Am really down in the dumps all because of my rubbish boyfriend. On Saturday I had the worst migraine of my life and we had a bit of a row because I always feel like I am at the bottom of the list of his priorities for various reasons. Things got a bit heated on the phone and he really hurt my feelings by saying I sound like a loon and that I should get some friends or a hobby. He also said he feels like he has to justify everything he does to me. He backtracked straight away and said he didn’t mean it like and was all grovelly straight away – but that really hurt my feelings!
Anyway things calmed down and I was too ill to care anyway. Then on Sunday it was our anniversary and he was working all weekend and he said we should do something Sunday. We talked about it a couple of times and I said I would like to go for a meal because we never do - and I know it sounds stupid but our first anniversary was important to me. Anyway Sunday comes and he says he’s had a hellish day and can’t face going out for a meal so we end up in the pub watching footy and having a roast dinner which I had to go and buy( again) before the shops shut. Needless to say I was not best pleased and really disappointed – I was really looking forward to him doing something special for me for a change and it really hurt my feelings – he just doesn’t care. I was really quiet all night ( I didn’t want a row) and he started getting worried, turning it round like he was the victim because he can’t help it if he has to work and has no money etc etc. Was I going to dump him? Etc. It’s funny how he always finds money to go the pub. Then he said we can do something next Saturday “as long as I am not going to be in a mood”.
Is it me – do I need to lighten up or have I got every right to be upset about this? It’s getting so painful for me – I really do love him and they say actions speak louder than words – he doesn’t have to tell me he doesn’t love me, I know he doesn’t, that’s what hurts so much. I can tell as well he doesn’t really want to commit and move in with me either – the plan was after Xmas and now he is going on about us going on holiday in February, he has not intention of saving up for a deposit and when he talks about where he lives it’s as if he intends to be there for the foreseeable future.
As usual he is being the best and attentive boyfriend today, calling me up, buying nice things for dinner tonight etc. But he does this all the time and soon goes back to being selfish and thoughtless.
Is there any hope here? He is 32!
2007-10-29 02:13:18 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous in Family & Relationships ➔ Singles & Dating
There *is* hope. But yes, he has some growing up to do.
Bring this matter up when neither of you are feeling grumpy. Tell him what you said here, and help him understand where you are coming from. Be prepared to listen to what he has to say also, even if you think it's rubbish. If something he says irks you, tell him that you feel _____ (fill in your own words). Don't tell him that HE makes you feel _____ even if it *was* something he said. He will get defensive and will stop listening.
Ask him straight up about moving, and don't accept political answers. Create a plan together. And if he's giving you 'political' answers, recognize that he may not really want to make this move. Tell him that even though you love him, you can't be waiting around forever, but don't use it as a threat. Tell him in a matter-of-fact way and express how sad you would be if it came to that, and he will see you are serious.
Don't feel bad for "nagging", as this is your life and happiness too, and you don't want to waste your time if it's not going anywhere.
2007-10-29 02:23:49 · answer #1 · answered by In Hiding 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
OMG! The last bit got me. He is 32? I thought before this you were talking about a teenager. I wonder how old you are? This might change my answer somewhat. This guy has insecurities and so do you I feel! By your own admission he doesn't love you..."he doesn't love me, I know he doesn't" and "he just doesn't care." So my question is Why are you wasting your time with him?? If you truly feel this, you need to move on. When he upset you on your anniversary, rather than being quiet (as this is as bad as rowing!) you should have spoken up. By this I mean expressed your disappointment calmly - this should not create a row! This is the art of communication in any healthy relationship. You being quiet made him feel guilty and then (poss from his point of view....he had to justify his actions again!) This is not fair on him or you! Learn to communicate calmly and don't overreact to things. If you often feel such strong emotions, ask yourself is it really worth being this upset about. Challenge your negative thoughts that lead to your anger/upset, etc. And know that you cannot change him or his behaviour - you can only change yourself. But to tell you the truth I get the feeling this guy is not in this relationship for the love!...sorry!
I think you both need to find a new partner.
2007-10-29 02:30:09 · answer #2 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
No, Honey, I am sorry, there is no hope. You cannot change him to be who you want to have and though you may love 80% of him the other 20% of this man sounds totally ghastly!
Every woman wants to be treated special! I would also guess that most women have dated just this kind of guy - I did. I said "enough is enough" though it was hard! I made a list of every thing I wanted in a man. I mean everything - appearance - how I want to be treated - what kind of assets he should have - appearance - hygiene - level of education, sexual expectations, chore responsibilities and also how many "treats or special priviledges" I needed in order to feel special. Then I set out to date - a quite a bit - two date maximum, if I had no interest. I followed the rules... Honestly I am not a beauty queen or anything - I just let my colleages and friends know I was ready to meet someone serious. I dated some very interesting, professional men but then I met one - a special one. He fit every single one of my criterion. I am happy, married and have been for eight years. I am in love. My husband is a great fit for me because I did not settle, as you have.
My advise - don't settle! Look for the right man for you, the waiting and the planning are totally worth it!
