How can I help my mom not blame herself for my step-dad's suicide?

Question

My step-dad hung himself a little over a week ago, after a mental breakdown and severe depression that lasted about a month before he killed himself. My mom blames herself because she was supposed to be with him at the time, but he convinced her to go on home (he was at his woodworking shop) and he'd be joining her at home soon after, when he was finished cleaning up. He had been doing fine all day. My mom was exhausted from caring for him, because he would wake up several times every night having panic attacks, so she had a lapse in judgement. So she won't accept the normal "you can't blame yourself, you didn't know this would happen" condolences, because she says she should have been with him.

She also was the one who found him, so in her mind she will always have the image of him hanging.

I've never seen my mom so broken. I want to help her through this but I don't know what to say. I know that she shouldn't blame herself, but how can I help her realize this?

Oh, a little extra detail. I'm an adult daughter with my own family and kids. One of his daughers, and his sister, also blame my mom. He didn't leave a will or inheritance, so they're trying to get the money from his assets from my mom. She has to pay for the funeral costs and has two house payments, property payments, and the shop lease until she can auction off his equipment, so it's not like she has a lot of money to spare right now. She does intend to sell his assets and give his family the money, but she can only do that after everything is taken care of. They want her to sign over everything NOW and give it to them, but right now she has to worry about her living expenses and how to pay for all the funeral costs.

I also forgot to mention that a friend of mine has given me some numbers for a helpline and suicide survivor support group, and I'm calling them today, as well as trying to get ahold of someone for some kind of post-traumatic therapy. She's with my sister out of state for the week, so I have some time to get some things together for her.

Answer 1

I am posting without reading the whole thing (I'm sorry - I'm drained myself due to a very recent loss).

There isn't really a way that you can make her realize this isn't her fault. I'm sorry to say, but it's only been a week and she is going to go through MANY emotions where she is going to be up and down for a VERY long time!

3 weeks ago, I lost my 17 year old nephew to suicide. Previous to that, we lost HIS dad 8 years ago, also to suicide. Some may or may not believe this, but for the survivors there is no worse death because you will forever have unanswered questions, trust me from experience you will "never" have the answers. You can speculate sure, but that's all. With other deaths, doesn't mean they are less painful, but they don't have the questions that go with suicide.

I know it must be very difficult seeing your mom in so much pain, but really the best thing you can do is be a shoulder for her to lean on - that's it. She will open up as she is ready. Everyone does things differently. I wouldn't at this point try and as another said give her a therapy session. She doesn't need that now.

I could probably right a book on this - however, no time! I do wish you the best of luck though. Just know she will probably never fully get over this. Anyone who says time heals all well that is just crap. Time only numbs the pain to where you can deal with it. You never get over something like this. The healthiest thing she can do is allow herself to get angry, sad, scream, cry, whatever!

I wish I had some magic words, but well there isn’t anything a person can say to make this better. Something my cousin just told me in light of this situation of my own is. “Taking care of you is a big part of taking care of others.”

Answer 2

It is normal to feel guilt when someone dies, even if it is not in such traumatic circumstances. I went through a very similar thing when a friend of mine killed herself. I knew she was at high risk but for one reason and another I wasn't around. The thing is that we are not responsible for other people's actions and chances are if he was that determined he would have found another opportunity even if she had stayed with him that time. I would guess though that she is not ready to hear that yet.

I think she would probably benefit from some bereavement counseling, certainly she would be wise to talk to somebody about this. It has only been a short amount of time though, she is most likely still in shock, even denial about what has happened. She may not be ready yet to do anything about this.

The best advice I can give you is to just be there for her and keep an eye on her as best you can, though obviously with having your own life and kids that can't be all the time. Allow yourself time to grieve too as you can't be strong for her if you are also struggling. Approach the subject of her seeing someone but be prepared for the fact that she might not want to. If she seems set against the idea leave it alone for a little while and try again. You may also find calling a helpline beneficial as I am sure they will have lots of advice on this situation.

