How do I get my 12 yr old son and his Step Dad to get along?

Question

My husband and I have been married for 4 years this Thanksgiving. My oldest son was 5 when my ex and I divorced and he was 6 when I met my new Husband. They got along great and DH loves my son as if he were his own. DH and I had a baby boy 2 years ago, and all seemed well in my household - until recently. My 12 year old is constantly testing the waters lately; doesn't do chores that he is supposed to do, is slacking off in school more lately, and seems to be "butting heads" with his Stepfather more and more over every little thing.

Could it be that he's hormonal because he's starting puberty and that's making him more unbearable? Could it be that my DH and my son are too much alike and seem to be more and more like oil and water? Does anyone have any suggestions as to what I can do to get my son to respect my husband more, and my DH to be a little more understanding to my 12 yr old?

Answer 1

I like the other answers as well, but here's my $.02. I went through essentially the same thing as your son when I was young. My mother never re-married, but she did have a few long-term boyfriends, and we had mixed success in terms of getting along

It could be any number of factors causing it: Hormones, missing his father being around/wondering why it couldn't work out, confusion, jealousy of the child you and your new husband had together, challenging authority, etc... it's hard to say really. It's sort of a rite of passage for boys to challenge their father at some point as well, and for me, that will to challenge was amplified by the "you're not my dad" mentality. I had a lot of rage at that age, but I grew out of it.

The important thing is that your husband doesn't make it worse. You can't force respect - it is earned. Your husband HAS to be understanding... I mean, he's an adult dealing with a 12 year old - a boy who going through a hard time in his life. He's got hormones, his life is changing, his emotions are raging, and he has feelings he himself may not fully understand. I know I caused some stress in my mother's relationships, but that's part of the package when you're with a woman who has kids.

They should find ways to spend time together. Like someone above said - no pressure situations. They need to relax, bond, and find mutual interests. Don't force it, though... that will probably make it worse.

Answer 2

He's 12 years old and thinks he's a "big shot." Probably time to ground or take away until he gets the big picture.

No chores .... no music (1 week)

Slacking School .... no TV (1 week)

Puberty is most likely the culprit. But that doesn't mean he gets out of doing his chores or continues slacking off at school.

He has decided he's going to make his own choices. With most 12 yr. olds the choices are usually the wrong choices, which is pretty obvious. When you do the "take away" thing expect more noise from him. It'll be, "I didn't do anything," or
"It's not fair" and anything else he might throw in.

Take it a week at a time with the take away, because things may start piling up. In other words you add to the list of take aways.

When your son and DH go round and round, quietly leave the room and go to another, even if it means the bathroom. That way they don't have an audience and they have to settle it themselves.

You'll most likely will be dealing with the top portion, so DH can deal with bottom portion. In other words It gets divided 50/50.

Don't forget you still have the two year old to take care of. Can divide that 50/50 too.

As far as respecting DH don't count on any miracles until your son learns to start growing up a little more. He's not respecting anyone right now, but that may change with the take away.

Your son has two choices to make GOOD .....BAD. That's all he needs to know and he does no. It only takes those two words.

Home work. See how far he'll take it and go from there.

Hang on, roads going to be bumpy for awhile. Just don't give in to the rules.

Good Luck

Answer 3

You did not say if your son's father was still in the picture, and that might be the problem.

Put your foot down now before he gets any older. Tell him that what DH says goes, and that is that. Tell him that you love him and his brother both, but that you will not put of with this type of behavior out of either of them. (Include the brother because he is probably a little jealous of the baby) Tell him that if you have to come sit in his classroom and embarrass him in front of his friends, he is going to pay attention to his school work. Tell him that when he doesn't behave, he is going to lose privileges, and get time outs. Don't get in between DH and your son, and try to solve the problem, just back your husband up. Your son will try to get you to take his side. Do not even discuss it in front of your son, even if you disagree with your husband. You and your husband should always talk in private, and keep a united front.

