Should parents teach their children not to talk to "strangers"?

Question

Everyone has heard the the child safety advice of "don't talk to strangers" however, it occurs to me that children need to learn and be comfortable with appropriate social ettiquette such as asking for assistance is stores, ordering food in restaurants, making small talk and being generally polite to people. I'm concerened that making children fear people they do not know could cripple their growth toward independence in the long run. Would teaching children how to appropriately talk to strangers be a better idea? What do others think about this topic?

Answer 1

Lets be realistic. Telling children not to talk to strangers is not the best way. I think that teaching children how to appropiately talk to strangers would be a better idea. They need to be comfortable in order to approach strangers if the need arrives. eg. asking for assistance if they are lost or in trouble.

They also need to know when not to talk to strangers. We don't approach people in the street or someone who pulls over in a car. Children also need to be taught to trust their instincts. If they do not feel safe. To go somewhere or to approach someone that could help. Not to accept food or gifts of random people. Teach politeness but not also not to be overly open. For example. If a stranger says hello. It is polite to say hello and smile. But leave it at that. Do not strike up conversation unless mom does.

It is a tricky one.

Answer 2

No we should always teach our children about stranger danger.
My daughters are 6 and 4 yrs old. And know not to talk to strangers, not to accept lollies off strangers, never ever to hop in a car with a stranger even if they say they know Mummy or Daddy.

Being out and about and asking for help in a store or ordering food is completely different. And although we do need to teach them to be polite we should never sacrifice their safety or well being for it.

My daughters do not talk to strangers unless I or their Father is present(not that we are ever not), in which case they seek our approval first to respond to any questions or accept compliments. No-one has ever felt that our children are rude or anything like that because they check with us first. Rather they are all happy and impressed that such small children are aware of the danger of strangers and do not engage in conversation with them.

They know it's OK to order food or ask for help in a store, they are not stupid. But weirdo's that approach them on the street, they are wary of.

Teaching children to be open and polite to strangers is just plain dangerous. I'd rather a well meaning person get offended by their rudeness than a paedophile taking advantage of their innocence and naivety.

Answer 3

I think for me it's more a case of teaching children about appropriate bounderies with strangers. I see your point, it would be rude for children to go out in public and not interact in a normal and socially acceptable way. I'm definitely big on manners with my children, and I'm teaching them from a very young age about socialisation.
I think it's important though to put more of an emphasis on protective behaviour, rather than a blanket "don't talk to strangers" statement.

For example, children should know that if they are lost and can't see you, to go to the person wearing the Zoo uniform (for example), at the desk, and tell them they need to call Mum or Dad. However, I would also explain that under no circumstances do you go anywhere with that person, you just stay where you are until your parent comes.
I also think children need to be aware of the danger that can come from people they actually know, considering that the majority of child abuse happens with relatives or family friends.

Generally, I just try to teach my children about bounderies in general, what is appropriate and what isn't, and that they need to be safe and comfortable with whoever they're with.
Great question!

Answer 4

Children should be taught not to talk to strangers. That doesn't mean they live in a vacuum. You should take your kids to visit the police and fire station, introduce them to the employees at the stores you visit, "See, at Target the people that can help you wear these vests..." and looking for a mom and then a dad with children to help them if all else fails. They should order food and pay for stuff.

However, they shouldn't feel that if the man that is the checker at Target comes up and talks to them in the park that they should have to be, "polite" and that something is seriously wrong if he does.

They should also learn that adults don't need help from children and somethings wrong when they ask for it. That it's ok and very polite to say, "I'm sorry, I'm not supposed to talk to strangers," because an adult should know better than to just come up and start talking to strange kids. They should learn that if a situation feels weird it's ok to tell the mommy next to them with kids, or the police man, or the person in the red vest that this person talking to them is a stranger.

And by all means, practice, practice, practice with your children to yell "STRANGER," if someone tries to take them. That if a car pulls up next to them on the street/sidewalk that they should walk into the yard and then up onto someones porch (it only takes 15 seconds for a perp to pull a kid in through the window and get them out of the neighborhood)

And...if someone that you don't know, or your kids don't know, starts talking to them and they act shy and don't answer, you need to be their advocate and stick up for them and your teaching and be comfortable saying, "My kids have been taught that it's ok not to talk to people they don't know well."

Answer 5

This is a tricky one, I explained to my daughter even if you know the grown up's name they are still a stranger because you don't know them only their name. She was confused about being polite I told her that shop assistants and teachers at school were ok to talk to but not to do anything that was not usual e.g. going somewhere with them, if there ever was a time she would have to do something different to normal the person would always give her our code word. What is an appropriate way to talk to a stranger, I think if the child is unsure it's best for them not to talk at all. We have been on the way to school and people have tried to talk to her and I just say point blank that she is not allowed to talk to strangers, isn't it better to be wary than get into difficulty.

I have also told my daughter she will never be in trouble with me for lying/kicking etc if she suppects someone is trying to hurt her, I've told her to do whatever she can to get away.

Answer 6

The conditions you speak of are for when children are a good bit older, so the general advice of "don't talk to strangers" is still pretty valid. Rather, the better bet is to teach them to not let strangers try to talk them into DOING anything (e.g., get into a car, go along to some non-public place, accept treats). Children need to have some sort of password agreement so that they will know that the adult who claims to be representing their parents, really IS representing them. But children need to be able to approach an adult if they need help, and not be fearful of 'talking to a stranger.' I and my wife, like most reasonable parents, didin't teach a rule as simple as you are making this one out to be.

Answer 7

It is true "stranger danger" is outdated, and you have a very valid point when it comes to teaching children how to interact with adults.

As far as safety is concerned, in his book "Protecting the Gift: How to Keep Children and Teenagers Safe (and Parents Sane)" Gavin de Becker explains that in fact a child WILL have to turn to a stranger for help in case of need. The key is to teach the child to trust his/her own instinct when approaching people.

Furthermore, a timid, silent child who expresses visible fear of strangers makes the perfect victim. Teach your child to speak up if s/he needs to - even to strangers - and they WILL be safer!

Answer 8

Manners are always important: You should teach kids to order for themselves, saying please and thank-you. They should know how to identify store employees and how to ask them for help. They should know who to go to if lost or in trouble. It is generally safe to go to another Mom, Moms will protect anybodys kids!

The trouble with "don't talk to strangers", is a child does not have the ability to determine what a stranger is.
Children may interpret
1. someone I never saw before
2. someone I think is strange/weird looking
3. an adult I don't know.
4. someone ugly
5. only someone I meet when I'm alone (no parent about)

Child predators are frequently:
1. someone your child sees regularly
2. pleasant, nice, funny, kind, generous
3. use another child as a lure!
4. Normal looking
5. can take a child right from under a parents nose if they so desire!


Children, need to be taught to look everyone straight in the eye,ask questions loudly - like"I don't know you and neither do my parents!", "I don't have permission to go with you!", "Go away, I don't know you"

Answer 9

Not talking to strangers isn't the same thing as not being friendly. You can teach your children to smile, and say hello when greeted.

They can also learn the difference between giving a waiter their food order, and getting into a strangers car.

At the end of the day, my daughter's safety and well being come before "social etiquette"

Answer 10

clearly what you tell them has to be age appropriate. If they are young enough to still be in a parent's presence at all times, you can make an example of it. If you're in the market and someone talks to the child, you can say "wasn't she a nice lady, asking us about strawberries? When mommy is with you it's okay to talk to people we don't know, but if kid's are alone they shouldn't". As they get older, I'd continue to stress that in group settings, or in "official" settings, when ordering food or asking for help it is okay, but just to make general chit chat, it's not.