would just stand aside and let things happen as they may, you would find your relationships stronger and better than ever.. The very best thing you can do is love your child and support them without judging or interferring.

Answer 2

I think adoptive parents should support a search to a limitted extent, and at the right ages. However, alot of biological parents are NOT good parents (hence the reason the children are up for adoption to begin with) and that needs to be taken into consideration.

On the other hand, hiding information from a child is dangerous. Often times children want to find their biological parents under the false believe that "the grass is greener" - and sometimes it is in a way. It's the same problem that alot of parents have after a divorce... whichever parent is the "weekend parent" gets to be the softee and spoil the kids. However, in the long run time will tell, and the kids will know who loves them. If it turns out the biological parents love them too, then isn't it all to the good? Your child will never forget who raised them.

On a side note - my son has a sister that I raised for over a year as my step-daughter. It was a very formative year of her life, and she still calls me mom.. even though she's had to go live with her grandparents for three years now.

Answer 3

My oldest son (9) is in contact with his biological mother. When he got to the age of understanding, and began to ask questions, we answered them and facilitated his having contact with her.

We would for my other 2 sons, if they wanted to and, if the biological mothers allowed it.

I'd like to clarify some points that have been misstated.

Amers is right in thinking that there is a strong bond (not just a raltionship) with the adoptive parents (barring those parents being real logs). This does not, necessarily, change when an adopted child tracks down their biological parents.

While there is an obvious bond between a child and there biological mother, this does, necessarily carry on into their adult life.

Adopted children do have 4 parents. However, in some cases, just as in any family, the parents are not always ideal. Therefore the bio-dad is sometimes never involved. Even the biological mother doesn't always want the rosey ending that an adopted child wants.

Answer 4

Well, we have an open adoption and continuing contact with our daughter's birth mother, so she won't have to "search" to find them. We will definitely be supportive of her asking questions and wanting more info about her birth family. That is part of who she is and we want her to be proud of that. Adopted children deserve to know where they came from and the details surrounding their adoption. Withholding info or discouraging them would be unhealthy. I think the adoptive parents who don't support their child's search are probably afraid that the relationship with their child will change once they find their birth family. Or maybe they are afraid of what the child will find and how that will effect the child.

Answer 5

my a-parents were ok with the idea..I'm 32 and didnt tell them I was looking until she was found. My dad is pretty content with the idea. My mom , however, says she's fine with it but in reality ...not so much. She doesnt want me to talk about it( she hasnt said those exact words but the signs are hard to miss) I think it's an insecurity issue. when I first told her I found my b-mom , her main concern was that she(a-mom) might be replaced. Hello...I'm grown, not too much raising left to do with me. My b-mom and I have a good relationship growing but I feel like I have to keep it a secret from a-mom. By the way...I call my B-mom "Mom" because that is what she is. My a-mom will always be my mama though. It's hard being sooo excited about something and not be able to share it with her.

Answer 6

I am completely in favor of my children finding their birth parents and having any relationship that works for them. I think they have a right to know all they can about their biological parents and I understand their curiosity. I also think there is a lot of pain and fear involved. My son is nearly 12 years old and he wanted to get in touch with his birth mother very badly. Now that the opportunity is here, he has completely lost interest. I think he's afraid of losing the fantasy of what he thinks she's like and also afraid of her rejecting him -- even though we are in touch enough to know that won't happen. I would love to meet her myself but, I am letting him do the leading.

Answer 7

Absolutely!!
In fact, I did a search for my son's birth mother already. I intend on sharing the information with him as he gets older and asks the questions. I did the search myself out of fear of not being able to locate her or her not being alive if/when he chose to search for her himself. He was aged 3 when I searched and to wait 15 years or more is taking a big risk at being able to find her or any information that he may want.

Answer 8

actually..they have that right because out of the two sets of parents and everyone else involved they didnt get asked what they wanted...some just need to know who they are where they came from..that was me..i found those answers after almost twenty years of looking...but it calmed something down inside me..my adopted parents didnt want me to know wouldnt help me..and maybe had they i wouldnt have had the grandiose ideas about my mother..because nothing was sadder than the day i realized she gave my four siblings and i up so she could party and do whatever..i thought she loved me and couldnt take care of me and the state took us for that reason..nothing could have been further from the truth..but for almost 30 years i thought she was everything..and alot of my unhappy childhood comes from that..they kept me from her they wouldnt let her see us..that poor woman died in 74 they knew that they just didnt tell me till the day i left the house at 17..so i think its a smart idea to be open and honest..because hiding and telling half truths lead to hurt..and in the end you may lose that adopted child you love so much because i havent spoken to my adopted dad in almost ten years and my adopted mother three times in the same amount of time..our relationship is already damaged but you have time to salvage yours

Answer 9

i think adoptive parents should be supportive if their child would like to search for answers or even look for their real parents.

my mother was adopted and her parents didnt talk about the issue at all.. she did want for a time to find out more... but decided that it wasnt worth her hassle... it leaves alot of open ended questions as far as health risks she might carry and that i might have as i get older..

Answer 10

Yes, we are very hopeful that our children will be able to meet their first-mothers one day. Our children were adopted internationally, so it is more difficult, but is possible. Luckily the agency we went through is VERY helpful in assisting adoptees in searching for their biological families, and at the very least they will be able to access their files in Korea, and learn all of the information that they have there.
Our children are very young now, but we regularly send updates and photos to the agency in Korea in hopes that their firstmothers will someday go and check their file. We are also very open to contact with them when the boys are still young if they want to contact us. We will let our children know that if and when they want to search we are completely behind them, and don't want them to have to be the ones to bring the subject up first.