My 4 year old son makes me cry!?

Question

My 4 year old son does not listen to me at all. It seems like I have tried everything I can and I get no where with it! I'm so tired, we go to the store and he throws the worst fits if he doesn't get his way. I used to give in but now I just walk away because people stare and I get so emotional. I feel like a really bad parent because I have to yell to even get him to look at me! I usaully make his dad keep him if I have to go in public because I can't handle him. He listen's to everyone as long as i'm not around. I don't know what to do! I do not like to spank and do not like to yell. I don't know what to do. I feel like Im going to break down at anytime when he acts that way! Iam married to his father and he does help out. Is he just a spoiled rotten brat?

Okay, I don't cry in front of him. He never see's me cry! And I will NOT spank! I believe that spnaking teaches children that physical abuse is okay if things arent the way they want them. I was never spanked growing up, my parents never had to lay a hand on me for me to listen. I will say that yes he did usually always get what he wanted when he was younger. I try to do alot with my kids (I also have a 16 month old boy), I work a full time job and then go home for another. I love it! I guess it all really started when I started working at a daycare, when he wasn't the only one sitting on mommys lap anymore. He is great with his brother and honestly, i his brother is doing something wrong he will try to help the baby to correct so he wont get in trouble. He knows how he should act, he will tell you so. He just has trouble doing so.

Spanking only works because then they are scared that if they do something wrong then they will be punished with physical harm. I do not believe in it so dont give me advice if thats what you are going to tell me to do. If you do spank and it works, then good for you. But I will not physically harm my child to get them to listen to me, I will try to find other resouces. Thank you.

Answer 1

Yes, he's spoiled. You let him know that he needs to listen. He gets a warning. Once he's been warned, if the behavior continues, he goes to his time out spot--no toys, no comfort objects--sit on the steps, a special rug, a chair, or even in his room. He gets 4 minutes because he's 4.

In public, you make a list of the things you need to buy. If it's not on the list, you don't buy it. Make sure he knows that it's his job to help you shop and go over the list with him before going in. Let him know that he's got to help out or he's going to lose the privilege of going with you and he's going to lose a favorite toy, tv time, books at bedtime, playtime in the bathtub, whatever punishment would affect him the most.

It sounds like you're a pushover if you want to cry or do cry. Plus, you've given in in the past and now you're not anymore--he needs to get used to you not giving in. Make sure he knows ahead of time what your response to a fit will be and how it will affect him. Do this while he's calm and in a good mood. Come up with a list of punishments together and post them somewhere in your house. You could also do a reward system with a poster/sticker chart. Every good outing, he gets a special sticker and once he gets 10 stickers, he can pick something out of the prize bin (big stickers, cheap toys from the dollar spot--a 2in dinosaur, a toy car, a coupon for an extra movie, or 15 minutes of staying up late, something that he would like to have). Any combination of these things would help. You're his mother and you're in charge.

Your job isn't to have your son like you, it's to be a good parent. Good parents discipline their kids and grow a tough skin--when they yell, "I hate you," you know that they don't. They're just angry. Your response should be, "Well, I'm angry with you, but I still love you. I'm sorry you feel that way." That's it. End of discussion.

For the person who said to tell your son that he's "hurting mommy's feelings." That's the worst thing you can say. At 4, they're self obsessed. At 14 they're self obsessed. You need to make it about HIM. "You should be really embarrassed by your behavior" or "you should be proud of yourself for being so well-behaved at Target." It's on him, not on you. You NEVER want to connect yourself to his behavior because he needs to see how things affect him. Not only is this a good parenting practice, but we learned in our methods courses for teaching that this is how we need to praise and punish students and children. Make it about them so they connect their own emotions to their behavior.

Answer 2

He's not a spoiled rotten brat, but he DEFINITELY has your number. Your son has learned that you're a pushover and he knows if he throws a fit you'll give in. You need to stop crying and whining and be a PARENT. You must set rules, make punishments for disobeying the rules, and enforce the rules. You have to decide who's going to be the boss here, and if you let your son walk all over you now it'll only get worse when he becomes a teenager. Giving in won't help. Walking away won't help. You have to teach him that throwing tantrums and disobeying you is not acceptable behavior. You don't like to yell or spank? Tough -- if that's what it takes to get through to him, then it is your responsibility to do those things. Right now he has no respect for you because he knows there are no bad consequences for his bad behavior. You have to change that -- NOW.

Answer 3

This is normal. All your son really wants is attention. And he's definitely going to get it if you're on the street in public. Obviously, as a normal mum, you would feel embarrassed to take a stroll down the street with your son shouting and making a fuss - but take no notice act as if its normal. It honestly does not matter what random strangers think of your parenting skills. This helps you with your confidence and with your 4 year olds son's listening problem. But I shouldn't be calling it a problem - because its not. Your doing the right thing by not yelling or hitting. Just ignore -it works like magic. Talk to him as normal, and even if he does refuse to listen to you, carry on talking. He'll soon get the message that his plans aren't working. Take care.

Answer 4

I sympathize having seen my sister go through this, i have to tell you though he won't change over night because he is so used to pushing the boundries so keep at it. I am not critisizing your parenting at all, but i suggest being more firm with him. When you are at home and he starts playing up tell him to 'stop it' in a firm voice, if he persists remove him away from the problem AND from you, because ultimately kids want attention, i suggest not talking to him when he is naughty until he has calmed down. If you talk/shout at him he is getting the attention he wants. Also when you are shopping get him involved, e.g. mommy wants four apples can you pick the best ones? Praise him when he is good then he will associate good behavior with nice attention from you. Hope this helped. Trust me it worked for my sister.