My guess is this. You son is not getting the attention that his brother is because the baby is younger, and the baby is doing a lot of cute things right now that grabs attention. Try to notice things about your son that will make him feel good too, and ask your husband to do the same.

This is very typical of children that are that many years apart, regardless of the parent and step parent situation. Remember that he had all of the attention before. It just makes it harder for the child to understand, because he may think that it is because he is not your husband's child, even though your husband loves him.

Answer 4

Hi I have been married twice and both times were stepfamilies. Over the years I have come to the conclusion that its too easy too blame normal family problems on the fact that we are stepfamilies. At the age of twelve its perfectly normal for your son to start challenging the norms of family life. I think he would do it to his own dad if he lived with him. perhaps being a step in these siutations has some effect, but i would say its more about teens than steps.

As to solutions, going for a walk or a hike together can be good, or doing something practical like painting a bedroom together. When they are both occupied physically you may find they begin to talk and stuff starts to get sorted. Good luck

Answer 5

I suggest you sit them both down and tel them that you love them both but they are making you miserable with their fighting. Explain that they need to get along and maybe suggest bloke things that they can do together i.e football match, car racing. Your son is at an age where he will try and push boundaries anyway and if it had been his biological dad you were with he would be just as testing. Your husband needs to also realise it is nothing personal but simply the trials of living with a pre-teen.
My daughter is 14 and her and her step father were extremly close until she reached 12 or 13 and suddenly they started fighting too but thannkfully we seem to be coming through the other side.

Answer 6

You cannot MAKE anybody respect somebody else. That is something that is between the two of them.
You as parents must present a united front to the kids. That is their security. The two of you make up the rules and stick to them together. When they see you agreeing and you showing respect to your husband they will learn from that.

Another thing, please do not talk down to children. A lot of adults do that and it is very hurtful. Something we did with our boys was we each had alone time with each of them. It could be something as simple as going to the gas station together or to the store. I used to take each of our boys out for lunch and they could have dessert if they wanted. Guys generally have different interest than moms. Maybe they both like cars. How about a car show. That would give them something to talk about without anybody else muscling in.

Yes, when they turn 12 they become Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. lol But you will all survive. Trust me. We did.

Answer 7

Well I remember when I was 12, sounds just like me and it was with my natural father. 12 year old boys are going to test the waters. Have you ever seen animal planet? It is kinda like the male lions that just got their new mane. They think the are tough stuff but really they aren't. What got my father and I closer was bowling. We joined a Saturday morning father son team and 15 years later, we still bowl together. We also got into fishing together. It's something you can just sit there and be quiet but you are bonding somehow. We still do that together too. I'd go for group activities were they both have to be civil because they are in public, or manly things like hunting or fishing. No words just emotional bonding time.

Answer 8

When my son was 12 he went through a very cocky stage,he thought he could do what he liked,and it caused quite a few problems between him and me,luckily now 13and a half,he has turned out quite a nice boy,still a bit sulky ,but much better.We used to sit him down now and again and have like a little family meeting to air our views(make it nice and relaxed if possible).If these guys love you to bits then surely they will make an effort to get on a little bit more and make you a bit happier,because obviously you deserve it.I do sympothise with you,and wish you the best of luck

Answer 9

Yeah it's called a sit down, make your husband and son sit down together with you and talk about it . Don't stand for any nonsense from your hubby or your son, they are to both no that you are not and will not take sides you tell both of them there faults let them find a way to work things out together. Let them both know that there is no wrong or right person here they are both at fault they both need to find a way to come together . Pay attention look and see who's the one starting and who does not want to comply . Let them know that there actions are hurting you and if they both love you they would try and work something out . LOL

Answer 10

Dont be hard on your son. He misses his dad and probably hates all this new husband stuff. But since he is still young he has to tolerate this new family that you have created. He is also going through teenage and needs tender loving care and understanding. Its very hard on children giving them new famlies and new brothers from new husbands. Its a hard life.He must be so sad inside with all the pain he has to bear.