Wedding payment drama.....was I rude?!?!?

Question

I've got to know if I was right, wrong, or rude in the below:

My fiances parents have always agreed to pay for the flowers for the wedding day. So this weekend she, my mom, and myself went to the florist to pick them out. The florist asks who will be paying & his mom says "I'm paying for what the grooms side pays for." Because she said this, the florist divided the bill according to bride and groom. He explained what my mom would pay and I said "Wow, mom you're going to have a big bill, did you know that?" From there his mom writes out her part of the bill & lets my mom pay the rest.

We didn't say anything but my mom is stuck with this unexpected bill. We aren't doing payment as it traditionally would be done because his family is well-to-do and I felt it was VERY rude to do this last minute move. When my fiance found out, through her, he said that what she did wasnt part of the deal they had made. She said that I'm the one who was rude because of the comment I made. Was I rude?

Answer 1

No, it was very rude of her to offer to pay for one thing and then change that without letting you know ahead of time. If you or your mother had not been able to pay for that, you would have been in an ugly situation.

However...

If there is any way possible, you might want to just think, huh that's rude, and then let it go. People get so crazy during weddings that it can damage your future relationship. Often the groom's family ends up feeling left out, and that can cause situations like the one you are dealing with now. It makes no sense, but it's true. Just do your best to remember the side that shows now is probably not the side you will always have to live with.

Good luck and congratulations!

Answer 2

As the mother of a recent groom, I'm not sure anyone was being rude here. We gave the bride & groom a written list of items we agreed to pay for. However, for our part of the flowers, we also gave the bride a specific amount that we would spend.She went over the budget but we went ahead and paid. I think that instead of being rude, you probably had a misunderstanding. It might help in the future to remember that when you are spending another person's money, that person gets the final say in the decision. For example: IF the groom's mom was paying for ALL the flowers, then she gets to set the budget. Could the flower bill have gotten out of control at the florist shop because you thought the funds were unlimited? Maybe your future mother-in-law decided to pay her part to avoid an ugly situation. If a budget had been set first this would have probably been avoided.

And please don't feel like you are being slighted because the groom's family is "well-to-do." Unless we know someone's else's bank statement, we never know how much expendable case they have at any given time.

Advice? Please don't get bogged down with this problem. Enjoy your wedding and work to be the best daughter-in-law you can. It will make life so much more pleasant.

Answer 3

No, you were fairly tactful, considering she totally hung you and your mom out to dry in front of the florist. She basically put your mom in a very bad position. Here she was already writing out a check for her part; if your mom didn't do the same, it would make her look bad. This was very underhanded! I would be furious!

You had every right to say what you did! She gave her word and then broke it; that is not cool!

If I were you, I would leave it alone at this point. BUT, I would not include her in any more of the details for the wedding. If she asks questions, tell her you have it under control & she just has to find and dress and enjoy the day! Don't share any more information with her about the wedding. This is not to get back at her, it is just to keep you from having to deal with her. It is obvious now the kind of person she is; you don't want her making any more empty promises or criticizing your decisions.

Be nice, but keep in mind this is your first lesson in mother-in-law 101.

Answer 4

I don't think it was rude it seems to have been a mishap somewhere. When she first said she was paying for whatever she should have specified she was only paying for the grooms' side which is selfish. As long as the flowers are paid for just try and move on past this because you have more pressing issues to probably worry about other than to try and start an argument about flowers that she feels as though she was right about that she should have paid for. I'm pretty sure she knew she was wrong and probably didn't care but that may be the type of person that she is. She may have wanted to ruffle you and your mothers feathers and that is what she did, don't show it to her because then she will know that she has you right where she wants you and keep picking and picking until you say something nasty back and it will escalate. You don't want her to think she has you in the palm of her hand for no reason.

Answer 5

You were not rude at all. Your FMIL had said she was paying for the flowers...any normal person would think that means *all* the flowers...not just her share of them.

I can only imagine how awkward this situation was for you and your mom! You went in expecting one thing only to be surprised with an unexpected bill! Under the circumstances, I don't think that your comment to your mother was rude at all. I probably would have said something like, "Oh ____, I didn't realize that when you offered to buy the flowers you only meant the groom's flowers...." (But that's just me..I'm a bit opinionated LOL).

I'd let this go for now, but keep this incident in the back of your mind. My FMIL plays the same "head games" with me. Sometimes you just have to pick your battles though. Remember that her "promises" don't mean anything in the future, but for now, just try to enjoy your wedding :)

Good luck and congrats :)

Answer 6

I wasn't there so I can't really answer your question. However, in the grand scheme of things, your wedding flowers and who paid for them are not that big a deal. You're marrying this man for life. That means that his mother is going to be part of your family for life. You don't just marry the man, you also marry his family.

Let this flower drama go and move on toward your life together with the man you love. If you feel badly about your Mom paying for the flowers, then the two of you should reimburse her. Maybe once his Mom finds out that the money came from the two of you, she'll kick in with the cash. If not, then you know for the future that you need the cash from her BEFORE you order anything.

Good luck meshing your families :)

Answer 7

The problem here was miscommunication.

No one should be imposed a bill without knowing what they are paying for. If she offered to pay, she was the one who should have come with you and pick the flowers and have clarify what she was willing to pay. You cannot go to a florist and order teh most expensive flowers and expect some else to pay.

I'm sorry

Answer 8

sounds actually like it's indirectly the florists fault! If the grooms side of the family traditionally pays for the flowers, your MIL was just stating that she was paying! The fault then comes down to her though, for not stepping up and reiterating to the florist that she was paying for everything. After your comment, the MIL might have been pissed inside, therefore letting your mom pay for the rest of the flowers. Regardless, Try to just let it go...it's hardly worth the stress of worrying about it.

Answer 9

It may have no been the best time to say that, but I would say she is more in the wrong. If they said they were paying for the wedding flowers, they should have specified that they were only paying for the grooms flowers. Talk to your fiance and have him talk to him mother about the situation.

Answer 10

There was a LOT of wrong going on here.

First, your future in-laws did not specify what they intended. Paying for flowers is paying for FLOWERS, not just boutenneires.

Second, the florist screwed up, because traditionally, the groom's side paid for the flowers... all of them. So the comment "I'm paying for what the groom's side pays for, could have gone any number of ways. It could have meant that she's paying for what the groom's side pays for - flowers, rehearsal dinner....

The future mother in law was wrong to add "... for what the gorrm's side pays for" If she was paying for the flowers, she should have just said "I'm paying."

So if your mom is paying for the reception, you could always flip it around and give them the bill for the guests that are on the groom's side. Then you would be doing to her what she did to you.

Not that it's the "RIGHT" way to handle it. But I know that would make me mad.

But the WAY you made a comment was wrong too. A better approach would have been to say, "I thought you said that you were paying for the flowers." And maybe add that you hadn't brought your wallet because you thought she was handling it.

It is definitely bad to start off your married life with any conflict, so move with caution. Discuss your misunderstanding with your fiance and see what he suggests to clear it up. Go ahead and apologize if your reaction was rude. Blame it on your misunderstanding... not on her directly.

I also think that the suggestion that maybe you failed to set a budget was a good one. Did they ever say we can spend up to x amount on flowers? Did you go overboard?