2007-10-29 02:25:59 · answer #3 · answered by chickenmonkeygirl 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Here's the thing... Regardless of age, when you are with someone, you take them for who they are. You shouldn't try to change anyone. I don't think it's that he doesn't care or that he's selfish, he may just distance himself. Something else that you will have to realize, which I speak from experience, is that the things that are a big deal to you, may not be a big deal to him. That's why you learn about each other and date. One of the biggest things about relationships is, can you take the good with the bad? Of course when he's nice and sweet, you love it and it's great, but when times get hard, and he gets mad, can you handle that? You will stress yourself out hoping that he will change. If you can't deal with how he is now, he's not going to change dear. Not saying he doesn't care, because obviously he does, or he wouldn't be with you.
I say take a step back and look at everything. Are you holding on to the possibility of how he COULD be? And..... can you handle living like this forever?
Best of luck deary. I know this is rough, but you always have to take care of yourself, and from what I can see, you seem to be stressing out.
Take things day by day....
2007-10-29 02:45:11 · answer #4 · answered by pd♥ 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
i read your question and this reminded me of my life now with my boyfriend. everyone here tells you to dump him. but i know that it won't be easy because you are in love. i know it because i am in love too. i tried to leave my boyfriend many times before but he wouldn't let me. and deep in my heart i wished he didn't let me either. this is so complicated. i feel used all the time. i have a good job( i am a teacher.) he is a university student but has a job too. but the one who pays the bills is always me. i pay for his own rent too. though we live in seperate apartments. it's been 1 year since we are together. during this one year i have spent all my savings for him. i bought him presents almost every month for no reason. in return he never bought me anything. last saturday was our anniversary and i bought him a very nice and expensive gift and he didn't give me anything. he didn't even give me flowers. i felt so upset but didn't tell him. i went home and cried for hours. everybody says communication is the key. but it doesn't work with my boyfriend. i had told him how i felt on my birthday when he didn't celebrate me, or how i felt on christmas when he didn't celebrate.and how i felt last saturday when it was our first anniversary and he didn't celebrate again.i think i cannot change him.so i have to change. i decided to behave him the way he does to me. i think it may work. i just want him to feel what i feel when he doesn't care how i feel.
by the way i am 23 and he is 24
2007-10-29 02:55:05 · answer #5 · answered by wild rose 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Oh...My...God.
I read your story and thought about my ex Jack.
He finished with me last night because HE reckons HE has stress after he QUIT his job because it was boring and now his mum's on his case about it. He reckons his "stress" amounts to mine when my mum has breast cancer and may have 5-10 yrs to live!!
I'm glad I'm rid because he was so selfish and inconsiderate and, now, all my mates who witnessed the break-up hate him too.
We had talked about moving into our own place but he would never save money. I'm the one in the good job when he was bumming it so I guess it wouldn't have worked anyway. We talked about holidays, he never saved money. But, whatever.
Hun, if he isn't going to be grown up about it, maybe you need to have a break and see where you're happiest.
Talk to him. Tell him the situations, what's going on in ur mind and stuff.
Jack and I are only 18 and yet I felt like I was the grown-up in the relationship (I'm 3 months older than him but what the hey).
He's 32?!! Tell him he'd better get his act together or you're looking for a baby machine with money...
That should keep him on his toes, lol.
Jack would also be the sweet guy I once knew after I told him what was in my heart and how we should make it better. But, then he'd always be a git and flirt with his exes or other girls or take the piss out of me in front of our friends...
I don't expect you to take any of my advice if you don't feel like you're better off without him but good luck with it all.
I know I'm better off. You should feel free at your age...or at least secure in a relationship.
2007-10-29 02:29:12 · answer #6 · answered by Lady Godiva 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Why do you stay with someone who makes you feel like crap? Is it because you want to say "yeah I have a boyfriend" to other people? I'm not judging you or anything, it's just I had a friend who only had a bf so she could be in the "in" crowd. Why not find someone else worthwhile? Everyone can be strong and independent without a romantic partner. Be a strong woman. You don't need anyone to complete you.
2007-10-29 02:19:58 · answer #7 · answered by Anonymous · 2⤊ 0⤋
Sounds like you are England but I am wondering is your boyfriends name Brandon?
Because he sounds just like my ex.
I am always mad, he works, he had money that is why he had a job. But going out was higher than me.
We have since parted our ways, its not my probnlem he can not get his priorities together. Oh yeah I love him, but I love me more. I would rather be happy, and stress free. And live me life instead of waiting for some knight in shining armour to take me out.
There are plenty of guys out there that would love to treat a girl good.
2007-10-29 02:20:49 · answer #8 · answered by baby_rost 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
i dont think your being wrong in feeling that way he does sound selfish and like he doesnt care i cant tell you what to do but he is 32 he probaly has always been and will always be this way thats who he is and if you dont find yourself happy with him not just some times all the time i know couples have their fights but it seems like he only treats you right once in awhile and no one deserves that i think its time to let him go and find someone you really deserve
2007-10-29 02:21:21 · answer #9 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
dump him b4 too late
the reason i say this is because i was in the same situation where i was him, and after a long hard look think about it(after we split up) i realized the reason i acted this way was because i did not love her, i just pretended for relationships sake.
It cut me up when we split, but now i know she is with someone who loves her properly, and not faking it.
now we are both happy
:-)
2007-10-29 02:17:13 · answer #10 · answered by Anonymous · 2⤊ 1⤋