I'm 21 years old and I've been sneaking behind my parents back with a 25 year old guy...Arent I old enough??

Question

My mom wants me to date someone who is a Christian and he is....he just got into alittle trouble last March...He got a DWI but he's really cleaning his act up....I like him alot and I'm afriad....she will hate him.....my dad doesn't care its just my mom and stepdad...I also have a 1 1/2 year old daughter and they don't want me to make another mistake like I did.... My mom told me last night that she wants to know everything going on in my life......I want some freedom..all my friends keep telling me that I'm 21, when they were 21 they lived on their own and made their own descisions....... I don't know how to tell her whats going on.... I wish she wasn't like this.....its so frustrating.......I can't do anything.....I don't want to stop dating him and I don't want to hurt his feelings..... I also don't want my parents prying into my life....... how do I tell her......I can just see her freaking out on me......its so frustrating!!!! please help!!!!!!!

I'm going to a four year college with a double major, I work full-time as a waitress, and I also work for my dad.....

Right now I'm living with them because they want me to stay there until I get my degree...I don't have to but I am......

Answer 1

Well, your friends are right when they say that you are 21 and should be able to make decisions on your own. By that, I mean you ought to be able to make responsible decisions about your own life and that of your daughter without considerable help/reliance upon your parents. This isn't always the case with every 21 year old. If your parents still have to make decisions about your life and supporting you and your daughter, they may feel as if you're still a child. If you are able to be an adult, you're going to have to show them that you're not a child by making smart adult choices without their input and seeing these decisions through. As long as you give your parents control over your life, they'll exercise it.

Answer 2

I can see why your parents wouldn't approve. Look at it from their point of view. You live with them and can't support yourself, yet had a child on top of that. As long as you are under their roof, they get to make the rules. If you want some freedom, you move out, support yourself and child, no premarital sex(you don't want another baby and not married, do you?), no asking mom and dad for money, no depending on welfare, etc, except for maybe food stamps and medicaid for the child.

Something else to think about...being Christian directly translated is being "Christ-like". If he's still drinking, you both having premarital sex, sneaking around, etc, nothing there is Christ-like.

As an add on...How is it you have time to date while going to school full time, double major no less, working a full time job PLUS working for your dad? You probably have very little free time, and that should be spent with your child. Perhaps it would be best for you to put off dating until you are graduated. If this guy really cares for you, he'll understand and wait.

Maybe your mom is acting like that because she's the one doing most of the caregiving for your child, and probably senses you are sneaking around on what little free time you have, while she's taking care of the child?

Answer 3

It is only a four year difference, and whether you date some one 4 years older or 1 year older or 5 years younger it is your decision to get pregnant or not. I don't see the big deal in the age unless you were 15 and he was 19 that is different. Talk to your mom and let her know you are growing up and it is time for her to give you a little breathing room. And as far as the DWI that is strickly a need to know thing she does not need to know about that just make sure you are not in the car with him if you know he has been drinking or what ever. When you are in a relationship there are certain things you tell people and certain things you don't. If you tell people all the bad and no good of course they will put that person down.

Answer 4

First off, your daughter wasn't a mistake. You need to understand that everything happens for a reason. You should never look at having a daughter that way. Secondly your 21 and living at home with your parents. You have to respect the fact that they want to or are concerned in your private affairs because your still under their roof. You need to explain to your friend that your situation doesn't need any aggravation so keeping things on a low key should be what matters most. Get to know him better and find out if he has some other qualities that would make you two more of a match. Don't sweat keeping things under wraps till then. Look, he just had a DWI and at 25 that's not really a good sign. He may be struggling with alcoholism in it's early stages. Be patient and continue to obied by your parents wishes and keep lover boy under wraps till you know for sure he's a definite thing!

Answer 5

First off, I sympathize with you. It's hard to live with your parents when you're an adult as well, more especially so if you have a child of your own. However, you live in their house, it's their rules. If you are a Christian, then you ought to live the lifestyle. Yes you slipped up, but if you're trying to stay on the right path now, sneaking around will not help the situation.
My personal opinion is that if you have to hide something, then there's something wrong with what you're doing. This is not always the case. I will stress again, this is my personal opinion.
When we as Christians need help, we seek our answer from the Lord, because we know He has our best interests at heart and will never lead us in the wrong direction. Seeking Godly counsel is also another avenue.
If this guy was a real man, he wouldn't have you hide your relationship either.
I pray that you find the proper solution to your situation.

