Here's mine:
You know, Episcopalians will do *anything* for the Lord ... as long as it's not tacky.
2007-10-29 10:45:03 · 40 answers · asked by KL 6 in Society & Culture ➔ Religion & Spirituality
Not my favorite but whichever that one is, its already been posted.
so here goes another...
Sign on the front window of the storefront of St. Mary the Virgin Episcopal Mission in the mountains of East Tennessee (and that part is true, I attend or celebrate there whenever I visit my sister, and it IS a storefront Episcopal Church but the following is well....)
"WE HANDLE ONLY THE FINEST, IMPORTED SNAKES"
2007-10-30 08:38:14 · answer #1 · answered by fr.peter 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
The pope was in the back of a limosine on his way to a big meeting. Becoming a bit bored, he asked the driver if it was possible to let him drive a bit. "of course" said the driver, who was eager to take a break, and after all, how can you say no to the Pope?
Excited to be behind the wheel for the first time in a long time, the pope begins to speed a bit. in fact, he whizzes right by a squad car.
"Those limo drivers, they think they're so special" thinks the police officer, as he flips on his lights. "yeah", says his partner, " let's see who's in there"
The pope pulls over, and the policeman steps out of his car. He walks up to the window, looks in, and walks right back to his car. His partner asks, What's going on? Why didn't you write a ticket.
Too important. Let's go.
"Too Important! He can't be that important. Who's in there?
The policeman answers, "I don't know, but the pope's driving for him.
Q. Who was the greatest financier in the Bible?
A. Noah- He singlehandedly floated the entire world's stock for forty days.
Q. WHo was the greatest female investor in the Bible?
A. Pharoh's daughter- Even with rushes on the bank, she went to the bank of the nile and withdrew a prophet.
Q. Why did Jesus never fly?
A. He said Low, I am with you always.
Q. What was Jeremiah's horse named?
A. ISMEE-- Whoa, Ismee!
2007-10-29 20:40:56 · answer #2 · answered by Adan 2 · 2⤊ 0⤋
A pastor, doctor, and a lawyer went hunting. All of a sudden, a 14-point buck ran by, and all 3 pulled the trigger at once. The buck fell down, dead. However, there was some disagreement as to whose bullet had killed it. They discussed for some time, until a park ranger came up and asked what the big deal was. They explained, and the ranger said he would figure it out. He came back and said, "Well, there's good news for one of you -- only one bullet hit it, so the pastor gets all the credit."
Now as they had not mentioned their occupations to the ranger, they were understandably astonished. "How did you know it was my bullet, sir?" inquired the pastor. "And more importantly, how did you know a pastor killed it?"
"Simple," answered the ranger. "The bullet went in one ear and out the other."
2007-10-29 14:38:48 · answer #3 · answered by herfinator 6 · 2⤊ 0⤋
A young couple wanted to join the church, the pastor told them, 'We have a
Special requirement for new member couples. You must abstain from sex for
one whole month.'
The couple agreed, but after two-and-a-half weeks returned to the Church.
When the Pastor ushered them into his office, the wife was crying and the
husband was obviously very depressed. 'You are back so soon... Is there a
problem?' the pastor inquired.
'We are terribly ashamed to admit that we did not manage to abstain from
Sex for the required month.' the young man replied sadly.
The pastor asked him what happened.
'Well, the first week was difficult... However, we managed to abstain
through sheer willpower.' 'The second week was terrible, but with the use
of prayer, we managed to abstain.' 'However, the third week was
unbearable. We tried cold showers, prayer, reading from the Bible...
anything to keep our minds off carnal thoughts.'
One afternoon my wife reached for a can of paint and dropped it. When she
bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and I just had my way
with her right then and there. It was lustful, loud, passionate sex. It
lasted for over an hour and when we were done we were both drenched in
sweat.' admitted the man, shamefacedly.
The pastor lowered his head and said sternly, 'You understand this means
you will not be welcome in our church.'
'We know.' said the young man, hanging his head, 'We're not welcome at Home
Depot anymore either .'
2007-10-30 02:46:40 · answer #4 · answered by unknown 4 · 3⤊ 0⤋
Good Sermon
A man finally goes with his wife to church, after promising her for weeks that he'd go. Surprisingly, the man was so impressed with the preacher's sermon he stopped on the way out to shake his hand.
"Preacher, I'll tell you, that was a DAMN fine sermon."
The preacher says, "Why thank you sir, but we don't used profanity in the house of the Lord."
The man says, "But preacher, seriously, I'm not a religious man, but that was the best DAMNED sermon I ever heard."
The preacher says again, "Sir, while I appreciate what you're trying to say, I must be blunt: DO NOT use curse words in the Lord's house again."