Answer 5

I agree with you, spanking does no good and there be ways to effectively discipline without hitting or becoming emotionally or verbally abusive. Asserting yourself as a parent does not mean you have to show him who's boss by spanking.

Throwing tantrums does NOT mean ADHD. And "oppositional defiance disorder" is made up. Just like "shift work sleep disorder" for tiredness from normal fatigue and "social anxiety disorder" for shyness. And baldness with age as a disorder, menstruation as a disorder, childhood as a disorder...

The best way to deal with it, is to not deal with it at all. If he doesn't get his way, slowly and calmy explain why he can't have whatever it is he wants. If he throws a tantrum, tell him to stop, and ignore him if he should continue and go on with your shopping. He'll eventually tire himself out. You could give him some physical comfort to soothe him down, but ignore him still. You might get getting annoyed from him, but it's alot better than getting a migraine by screaming at him and making a scene. In fact, think about something cheery or happy and pretend he's invisible. By ignoring him, he'll be the one making the scene (and other people will be staring at him and not you). Once he realizes it gets no reaction out of you, he'll stop the phase whenever he's ready. If you argue, and he acts out, it just turns into a endless power struggle. Caving in to him is a sign of weakness, in which he knows he has control over you just by throwing a tantrum.

I would recommend just leaving him at home if you can if he acts up when you go shopping, or that you won't stop by that store (like a toy store where he has things he wants) or get or do something he really wants if his acting out keeps up. Or tell him once to stop, then leave with him(don't threaten to leave him behind) or that you won't take him out again. Reward/praise his good behavior and bribe, but time-outs and take away privileges and prized possessions if he doesn't behave.

And children can't sit still, shopping at a place they don't like further agitates them. Alot of people find an improvement if they turn shopping into a fun game by letting the child help them with their shopping and looking for things. Giving them some activity they can constructively put their minds to also helps, and they'll be occupied for a while.

It's normal still for 4 year olds to throw tantrums. You need not cry or be overwhelmed with guilt and emotion. Explain yourself once, and only once so he'll know what he has coming to him.

Answer 6

I really do understand how you feel. I have a 2 and 4 yr old, both girls. It is extremely hard to always be consistent with discipline when their are many things to do during the course of one day. I go out with my girls all the time and sometimes I am amazed at how good they were and other times my blood is fuming. My issue is I need to spend quality time with them instead of living my life around them. Most of the time kids act out that way, is because they need the attention from you. Like instead of typing this answer right now, it would probably be better to play with my girls. Don't get me wrong, we do play and learn together but I should really do more of it. When my kids don't listen it's incredibly hard to keep my cool and not yell even though in my head, I wanna just throw a fit myself. LOL Maybe when you go out or whatever you do, try to live it through his eyes and find ways for him to have fun with you. I always let my kids look and play with the toys at Target for a while and its a great way to see what they would most like for X- mas too. But like I said their are good days and bad days. Plus snacks work too. Have them help you put things in the cart. Make fun out of it. It works!!


Don't worry about people that watch as your kids have tantrums. People that look don't have kids and the others probably do have kids and feel for you. I there with ya!

Answer 7

You're going to have to take him by the arm, stoop down to his level and hold his arm firmly, saying, 'stop it' over and over until he stops. 'Never walk away, Never let him see you cry because as soon as he sees this, he knows he has control over you. If he hits, grab both arms and do not let go not matter what tantrum he's throwing. Also, DON'T care so much what others think. Your son will use your embarrassement to his advantage. Warn him that you'll never bring him until he learns to behave and next time he asks to go with you say, 'Only if you put on your big boy behavior.' A lot of parents reward good behavior... It shouldn't be rewarded, it should be expected.

Answer 8

it just seems like he is 4 and is playing a power struggle between you and him. My best friend has a little girl that is 4 also and she doesn't listen to a word she has to say always answers back and is generally naughty for her. On the times i have looked after her so she could have some time she has been good for me because she knows that i won't give in to her demands. At the moment he knows that he can beat you in the power struggle. Try at home by giving him punishment for bad behavior, like time out. Make sure you don't ask him a question that he gets to choose the answer. like( can you sit on that chair). Try ( I want you to sit on that chair).

Answer 9

How has he been in the past? Have you said "yes" more times than "no"? It sounds like he is very spoiled and needs a lot of work in the discipline field. You have to make him understand that what you say goes. Your the mother and you should be in control - not your son. You need to turn things around.

Answer 10

Im sorry :( That must be horrible! My nephew was like that when he was around that age. We had to be very strict with him and make sure he knew that what we said went. When i babysat him if he started acting up he would be on time out by himself for 4 minutes (he was 4 years old). At the beginning he would just scream and get up and walk back over to his toys but i would just keep bringing him back to his timeout spot. I think that was probably one of the things that helped. He had a timeout mat that he would have to sit on for the entire time and if he got up his time started over. I would try to make sure i got down to his level and explained to him what he did was wrong and that its not exceptable and them put him on time out. It took a couple months to get him to behave but now he's an angel :) I hope that helps.....Whatever you decide to do i think the best thing is consistency.