Answer 6

Old enough? Chronologically, yes... the question you should be asking yourself is "Am I mature enough?"

First off, you need to visit a nearby mirror. Look in it and say "I am an adult woman. I am someone's MOTHER." Repeat until you understand this.

Once (and not until) you understand that, you look that person in the eye and ask her what she really wants out of life. Not what she's willing to accept because she doesn't think she can get much more, but what she really wants. Who is she? Who does she want to be?

Now you live accordingly. You are, at present, sneaking around, afraid mommy will find out.

So ask yourself, is this how a grown woman and mother acts?

If you truly believe the guy is solid, would be a good dad to your daughter, loves you both, is responsible and kind and there's NOTHING legitimate for Mom to object to, then you do what a grown woman does in this situation.

You look people, including family, in the eye and tell them you are dating a great guy and you want them to meet him.

You share whatever details you want to share with anyone you want to tell them to, and no more. You check your choices to be sure you can own up to them comfortably, that your choices are the best for you and your daughter, and if not, you make different choices - but you don't defend them unless you want to.

"Mom, I love you a lot, and I know I've made mistakes in the past, but I've learned from them. This guy is different. He's (however he's different from last guy). I'm taking it slow (you are, aren't you?), getting to know him. I don't know if he's the one - he's got some issues to work through, and he is working on them - but I do enjoy being around him. I would like you to meet him."

You sound uncertain about the choices you've made and uncertain about your right to make choices.

Honey, you aren't just you any more. You are somebody's MOTHER. It's time to reorganize your self-image to accomodate that fact and make your choices accordingly.

Answer 7

I would definately say yes that you are more than old enough to be able to take care of yourself. However, your mom obivioulsy has seen you make not so good choices by having unprotected sex and having a child at 19 or so. She is trying to look out for you and your choices good and bad.

Keeping your boyfriend away from her is not a good idea. Introducing him to her is a way of showing maturity I feel. Wether she likes him or now, she will respect you for having the courage to introduce him. Your father should back you up on this if as you said he is ok with the situation.

I was in the same situation, I was pregnant at 20 and my mom horribly disliked him. I kep my pregnancy from her until I couldnt hide it any longer. I explained to her why I had kept it a secret and it was an eye opening experience for her as well...as she realized how much pressure she had put on me, to be the "perfect" daughter.

Let me know if you ever just need to chat!

Answer 8

Many times the sneaking around and the carelessness is what got the first child. You are a grown woman and you should be able to make you own decisions...the problem is because you are still in your parent house and this allows them to have more say than they should. Get your own place and start being independent...remember your parent do not want you to fill up their house with babies either...

Sit your parents down and give them some positive feedback on what this guy has to offer you...be true to yourself also.. many time a young drunk usually turns into an old drunk.. I hope it works out for you

Answer 9

You should be more interested in taking care of your daughter instead of some guy. Do you work full time? Go to college?
She's freaking out on you because your not acting or thinking like an adult much less a parent.
Be big... leave the guy's alone and prove to yourself, your child and your mom that you are a responsible adult.
Get a job (waitress work provides you with cash daily)
Enroll in a Vo-tech
Enroll in college ( with a dependent you can get full grants and go to college for free)
Go to a local community college and request a financial aid application fill it out send it in and find out how much you qualify for.
Quit leaving the responsibility of your child with your mother, Take care of that baby yourself. Check into child care, medical care and food stamps.
Get on birth control
Your not even close to being ready for a man (not a real one anyway)
Peace

Answer 10

Firstly, at 21 you ARE old enough to make up your own mind about your life and who you see.

Secondly, your mother is only concerned about your welfare, and while you live under her roof you have a certain responsibility to respect and abide by her rules, but not her opinions.

You may need to sit down and talk about your independence and freedom with your mother. You may need to consider moving out on your own if your mother cannot understand your need for what is a normal healthy desire at 21.

You say you have already been dating him (yet obviously she doesn't know), and although I would not recommend deceptiveness, at 21 there is no need for you to discuss your personal life with your mother at all. Perhaps there is no need to discuss this relationship until you feel it is going somewhere. Although, be mindful of how you became pregnant the first time.