The man says, "Well, anyway, I was so impressed with your sermon that I placed $5000 dollars in the collection plate".
"No ****?" says the Preacher.
2007-10-29 12:38:17 · answer #5 · answered by Anonymous · 4⤊ 0⤋
Eascher, I think your punchline is actually meant to be "super-calloused fragile mystic *hexed by* hallitosis."
My favourite jokes will probably best be understood by other Mormons:
Why do Mormon women stop having babies at thirty-five?
Because thirty-six is just too many.
A man dies and Peter is showing him round Heaven. (Insert joke about "behind that wall is the Evangelicals, they think they're the only ones here") They visit various places and it's all very nice, and then they come to a very steep cliff. The man moves closer to peer over the edge but St. Peter stops him.
"Don't look over there!" he says. "It'll give you nightmares! That's hell. It's a horrible, barren, godforsaken place. Stay away from the edge."
Despite Peter's warnings, however, the man just has to look. And below the cliff he sees a delightful scene of fields and meadows, little cottages with picket fences and hordes of children playing happily outside, Animals grazing in the fields and people smiling and laughing together.
"I tihnk you must be mistaken!" he tells St. Peter. Peter comes closer and looks over the edge.
"Darn it!" he says. "Those Mormons are irrigating again."
2007-10-29 11:08:42 · answer #6 · answered by sunnyannie 5 · 1⤊ 1⤋
St. Peter was taking a new soul through the pearly gates, upon entering there was a long hall with doors. Above each door was a sign that pronounced the religion of the people inside. Buddhist, Catholic, Muslim etc.... When they passed by the door with Baptist at the top St. Peter put his finger to his lips and said "shhhhhh, they think they are the only ones here.
2007-10-29 10:57:53 · answer #7 · answered by Cheneysmiles 2 · 3⤊ 1⤋
A baptist preacher, a catholic priest, and a Mormon prophet all became friends and decided to go fishing together one day. They all got in a boat, found a good spot on the lake, and started catching fish. After a while they had run out of bait. So the baptist said, "No problem, I'll go get more." He stood up in the boat and prayed:
"Dear Jesus, please help me to walk across the water so that I can go and get some bait for my friends and bring it back."
He then stepped out of the boat, walked across the water to the tackle shop, purchased some bait, and walked back to the boat. The catholic just grabbed some bait, and said, "Thanks, Bob." The Mormon, on the other hand was so stunned that he could not speak.
Well, after a while they ran out of sandwiches. Tom, the catholic priest, said, "No problem. I'll just go get some more." Mark (the Mormon) still hadn't said a word. Sure enough, Tom stood up in the boat and prayed:
"Dear Jesus, please help me to walk across the water so that I can go and get some sandwiches for my friends and bring them back."
Just like Bob, Tom then stepped out of the boat, walked across the water to the tackle shop, purchased some sandwiches, and walked back to the boat.
Just as Tom was about to sit down, Bob said, "Ah, man... I didn't realize we were so low on soda, or I would have asked you to get some while you were up. This is the last one."
At this Tom said, that's OK, I'm sure Mark won't mind getting some for us. At this Mark's face turned white, and he said, "I can't."
Tom replied, "Sure you can, Mark. It just takes faith. We'll pray with you."
After stammering through the prayer, Mark stepped out of the boat. SPLASH!
"Happens to all of us the first time. Don't worry about it. Just try again," encouraged Bob.
After the 3rd time Mark landed himself in the water Bob leaned over to Tom and asked, "Think we should tell him where the rocks are?"
2007-10-29 17:59:32 · answer #8 · answered by Serving Jesus 6 · 3⤊ 0⤋
A true story: Bob Hope was booked to speak at a big dinner and he was scheduled to follow Bishop Fulton Sheen at the podium. Bishop Sheen had the audience just rolling on the floor with laughter and Bob Hope wondered how in the heck he was going to follow this guy out there so, when it came time for him to be on he went out to the podium, clasped his hands together, bowed his head, and said let us pray.
2007-10-29 11:17:52 · answer #9 · answered by Midge 7 · 1⤊ 1⤋
a nun i at the pearly gates waiting to get in. St. Peter says,
Well, since you are a nun, you will have to first answer 3 questions
the nun says ok
St. Peter "first question what is the name of the first man on earth?
Nun: Adam
Peter: Good, Second question, who was the first woman on earth?
Nun: Eve
Peter "Very nice, third question. What was the first thing eve ever said to adam?
nun scratches her head and says "boy, that's a hard one"
St. Peter smiles and says "you're in"
2007-10-29 14:44:00 · answer #10 · answered by Princess Peabody 4 · 3⤊ 0⤋