As for the members of his family that are blaming her, I don't really know how to advise you on that. Maybe there is some way that contact bentween them and your mother can be limited? It could be that they are acting out of grief at the moment in which case their attitude towards the whole situation should hopefully change with time. I do hope the situation resloves itself without causing your poor mother too much more heartache.

Answer 3

I think that when there is a suicide, people look for someone to blame, even if it is themselves they are blaming. In the case of his blood relatives, they are using your mom for someone to blame. Just like in other tragedies, the government is blamed, or a company may be unfairly sued (obviously, a lot of lawsuits are legitimate too).

She would do well to go to counseling and work on this with a therapist who has seen other clients go thru something like this. I'm from the other end - I have bipolar disorder and am often suicidal. Medical insurance will not pay for a person to stay in a care center when they are suicidal unless the gun or rope is in their hands. And the meds don't always work, or they don't work fast enough. I really doubt that your stepdad meant to hurt your mom in any way. Some people suicide out of vindictiveness, but most are just in so much pain and feel so abandoned (no matter WHAT relatives do - the abandonment is part of the psychosis of severe depression) that is why they do it. When I am like that, I don't think anyone will care if I am gone, except I can't run errands for them anymore etc. I really believe that, too, when the depression is bad. There is no way your mom could have been with him every moment. She could have been sleeping with him and been too tired and he got up and hung himself in the garage. He obviously planned it, and that's why he seemed better, because of the relief of knowing he wouldn't suffer anymore. This is a case of no community support, and i dunno why his relatives didn't give your mom some respite care if that was feasible. I am very disturbed the inlaws are giving all this trouble about the inheritance. Your stepdad would not have married your mom if he didn't love her, most likely. Normally, a person has a much closer relationship with their spouse that with their kids. ??? Would he want to leave your mom destitute??? I think they are feeling guilty and overwhelmed and are blaming your mom because of that, and this is their way of laying on even more blame. They may never realize how unfair they are.
I'm sure none of this really helps, but I thought I should let you know that I care, and I care about your mom too.

Answer 4

Your mother needs an attorney. When it comes to money, people can get really strange. She needs to protect herself here.

I realize that saying it wasn't her fault doesn't stop her from still taking this on, but it really wasn't her fault. Could she have stayed with him every minute of everyday? Very unlikely, and not a good life to lead. He obviously was very depressed and what ever he was doing to help him didn't help, but we as survivors cannot take on the actions of the one who did this.

The family that blames her for his death are so off base and if I were her, I would write them off. Their words are meant to hurt.

Your mom would benefit talking with someone objective, like a therapist. She has to work through this and there is no short cut.

You are a loving daughter. Just continue being the support you have been.

Answer 5

I am so sorry for your loss. The best thing for her right now is grief counseling....with a professional that is trained to know how to help her. It will not happen over night and she will need your support so be there for her, but you can't fix this. You can talk to her doctor and ask him/her for a referral for a qualified professional...maybe even make an appointment for her, but she will have to do this on her own. She can even talk to an accountant and an estate administration lawyer to help her figure out how to deal with all of the property and money problems that have arisen. My thoughts are with you!!

Answer 6

It is very hard to get some one to see what they are doing is not working. I can only suggest to say some prayers and hopefully she will find some help of her own. There are groups out there who deal with this if you look for them. I know and you know it is not her fault. But she has to come to grips with that. I am afraid there is noting you by yourself can do. Just be her friend.

Answer 7

She will realize it on her own. Until then, let her lean on you (if she chooses) Let her express herself to you without "therapizing" her. if she can express her feelings about it to you and you can reflect them back to her so she knows she is being heard and understood, she will pull through it on her own (meaning she will come to her own conclusions, hopefully healthy ones) its def. not the time to tell her she is wrong about her natural feelings. I can see why she would blame herself. Its normal. I think anyone would. But it will pass.

Answer 8

My dear I think you can help her with your love, but you have to ask someone else for advise and ... a more specific kind of help to give to your mother