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I constantly feel sad when I look at my 15 year old daughter's life.

She has not had a good childhood. When she lived with her father, he basically ignored her and did not help her with her schoolwork or give her rides to different places easily.

He moved and now sent her to me in a different state. She does not have many friends and has had to adjust to living with me and dealing with my parents. She is used to her dad and grandmother and has been brought up by them.

I feel bad because she has not had a life like her peers and friends with a stable family and good social life. She has had to struggle and really raise herself.

I am doing as much as I can now, but it is not enough and may be too late.

I constantly feel like crying when I see how she is doing. Its not how I envisioned her or my life.

I wish I could have given her a better life with stability and more happiness.

2007-10-28 03:21:23 · 10 answers · asked by Stareyes 5 in Family & Relationships Family

10 answers

You know the saying "you can't cry over spilt milk" well this is a good example. There is absolutely NOTHING you can do to change the past, but you can make the present and the future the best you have to offer her.

First, though, sit down and tell her what you said here, that you are very sorry that her childhood was not idealic and that you really wish that she had had a childhood which was more like the majority. However you have to tell her that since there is nothing you can do to erase the past or make it different or better that you would like for the two of you to work on the making the present and future the best it can be for the two of you.

How about starting with some counseling. Contact your health insurance carrier for referrals, and if you don't have health insurance contact your local Catholic charities office or county health department (both offer free or reduced charge therapies).

Next, both of you should write a list of what would make you happy - both for yourself (as an individual) and as a family (daughter/mother) and share it with each other and look for ways to help each other to accomplish those things which will make you each happy.

Estabish "family" traditions for the two of you (cook a big Thanksgiving dinner for just the two of you, or invite elderly neighbors or seniors over to share and give thanks). Dress up for Halloween and hand out the candy together and laugh at the kids and each other.

Make a "memory" book for each other as part of your Christmas presents to each other and make sure to leave lots of blank pages for future use.

Make sure to talk to your daughter about her father and discuss how she feels about his leaving and her new life with you. Kids are pretty resilient and if you are there to support her she should come through this with flying colors.

Also, make sure to take at least one day every other week for just the two of you time, go out for a pizza and a movie or walk through the park and talk about what life's giving you right now. Appreciate the time together, and know that you don't have to fill the whole time together with words, just sharing the same space can be rewarding.
Good luck and God Bless.

2007-10-29 06:19:18 · answer #1 · answered by tersey562 6 · 0 0

I am guessing that the reason she was living with her father was because at the time he could best provide for her. you cannot change the past. I know that all parents wish they could give their child a better life but we all do the best we can. I am sure that your daughter can make new friends if she puts effort into it. I have a 17 year old step-daughter who has lived with me since she was 8 years old. it has been her choice to try and make people feel sorry for her because she was taken away from her mother and step father. I have done all I can do and it is way past time that she helps herself. I am not saying your daughter is like her but do you think maybe she is trying to make you feel guilty so that you will give her everything she wants? Explain to her that she should be happy that she has family that loves her because alot of kids have no one.enroll her in some clubs at school or perhaps in your town. you cannot keep blaming yourself for the past. Love your daughter but do not feel sorry for things you had no control over.

2007-10-28 03:51:11 · answer #2 · answered by mama bear 2 · 1 0

It's never to late to step up and do the right thing. She needs your time and attention more than ever. Her life is at a crossroads right now. She can very easily choose the wrong course without the guidance of a parent that loves her and cares about what happens to her.
Try not to focus on what has happened to you in the past. Focus on what is the now. I would imagine that she feels some resentment about growing up in her past situation. Try to talk to her about this. You both should get some counseling from a professional.

2007-10-28 04:42:31 · answer #3 · answered by Cleo 5 · 0 0

Take her to family counseling, and encourage her to get individual counseling. You're trying to make up for the life she had when her father had her, and you have to come to terms with the fact that the past is the past. Your efforts now should be positive. Even now that she's 15 years old, she's a child, and she can probably pick up on your own depression and sadness, so you need to bring positivity back into both of your lives. But really, I think you need to attend counseling with her and let her get her own private counseling. It can help more than you know, and bring you closer together. Keep open communication with her, and let her know through actions and words that you love her. Let her know that she can talk to you about anything. Let her know you trust her. Set boundaries for her, and don't be afraid to discipline her when she needs it. Try not to look at what she's missed out on... you can help her by letting her be a kid. Try not to hold up to what you had wished for her, but what you can do for her now. {{{HUG}}}

2007-10-28 03:31:34 · answer #4 · answered by ♛Qu€€n♛J€§§¡¢a♛™ 5 · 1 0

I think that you should tell her the way you feel and you want to help. A lot of kids have to go through hard times, if you realize your mistakes then just try to make it better, its never too late. Hope it works out, good-bye.

2007-10-28 04:31:14 · answer #5 · answered by Anonymous · 0 0

i do not many times tell human beings, for that very reason. I knew one guy who ought to assert, "Oh whats up, it really is the atheist" type of stuff. One woman all started lecturing me. Who desires that crap. I in simple terms keep it to myself, as i ought to like them to maintain their ideals to themselves. on your project, although, you've been in simple terms discussing a e book. you need to in destiny in simple terms say such issues as, "i'm no longer fairly non secular" or "That stuff isn't my element" in case you get the feeling they're very non secular. I many times in simple terms communicate being an atheist if i bump into out they're, too, or in the experience that they ask and seem fascinated, no longer shocked. BTW, I honestly have replaced my perspectives slightly in accordance with studies with what should be referred to as ghosts. Now i'm more suitable of a Spiritualist, which tries to get to the bottom of what lies previous without attributing it to a deity or some thing supernatural. (techniques you, there are one of those viewpoints interior of Spiritualism even though it really is the single i like.)

