My mother thinks what I am doing this summer is unnecessary?

Question

So I am going on a trip to Ecuador for 4 weeks. It's a college planned trip. I am a mother of one and I am 19. My son will be 3 at the time of the trip and I will be 20. My mom said to me that she thinks "I am going on a 4 week vacation and mothers don't do that stuff after they have a child. You don't think he will miss you." I do not think that this is considered a vacation I am going to volunteer and get expeirence from the outside world. I understand a mother has her duties but this is not like I am leaving him for a year. Or trying to live in india or something. Besides have you ever felt like there was a calling for you to go some where. That being there will teach you a lot about your self? That is how I feel. I also know that taking care of my self will also benifit my son. I am one of those people that are always looking to learn. And I am not planning on doing this every year. This will probably be the only time in a long time. Your opinion, thanks.

He has father and no I don't want her to baby sit. His father will. Just because I am not 19 does not mean he does not have a father.

My mother actually wants to babysit will while I am gone.

Answer 1

I think your son will be fine. Hes gonna get back a Mommy who is happier and has broadened her horizons and knows more about the world and helping people and how other people live. A Mother whos doing some good in the world and can show him its a good thing to follow your dreams and make a difference. I reckon he would rather have that than one who didn't go and regrets it forever. And imagine the photos you can show him when he gets older...he will be so inspired..look what myyy mom did at 19 type thing. You are setting a good example. Yes he will miss you but he will have his Dad and it will be a good bonding time for them. And as long as he has lots of postcards and email and phone calls to look forward to I think he will be fine. He will get used to it for a month. Just agree to disagree with your mother. I bet she wishes she could have done the trip herself at your age.
Have groovy day Heidi :]]]

Answer 2

See how not putting crucial details up front affects the answers you get?

It would have been better if you'd said in the original Details that he will be staying with his father.

What you have left out is, what's his relationship with his father? Do they spend a lot of time together? Is he attentive?

It IS a long time, and he will feel abandoned by you. Will you be able to call him at least several times a week?

The way you talk about it does sort of sound vacationy. Talking about learning a lot about yourself, rather than how it's a career move (that is, you're getting experience that will help you get a job after college) might help your mother see it less as a vacation.

I really don't know whether I think you should go or not. I suppose, if you're prepared to deal with the feelings of abandonment your son will have when you get back, and accept whatever feelings he expresses about it all (including his being mad at you), it might not be too damaging to him.

Do the math. At three, he has very little living memory -- maybe little more than a year.

So it will be 1/12 of his life -- that's equivalent to over a year of your life. That makes it seem like a long time, doesn't it?

On the other hand, it would be a very good thing for you.

As I say, without knowing mroe about his situation while you're gone (how things are with his father), it's hard to say.

Are you living with the father?

Maybe try this question again, but giving all the relevant details up front.

Answer 3

You don't specify...but I assume your mother is the one who will be taking care of your son while you are fulfilling your "mission." This, impliedly, gives her the right to an opinion. If, for example, you had made other arrangements for your son, then her opinion would not carry as much weight. If you and your son also live with her then it is rather contradicting for you to make "independent" decisions and choices...while still being dependent on your mother.

All of that aside, if you were/are truly independent I do not believe your choice is inherently damaging to your son. Of course your mother's argument that moms do not take four week vacations has some ring of truth, my philosophy has always been that a mother is the best she can be when she is first happy and fulfilled as a person...then she is able to be a happy and more giving mother. However, all of this takes on a different perspective if you are still dependent on your own mother.

Answer 4

Well, it's a little hard to answer not knowing the TOTALITY of what is going on with the raising of the kid, the level of stability and normalcy he experiences and the maturity of his father and so forth. I'm a little surprised at the reaction you got from so many, while it's certainly true you have this priority as a mother, if the kid is going to be in a stable and safe environment and with a parent who WANTS to take care of him, I don't see this trip as such a huge problem as some have suggested. Get a cheap globe, show him on the globe where you are going beforehand, and let him keep the globe closeby so he can always refer to it, and so his father can also talk to him about where you are and re-enforce that you will return soon.

