Wedding etiquette, would you be offended?

Question

This is OLD news that I just found out about. My wedding was 5 years ago. I visited on the phone with a cousin I haven't talked to in ages, who attended my wedding. She brought up our wedding, and told me something that had ticked her off. She said my husbands family was going around telling my family and friends things like, "She's a lucky girl!" (implying I don't deserve him?) and "He's quite a catch." (again...) and "You know, he WAS the most sought after bachelor in town." or "You know he is quite established." Wtf? Am I being overly sensitive here? Keep in mind, MY family was saying things like, "Don't they make a nice couple?" or "We love him like he is our own." or "He's so good with her kids." WHY did they feel the need to make sure my family knew I was getting a good deal? It just doesn't seem like proper etiquette to me. My cousin said it wasn't just what they said, it was the way they said it. It was as if they were implying he was too good for me or something. As if!

EDIT: I should add, in my cousin's defense that the conversation started with me complaining about a recent incident (gossip gossip!) with a sister of his. Which, prompted her to ask how well I get along with them. She said, " I probabbly shouldn't tell you this now, but....", and then changed her mind. I literally had to drag it out of her. She's a really good, honest person, not lacking in integrity. I just wish she had told me sooner! Funny thing was, I was finally making decent money, had a nice place, good car, all that would spell 'success'. That aside, I'm a good person, and deserve to have a good man (at least I like to think so...lol!). I feel like asking them, "What am I, chopped liver?". No offense to those who like chopped liver.......!

EDIT: Ooops! I should add, that I asked my Mom and Sis if they heard anything, and come to find out, they did. My whole family was mortified for me, was the subject of much gossip later I'm told. They mutually agreed not to say anything to me to spoil the big day. It was a big enough deal that one of my Aunt's, who loves EVERYONE was particularly offended (of course, I am her favorite, lol!). Too late now to do anything about I guess, but it's still in there, bubbling at the surface. Good gawd, let's hope I don't get drunk at X-mas and explode!

Answer 1

In this instance, the rude person is probably your cousin. Why dredge up a five year old story now that has the potential to damage an otherwise good relationship?

If the story is true, it is probably just evidence that they thought a lot of their son, but didn't know you well enough to be convinced that he was also getting a good deal.

Unless they're bad mouthing you now or have been for these years, I would consider it old news and forget about it.

Your cousin would have been wise to leave that story in the past. What good can possibly come of telling it now?

EDIT:

Thanks for the added details. We've all been in that situation where someone starts to tell us something they weren't supposed to and then we force them to spill it.

But, I would recommend that, before the holidays, you reflect on whether they have treated you well during these five years.

If you've had a decent relationship, and they haven't habitually spoken ill of you (now that they've gotten to know you) --- why not try to balance their mis-behavior that ONE day (albeit an important one day) against their good behavior toward you during the last five YEARS.

We all mis-speak from time to time and live to regret it.

Answer 2

I have actually gone through the same issue with some of my relatives, as close as my dad's mom. But in my case, it's more of a cultural issue of them thinking that a single woman without kids is incomplete and handicapped, needing to be given away to anybody who takes her. They completely disregard who I am or what I have accomplished. As far as they are concerned, I could be without a high school diploma, living on welfare, but I would be more valuable as a woman if I had a husband.

They considered me "lucky" last time I got married, because I wasn't a virgin and a guy who "looked good on paper" was willing to look beyond that and commit to me LOL. They continued to consider me lucky every time I brought a guy who drove a nice car or had a nice career, around. Now mind you, I do drive a car and have a nice career too, but that doesn't mean much, cuz I'm a woman. I have no need to keep ignorance around, so they have been gracefully cut off. Mine is strictly cultural, but I'm assuming yours is more of a jealousy issue and the fact that there is a culture of handicap around single mothers in our society. Especially in marriage, people still subconsciously put the power in the man's hands. If he marries you, he did you a favor---it's just the sexist culture that's still alive, that's all.

Yes, the comment is offensive. But the comment is also letting you know about their own inferiority complex and what they wish they had....so I would just laugh it off and even feel compassion for their situation. You can't give ignorant people too much power to make you feel anything. It's kind of hard when it's as close as your own grandma in your ear, but even that can be eliminated and handled :)

Also, I have noticed this "jealousy" aspect of your husband being a "catch" can get pretty intense in interracial marriages. Some of my ex husband's female relatives thought him to be the catch and wondered why we married....but then again, that was strictly a racial/jealousy issue and didn't really mean much.

Sorry I can't help much, but thank you for letting me vent LOL

Answer 3

I wouldn't spend a lot of time or energy worrying about this one, Bijou.

The critical part of the relationship is how does HE feel about YOU? If he loves you and respects you and you have a good relationship that's all you need.

Frankly I have been a bit estranged from my family since my mother has tended at times to be critical of my wife. Some of the criticism might be deserved, but I don't think it needs to be expressed. She has her limitations--I have mine--and each of us understands we are not perfect.

Her family has been nothing but kind and accepting toward me and I appreciate them for that. I don't think my mom means to be hurtful--it's just her way. She had the same attitude toward my sister's husband.

Answer 4

I don't know if you ever watch Dharma & Greg, but it sounds like you married someone like Greg (if he's as nice as Greg - guessing that after 5+ years, he is, so congrats!) with a family like Greg's (who may just be upper crust, and used to acting that way.) Also like Richard and Emily Gilmore on Gilmore Girls, and the Huntzburger family on Gilmore Girls. Some people, because of their monetary/social status, are in a habit of acting superior - it's not something I condone, but I recognize it and don't let it bother me. I'm guessing your cousin was bothered by it, but if I were you, I'd put it in the context of how have they treated you since then, and if they've treated you like a welcome member of the family, I'd put it off as them being in a tense social situation (as good a description of a wedding as any I can think of) and using that as a coping mechanism.

Answer 5

Oh yeah I'd definitely be offended....... but it was long ago so I'd just let it go..... how has his family behaved towards you in these 5 years?? Are they still having this attitude that "you aren't enough for their baby"???? Are they stand-offish or rude? If such is the case, then you know where it all came from and it's good to have such information. But they definitely showed they lack of manners by uttering this distasteful comments....

In any case, you ARE good enough for your hubby and that's what matters right!? My BF's family doesn't love me to death either but I couldn't care less!!

Would you answer my question?


http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index;_ylt=AqkOjSOD_do2cFZ0vMsKXfbsy6IX;_ylv=3?qid=20071028111123AAHf4DB

Thanks!!

Answer 6

Why should you care what his family has to say as long as he is good to you and loves you. Anyways knowledge is power and from now on you can treat his family the way they deserve.

Answer 7

Lovely in laws. Nothing to do about it know; just be aware of the things they might say about you to others.

My ex husband's family did that type of thing - and when we divorced- mutually agreed upon - his mom tried to bad mouth me, and he stood up for me - told her if she wanted to keep seeing her son and grandchild, she'd better stop.

He's a good guy.

Answer 8

SAY WHAT ???? We have a saying over here my friend, "You can pick your friends, but not your family" As the boys from Liverpool sang " All you need is love", best wishes, Me!!

Answer 9

That's really rude but then again it is human nature to gossip. If it continues to upset you, ask your husband to say something to his family.

Answer 10

Maybe they are just really proud of their son, but lack tact....

If they treat you well now, don't worry about it!