2016-10-23 02:37:28 · answer #6 · answered by jepsen 4 · 0 0

stop feeling sorry for yourself and start giving her the life she deserves get off of your a** she your child you are the parent start husling to get what she needs if you have one job get two being a parent means you have to sacrifice time money and yourself feeling sorry will not get her a better life feeling sorry wont comfort her and love her the way she needs to know love get real swallow your humility and pride and start showing her what she needs to see sit down and talk with her apoligize hold her tell her you love her and get to work

2007-10-28 03:38:45 · answer #7 · answered by Diamond 3 · 0 3

it is never to late you do your best that is all you can do no more and no less

2007-10-28 03:38:33 · answer #8 · answered by Bev P 2 · 1 0

Some of the earlier answers had some good ideas.

You can’t change what happened, but you can change what is happening now and that is what you should concentrate on. Family counseling should help you and her relate better and give you some ideas to open the lines of communication. Living in the past is not the way to go, it is the way to feel sorry for yourself and drown in self pity.

The old sit down and talk is a good way to start, but practice your listening skills. When I was a teenager my father had a habit of talking AT me not TO me. What he said was gospel and what I had to say had not meaning in the conversation. That won’t work with a teenager, they are starting to show their own independence and become their own person and a common trait is to strike out at their parents. So you need to talk with her and get her input and actually listen to it and try to accept her good ideas. Even if she doesn’t have any good ideas you can try to accept some of what she is wanting to do. She needs more input on her own life. She has been shuttled around and resents that so she wants control over her own life.

A good thing to do might be to give her a cell phone and a liberal allowance, but make her responsible for paying for the cell phone bill. This will give her some experience in handling bills and it will teach her that texting the entire world all day may not be the best fiscal decision. It will also help her budget her money. Expect failure, that always happens at first; but it would be better for her to fall a month or two behind on the cell phone bill and then ask for you help rather than to do so when she is out on her own and can’t ask you. The Jitterbug cell phone is a cheap one that has not video camera or texting capability. This could be a safety issue since teens have admitted to texting while driving and pretty soon she is going to get the bug to get behind the wheel.

Once she earns her learners permit you should let her drive, adding her to your insurance won’t be as expensive as having a male and you can look for an insurance plan that offers a teen contract. These contracts make the teen promise to not drink and drive as well as to not use the cell phone while driving.

Another words give her freedoms and responsibility that she hasn’t had before and she is going to feel more in control of her life. Sure she will mess up, but that is part of being a teenager and if you are there to pick up the pieces and make sure she doesn’t fall too far then she will learn to appreciate your more; especially if you keep your lectures short.

Everyone has to have chores in the household, but when they do them and how can be up to them; as long as they get done it doesn’t really matter how and when. If she wants to go out and hasn’t taken out the trash then that can wait, but if she hasn’t put the trash out to be picked up on trash day it cannot.

Does she cook? Do you? Can you show her how to cook, a task that you both do together will provide a bonding exercise. It will also give her a valuable lesson, and you can let her express herself in what the choices are for dinner. I bet she has never had to decide what the family will have for dinner before. Freedoms don’t have to be huge, they just have to be significant and have some real effect. A decision on dinner won’t harm you, you can help her to make sure it doesn’t, and it will give her experience in what she will be doing as an adult.

How is she doing on her homework and does she need your assistance? You may have to pick up on your own learning and knowledge to help her; technology and education continues to advance after we leave school. But, the bonding experience and the real help for her could be an excellent way to form a bond with her. I know that I was afraid to ask my father for help in algebra and when I was finally forced to he never gave me the lecture, he never yelled at me, he only tired his best to help me. I could see it cost him and made him angry when I seemed to be too dense. But, this literal rocket scientist dumbed himself down enough to help me and I was able to do well in algebra, geometry and advanced algebra.

I know a man who has trouble reading. So I decided to ask him if he wanted my help, when he said yes I loaned him a book and sat with him to help him read. I found out what one of his problems was and I made it easier for him. I told him let me be your dictionary, let me be the one who hears you read and I promise to never laugh at your and to never think poorly of you. He has become one of my best friends because of the help I offered him. It only cost me a little time, I was greatly rewarded for that time.

Find out her hobby and interests and try to get involved, not as a leader, but make her the leader, ask her what to do and what she wants to do. If she gets to take the lead then she will not feel like you are trying to take over her hobby or her life. If she is in charge then she will get more freedom, more responsibility, and that important issue of more control.

All teens rebel and one big reason is because they want to become their own person. However they are still growing and don’t have the self control that an adult has so they often act out in improper fashions, even cruel. It is because their brain has not finished maturing yet and because they are living in a sea of raging hormones and changes. It is like always trying to live through that “time of the month” (your period), and that is true for even the guys.

She wants your help, your love, your understanding, and her freedom, her own control, and her own self expression. Let her spread her wings and be there to pick up the pieces when she falls, and be happy with her successes and tolerant with her failures. It is a difficult time for all parties involved and she needs to be taken seriously. She may not be experienced enough to make the right decisions, but if she is never given the chance to make her own decisions and to fail then she won’t learn. I know it is hard to see her fail, but you often learn more from your failures than from your successes. If you let her do what she wants and are there to help when she needs it, and don’t lecture her about it, she will feel closer to you. It sure won’t help your blood pressure when you see her seemingly foolish decisions, but she needs that freedom. You also need to have her father on board with this.

Remember that you are offering her the better life and stability that she needs and you are going to let her become happier. You can use those thoughts to try and repair what you couldn't help and the past that you can't change.

2007-10-28 06:02:37 · answer #9 · answered by Dan S 7 · 1 0

should have thought about this before you had her

2007-10-28 03:34:13 · answer #10 · answered by Anonymous · 0 3

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