How do I deal with my mother?

Question

Short version: I'm 22 and in graduate school, my boyfriend is 24. My family HATES him and i'm in counseling for it. My therapist even agrees that they are being unreasonable and irrational. Anyway, back in mid september I get an email from my mother outlining every wrong my boyfriend has ever done and then she says that they think its best if they have little to no contact with me from now on so I can be happy. Anyway, some things happened and i've gotten a few emails (mostly about my grandmothers health or having to put my horse down). Then she goes on vacation with my grandparents and emails me to say she sent a box of grape juice and something else for me home with them (my parents live in another state, my grandparents an hour and a half from me) and that I can go to their house whenever and pick it up. She had previously told them that if they were in town they weren't to take me out to lunch or stop by to see me. Now i'm getting presents from her? So, what do I do?

I kinda want to tell her that I don't want to talk to them until they are ready to sit down and have a rational conversation about what's going on and will actually LISTEN to what I say. That I appreciate the "gifts" but won't be going to get them.

TOTALLY understand what you're saying about being financially stable myself. Back in the spring they were paying for everything and I took that away from them when they tried to use it against me. I now pay my bills with the exception of still being on my dads health insurance. Thanks guys!

I get what you're saying about "If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all" In fact, I told my mom this because she was complaining to the rest of the family about him. I told her I wanted her and the family to stop talking negatively about us and our relationship and that's what prompted the email she sent me. I don't really know if this is her way of apologizing or not. She said it's been hard on her but frankly it hasn't been on me. I enjoy not having them know every detail of my life.

Answer 1

Why don't you write your mother a letter, and mail it to her. That way she will have to listen to what you have to say and there won't be any interruptions on her end. Atleast then you'll have your feelings out there, but try not to be too defensive. You should also try calling your mom and telling her all the reasons why your boyfriend is right for you. Write the list before hand, and tell her that he is the right man for you. And if they want to be part of your life, they will have to accept that.

Answer 2

Unfortunately, I know how you feel. My mom hates my boyfriend too. She use to call and tell me that if I stayed with him I'd end up barefoot and pregnant in a trailer park. My response was "Well, at least I can hang my college degree on the wall in my double wide". She didn't think that was very funny...

Anyway, back to the question. I would guess that your mom is realizing her plan backfired. She thought if she threatened to stop talking to you that you'd dump your boyfriend and run home to her. She has probably come to terms with the fact that even if she hates your boyfriend that she would rather hate him and still have a relationship with you than not speak to you at all. It sounds like she knows she was wrong, but she doesn't want to admit it. She is sending gifts to you via your grandparents because she feels bad about being so hard on you.

My solution was this: I told my mom I'd love to have a relationship with her under one condition: the first time she started ragging on my boyfriend and telling me how badly I was screwing up my life would be the last time I'd answer the phone. I told her that I appreciated her concern, but that I felt it was misplaced and that she was overreacting. I still don't think she likes him, but she stopped saying negative things about him. We've taken a "If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all" approach and its worked out okay so far.

I guess what I'm saying is, accept her kind gesture as what it is, her apologizing without having to admit she was wrong. Then, establish some ground rules. Maybe the two of you could just not talk about your boyfriend. I know, that sucks, but its better than getting ignored by your own mom right?

Answer 3

Sounds like that was your mothers last effort to try to keep control,I would tell her you love her but it is time for her to let you go,It hurts you that she or they will not give your boyfriend a chance and that they should feel confident that they raised you to make the right choices. I would say mom I am confused,you said you didn't want contact with me but you send gifts,I will except them if this is your way of making peace or apologizing.Now on another note if you except money or help /support from your mother this will make her feel like she has a license to preach.Make sure you are self sufficient and not dependent on her financially because if you are then you can't expect her to stop.Also you are an adult and shouldn't have to answer to them in this way. Letters always work well too. Everyone can use a little therapy here and there.

Answer 4

First, I am sorry that you are going through this. The main thing I can tell you is to continue seeing your therapist for support and know that sometimes family members can be unreasonable and irrational. They may have good reason for not liking your boyfriend but you are an adult and it is YOUR CHOICE!!!!! Stand by your decisions and strongly accept the consequences. Your mother's behavior sounds controlling and immature so you just have to live your live without her input or approval. If you are making a mistake with your boyfriend it is YOUR LIFE, YOU MISTAKE. YOU ARE AN ADULT BOTTOM LINE. If you want to see your grandparents then go see them...your mother cannot stop you from going to their home. I wish you the best.

Answer 5

It sounds like you already have a handle on the matter. You are maintaining your freedom by taking steps to become more independent. The more gifts and money you accept from them, the more control they think they have. Keeping the lot of them at arm's length (and in the dark) is a good strategy.

This is about boundaries.
Your mother is a control freak who is squandering any authority she ever had by picking on you, and by mustering the rest of the family to do the same.

Answer 6

Parents are always protective of there children . It sounds like they love you and are trying to be there for you but they are also trying to manipulate you by saying they won't have much to do with you,and to see if you will see it their way. I know this will personally will push you away from them more. ( been there done that).I would accept the gift to show them you love them back , but you do need to talk to them and say they are being to critical and its wrong for them to make you choose between family and your boyfriend and your family needs to make a effort to get to know him before they make judgments. If you have to choose your family may not be happy with results. Love is a powerful thing. Hope this helped . I wish you both the best.