Ok, about to kick out a bridesmaid.....?

Question

Long story short, this bridesmaid and I have basically no friendship anymore...we haven't argued or anything, just fizzled out real fast after she left our workplace (we were good work friends). There have been some negative things along the way that have happened and overall it now feels ridiculous to have her stand in my wedding considering that I have only seen her ONCE in the last several months. I have a back up that I'm better friends with. Here's my question - the bridesmaid I plan on kicking out spent $100 towards my bridal shower. I would obviously pay her back for the dress, but do I also pay her back for the bridal shower? She was not the only one who contributed (in fact contributed the LEAST amount). But I want to do the right thing here....so do I give her back all money that she spent towards the wedding? I'm thinking yes, but want to hear some opinions.....

I think hardly having a friendship is good reason enough...I don't want a "stranger" in my pictures. She is also full of herself and doesn't give a crap about my wedding.

I wish people would read the entire question here...I said that some negative things have also occurred along the way (that I don't have enough space to type about).

Answer 1

Give her back all the money...it would be seriously unfair otherwise.

Answer 2

Okay hopefully I have read the whole question rightly -

This sucks for you and her. If there have been some negative things that have happened which are affecting your decision, along with the fact that you rarely see her I guess that you have reason enough to kick her out of the party.

I would have to say, and I don't know if I am right, that she bought a dress and spent $100 for the bridal shower - thats alot of money, maybe as much as she can afford (again I don't know) - she is probably very much into being your bridesmaid even though she isn't showing it as much as you would like.

In my mind, kicking her out is essentially also going to ruin the friendship -so if you are to that point, then just do it and be done with it. I think I would pay her for the dress, give her back any gifts she bought you thus far, and pay her the $100 for the bridal shower party. This is only fair since you are the one choosing to end your relationship with her.

I agree that you need to do the right thing. There is going to be drama with it anyways, so you might try to end it as nicely and fairly as possible.

Answer 3

I had a similar situation with my maid of honor. We had a major fight and after that I told her that I didnt want her in my wedding. Why would you want someone in your wedding that could possibly ruin your day? Since you dont go into detail about what the negative things are. I can only guess that they were fights.
I would sit down and talk to her. And come up with an agreeable amount for the money. With my maid of honor I just paid the remaining balance on the dress and gave it to one of my other bridesmaids who hadnt ordered their dress yet.
If the bridal shower has already occured I wouldnt pay her back for it. She was in your wedding party when the shower occured so its reasonable that she should have to eat that cost.
Hope all goes well with this.

Answer 4

first of all. Why don't you arrange to meet her for lunch, have a chate and see how the friendship is going.
I have friends who I have not seen for many years,and I still consider them dear friends and NEVER expect them to spend lots of money on Me.
Friendship is not about how often you see each other, you both have been getting on with your lives, and don't need to hang on each others arms to remain friends, if you were good friends at work then you probably will always be good friends, and remember good friends CAN weather the stormes of NORMAL relationships. Don't kick her out of your wedding just yet, I think that would hurt her terribly.
If she DIDN'T care she would not have even considered a wedding shower for you.
I do believe you are being a little bit spiteful here. and since WHEN has it EVER been all about how much a person spends on anything, she probably spent as much as she thought she could afford.
Re Read your own question, as if it was written by someone else and you'll see how selfish and spiteful it sounds. And THAT'S My opinion. sorry it's not what you wanted to hear, but it's the truth

Answer 5

Well the perfect solution would be to sit down with her and see if you can work your way through the issues involved. Even if you must give some leeway. I you remain with your decision to relieve her of the bridesmaid honors then you must let her know this as soon as possible. As for the shower gift. It was a gift to you so it is yours. You said you wanted to do the right thing. Well the right thing is to never broach the subject that she contributed the least amount of money ever again. The gift's thought should be the most important thing, not the amount. You are not obligated to refund her the money in whole or part to her. If she asks you then you may if you desire return her funds, but even then you are not obligated to do so. Again I suggest trying to work things out first.

Answer 6

Pay her back the dress money, and invite her to the wedding. You can offer to return the bridal shower contribution but I think that could be seen as an insult to her rather than as a gesture of fairness. As I read your note, this is not so much an argument as a drifting away. Keep her as a friend, if possible - but right now she's not so much a friend that you think the bridesmaid's role is appropriate.

Tough circumstance - good luck

Answer 7

really you have to ask yourself is this a friendship even worth trying to save. I mean you asked this woman to take part in one of the most important days of you life. I would call her up and tell her how you feel and ask her if she even really does want to be in your wedding. Maybe there are some things that can be resolved. If not I would pay her back for the dress..as far as the shower...that's tricky. If it were me it would depend on if I felt she gave it willingly or that she felt she HAD to do it. Good luck!

Answer 8

I think you should sit down and discuss the situation with her. If she feels that you two have grown apart and that it would feel like a lie to stand up there with you, then I think you owe her nothing. If she is in agreeance, then she knew you two had grown apart when she chose to make those purchases. If she still considers you a good friend, perhaps you need to explain where you are coming from, ler her know you don't feel comfortable having her in the wedding party, and apologize for any monetary inconvience and return a portion of her money for the dress. As far as the bridal shower goes, she threw you a party. If she expected to get whatever her cost of the party was back, then she is out of line. I have given many presents to people I am no longer friends with, I didn't expect my money back after our friendship was over.

Answer 9

I would give her the money back for both. If she insists that it is not nesacary consider it as her gift to you and send her a nice thank you card. (You could enclose a gift card to a nice resturant or something) This way she doesn't feel like you didn't appreciate the gesture or that you only "used" her. Also, be sure that you let her know that it has become obvious that you guys have drifted apart & that is why you are removing her from the bridal party. Please be sure that she remains on the guest list, as it is ALWAYS rude to uninvite someone.

Answer 10

At this point, I think the right thing to do would be to go forward as originally planned. It would be tacky to ask her to step down. She's spent money on the shower and the dress and would probably be hurt (although possibly relieved) that you want to kick her out of the wedding party. She might refuse your money, which would be a shame. This is not a nice situation you've gotten yourself into.........

Answer 11

Well, if you still see her all the time you probably should return all the $. but since you dont just explain to her that you have a friend that you really want her to be in your wedding and she wants to buy "the girl your gunna kick out"'s dress. But if your back up is going to buy her own dress, just leave that girl in your wedding, it does'nt really matter ALOT who are your bride maids, plus it aviods conflict and the more girls you have walking down the isle, THE BETTER you wedding looks!! Have fun on your big day.. GOD BLESS YOU AND YOUR NEW LIFE!!!