Help with a Sister in Law?

Question

Long story short my fiance and I decided to have a small wedding party of two people each. I had decided not to have his sister in my party after she got pregnant and couldn't pay her bills (she couldn't even afford milk one day) When she found out she wasn't included I told her in the nicest way possible without even letter her know I was once considering her for a bridesmaid.

Now after suffering a miscarriage she has it out for me. She is going to family friends (not family) telling them how she wasn't allowed to be in the wedding and carrying on to the point where family friends are calling my future mother in law asking why I won't have her in the wedding.

What can I do to make this better without inviting her in the wedding? At 33 years old she should realize that she can't get everything she wants - especially when she can't buy a gallon of milk for her and her son.

And also - she is coming to the wedding - I'd never say she couldn't. But I don't think she can afford a dress and everything else involved. I rather see my godson have milk and toys and clothes instead of her having a bridesmaid dress and other things.

And one more thing - my fiance was the one who told me finally NOT TO have her the wedding party because he didn't want his sister to continue with her screwed up money priorities. I was mulling it over for a long time because I didn't want to offend anyone.

I understand her miscarriage may have alot to do with it. I've been in her shoes before - and I know the pain and how it messes with your emotions.

AND AGAIN! SHE IS COMING TO THE WEDDING!!!!!!!!!! She just wouldn't be a bridesmaid. Jesus... what do you take me for? I'm not that mean.

Answer 1

I think SIL may have a lot on her mind right now, a lot of painful stuff, and this is just one more issue for her -- feeling unwanted on top of all the financial problems and the emotional pain of losing a child. You might expect some irrational behavior from her for some time due to the miscarriage alone... disruptions or changes to reproductive hormones can really mess up your emotions. (Postpartum depression or psychosis sound familiar? Not that she has this, necessarily, but certainly having been pregnant could have messed up her emotional brakes temporarily.)

Just to clarify: You decided not to add to her financial burdens by asking her to pay for a dress/shoes/etc. Right? It's not that you don't like her (although she's probably frustrating you right now!) or don't want her around... you just thought that being a bridesmaid would be an expense she didn't need.

Well, now she's upset... and yup, you are going to have to deal with her for the rest of your marriage... with some kindness and patience and as much sense of humor as you can possibly scrape together. And I don't want to offend anyone, but that "It's your day," phrase makes me want to scream. Yeah, it's your day... but you are going to have to deal with the people in your life, and in your husband-to-be's life, after "the day" is over. I think that "it's your day" phrase is an excuse for being pretty selfish for a lot of people.

Some possible solutions: Unless you cannot (now, after her tattle-taling and making you look bad) stand the idea of her being in the wedding, would you consider having her do a reading? Would your MIL pay for her dress? And if you can't stand the idea now, you must talk to your MIL and tell her the whole story, including how hurt you are about SIL telling people a skewed version of it.

If you can talk to her, you probably need to tell her that you're very hurt that there's been a misunderstanding between the two of you, and you want to make sure that she knows you wanted her to participate but you thought that the cost would be tough for her. Ask if she still wants to do it, knowing that the outfit would be XX$ and any other obligations she would have might come to XX$... or whether she would just rather join you in the reception line as a family member. I honestly think you're going to have to have a conversation with her, maybe involving your fiance' as a person who loves the two of you, and just tell her that you're sorry she feels left out and that's not what you intended...

I wish you well.

Answer 2

You said: "I rather see my godson have milk and toys and clothes instead of her having a bridesmaid dress and other things." Why don't you tell your SIL and everyone else in the family this? If she wants to come to your wedding, tell her not to buy a new dress or anything else (not even a gift, if that's what you want). If she needs a dress, do you have an extra one handy? Not a bridesmaid's dress, just a dress you can loan her for the day (or forever) so she can look nice.

I agree people can have twisted priorities. Stick to your guns.

Answer 3

She has bad priorities.

It's like my friend who couldnt pay her light bill but went to Walamart and picked up some useless figurines to paint....then bitched because nobody came to her party since there wasn't electricty. We all tried to help her. I would buy a weeks worth of groceries for an overnight visit and then "forget them". Her mom was constantly giving her loans, her sister's always loaned her their cars so she could go on job interviews. But, some people just don't want to be helped. They would rather whine and complain about how it's not their fault because that's easier.

There's nothing you can do but take comfort in the fact that ultimately you did the right thing by not allowing her the irrespoinsibilty of accepting when she couldn't afford it. The family knows her issues and if they agree that she should have been a bridesmaid they are just as featherbrained as she sounds.