Answer 5

I think having a child so young means there are a lot of 'callings' you will not be able to do for a long time. Your first duty is to your child, but you really should only not do something if it is going to impact your child negatively. 4 weeks is a very long time so you need to assess how your child deals with being away from you,how independent he is, the relationship of the person he will be staying with, what his personality is like and how you will keep in contact with him regularly. Only you can make this decision but I personally would not do it with a 3 year old. I believe that it could be damaging and make him feel insecure. Good luck whatever you choose.

Answer 6

I understand where you may feel like you need to go or this is your calling or what not, but you mother is right. I am a young mother 22 with two children one almost three and one 8 months. I would love to get away sometimes, but in the same sense I couldnt live without them even for 2 weeks. I think you need to rethink your priorities. You said, "its not like I am leaving him for a year" really think about that statement. your son who is two who sees you maybe 50 percent of his life, because you are already out and going to school, loves you so much, to him 4 weeks is a year, he doesnt understand the concept of time. I really think you are being selfish, who will watch him? your mom, how is that fair? regardless if it was a vacation or school associated you are leaving when its just an option, your trying to go with your friends over seas, leaving your son behind with your mom for four weeks, dont you know that you are the last thing your son thinks about at night? do you think that maybe everyday that you are gone he wont sit and think that maybe your not coming back? You are being very young here, you place is at home with your son period!

Answer 7

well i think it is wrong what you are doing, think of it like this. I'm your son I'm 3 i don't fully understand why you are going cause what you feel about the calling does not exist in my world. I'm 3! in my world are every days games and adventures. colors people I'm used to. well i know you are going somewhere where i can't go I'll miss you and wont understand why you left me. you said i done nothing wrong you have to do this for your life, but every time i think of you i think i did something to make you go away.(maybe you mentioned to someone that it will give you a break from all this trouble being a young mum in his presence.)

you might end up with a son who will be for ever scared to part from you, cause of that childhood memory, he probably forgot but the feeling is embedded in his brain.

you are his mother if you would have done it 60 years back he would have died in a broken cruel world. what gives you the right to be selfish before your son even knows what it means?

sorry if i am being that honest, and might have given you a bad conscience but your son wont understand why should i.
Terry

Answer 8

It is unnecessary, and a month is a long time to take a vacation from your 3 year old. But hey, you're not going to pick this answer because you just want endorsements...not answers.

There are plenty of learning opportunities that don't require you to go to Ecuador and dump your childcare responsibilities on someone else, even if it's the father.

If you were in the military and got deployed to Ecuador for 30 days, that's one thing. Going there "to find yourself" is different.

Answer 9

You don't say who is taking care of the boy while you're gone. If it is your husband or father of the boy and he can handle it, then do it.
If your mom is the one keeping him that is a heavy burden to lay on her for 4 weeks. Even if that doesn't bother her, she may not have said it correctly when she said you were taking a vacation but she does have a good point that once you become a mother you do have to curb your own activities for the betterment of the child. Your only 19 now. Is it possible to still take the trip in 2 - 5 years when the boy will be more mature and can handle his mom leaving better?
It is good that you are still going to school and want to better yourself but if you are the only parent of a child it kind of puts you in a place where you sometimes have to say no to things. That doesn't mean you have to quit trying to better yourself you just may have to do it slower. Your young, take care of your boy, you have lots of years to reach your goals.
Good Luck.

Answer 10

It's up to you really. It is nice to have a break from children because they are a full time job. You may feel bad about leaving your son for a while, but your mother certainly isn't helping you make the decision you want to make by making you feel worse.

Ignore your mother for now, you are an adult human being and you can make your own decisions now. You don't have to look to your parents for advice anymore. Most new parents would jump at the opportunity for a break on their own because they have been working so hard to take care of their children.

I think it would be wise to take a break, but you make your own decision.