Answer 4

U r absolutely right and u don't owe her anything. The bridesmaids r ur close ppl and if she wasn't chosen then she needs to accept that. And u have ur hubby-to-be supports and thats what really counts. We all know weddings can be costly but u can't really base ur answer on someone elses finances it's really not right and maybe she was just having a bad money week. All u should have to do is tell her that she wasn't chosen *** u terrific two and that's it. U don't have to explain nothing to her it's UR wedding. She can start running and telling ppl all she wants and that's just gonna make her look bad. don't worry be happy. Congrats and Good Luck!!

Answer 5

Your fiance, her brother, should handle this. You are not officially in the family yet. This is his wedding, too .. and his sister. He should handle it.

Whatever you do .. whether nice, or not nice .. will last a life time.

If she is coming to the wedding - then try to help her out. By helping her out - you will be helping yourself out, at the same time. See what you can do to get her the proper attire to wear to the wedding. Maybe several people can all chip in to help. By doing this, she would look nice at the wedding .. which would solve your problem .. and it would make her feel good by looking nice. If she is coming - then let her come .. and let it be. Let her come in peace. And you have peace about it .. and don't discuss it any more.

If you do NOT let her come to the wedding .. she will never forget it. And .. it may make you feel so badly about your fiance's sister .. and her brother .. that it could put a cloud over your wedding .. and your wedding day.

On that special day, and YOU are the BRIDE .. you will have a LOT more on your mind than if your sister-in-law is there - and what she is wearing. She will earn her own merits. And you will earn yours.

If you definetly do NOT let her come to your wedding .. then let it be that she cannot come .. make your decision .. then let it go. You have to stand by your decision, and your word. Try to think of the future consequences .. when your wedding has dimmed somewhat .. and you cannot go back to that day.

It is your wedding. And your husband's wedding. Let him handle his family.

Answer 6

You got a bigger problem than the disgruntled sister in law. What is up with your future husband. He didn't have the balls enough to tell his sister she was out himself and...AND he doesn't stand up for you when she is running around bad mouthing you. What is he doing about his sister's behavior? Why is he allowing his bride to be harrassed when HE is the reason for the mess in the first place? You are gonna have to live with these people and this is how he is gonna stand up for you?

Tell this sister fine, ok you want to be in the wedding well you need to have x y and z and it costs whatever it costs and she will have to have the money and get these things by such and such a time. Tell her and then let it go. Odds are she does not have the money and if she does then let her walk in the procession. She is no longer pregnant and it might help to patch things up and make for a smoother relationship between you two. The wedding is one day your relationship with this woman will go on for the rest of your marriage. IF she choose to pay for wedding things instead of feeding her child all those family friends that are so upset and concerned will see for themselves that you were trying to do her a favor.

I still would have a few choice words for that wimp you are about to marry, if I still wanted to marry him. It ain't gonna get better and it is most likely to get worse. If he will not stand up to his family for you now forever is a loooong time to be hostile and fighting with his family and he stands aside and allows it to happen.

Answer 7

You are in a very tough situation. If you don't have her in the wedding, you will probably hear about it for the rest of your life. On the other hand, you are entitled to decide which friends or family members you feel closest to when selecting your wedding party. You won't like my answer, but for the sake of your future husband, I think you should make peace with his sister even if it means including her in your wedding. She's clearly upset and she's going to bring the same negativity to your wedding that she's bringing to your engagement. You don't need that.

Answer 8

Oh I had the same problem with my husbands sister. She wanted to be a bridesmaid.. When I told her we weren't having anyone up there with us she flipped out. She said, "Well it's my brothers wedding to. if he's up there I will be up there." My husband told her in no certain terms is she to ruin our wedding.. She didn't that day.. but the next day she told me right in front of my husband, "You took my brother away from me. I will NEVER like you." She still doesn't. So you know you do. You let her come to the wedding, but you tell her your tired of hearing her mouth.. and to knock it off or she's not coming to the wedding at all. She's making it difficult for y ou and your fiancee. and your future mil.
Good luck.

Answer 9

I have mixed feelings about this one. On one hand, this whole thing isn't worth the ongoing grief. On the other hand, my guess is that this won't end with this one incident. You'll probably have problems with her for a long time.

So, I'm going to tell you something you don't want to hear. In your dealings with her (and you should limit them as much as you can nicely do), you must be squeaky clean. You must always give her the benefit of a doubt; and you must always treat her way, way more nicely than she deserves. This is essential, because, if you do, when she goes yakking around behind your back, most people will just know that she's full of it.

Remember, this is your husband's sister, and you will have to live with her for a very long time.

A happy marriage to you.

Answer 10

you have done all you can and you have tried to explain as nice as you can why she can't be in the wedding party... it might be a nice idea to sit her down and remind her who's wedding it actually is.. let her know that if you were to include her then you would have to sacrifice one of your best friends and your not prepared to do that... It might be an idea to speak to your mother in law and let her know why sister in law isn't in the wedding party... at the end of the day it is your wedding and you deserve to be happy and no have your sis in law causing **** for you