Afraid to take a chance, afraid to miss something amazing?

Question

This is so much longer than I expected it to be, so bear with me. Some background info on me first... I'm in the US military, and currently stationed in Germany, but I'll be separating soon, and heading back home to the states to go back to school. I was married a few years ago for two years, and it ended in a divorce that I didn’t want. Since then I’ve been afraid to give myself to someone. Until recently, I had been single for about two years. I'd been out on plenty of dates, and hadn't met anyone who I felt a connection with. I recently came back to Europe after a four month deployment to the Middle East, and I decided a few months before I left that I was not going to date anyone before I headed back to the states, because I didn't want to leave Europe with any regrets.

Life sometimes doesn't agree with the choices we make for ourselves. I met someone while I was deployed, and initially had no interest in giving him a chance. It took some work on his part, but I opened up, and now I have found someone who I have an amazing connection with. He is in the Royal Air Force, lives in England, and I’ve known him for about 4 ½ months. We decided 2 ½ months ago that we wanted to be exclusive. At this point we have a long distance relationship (we are both back in Europe now), something I promised myself I would not do. For now, it’s rather easy for us to see each other, since flying in Europe is cheap and easy. But in a few months, when I move, I just don’t know what is going to happen.

Let me just say, I KNOW that we have not been together long, so don’t need anyone to tell me that. But that is the problem. By the time I leave, if everything keeps going the way it is going now, we will have been together about six months. And then what? It is not long enough to make any major decisions, but I don’t know if I can bear such a distance between me and someone I am dating. Even if he wanted to come to the US to see what happens, he could only stay a few months without a visa. Our options are so limited. We can maintain the distance, but never really get a chance to be together and know if we have a future, or we jump in head first to something I am not ready for. Really the only way for us to be physically together, because we are citizens of different countries, is to get married, which is ridiculous, and not an option I would consider so soon. It’s so hard because I feel things for him I never expected to feel again so soon, and I’m trying to keep my head straight and not make any rash decisions. Ugh…

Any thoughts? Again, sorry so long, if you made it through the whole thing, thanks!

Answer 1

Right now you're trying to take in a whole ocean of "what-ifs" when you only have a capacity to deal with a few drops. When you separate there is a transition phase of readjustment to "civilian" life that can take a long time. Consequently, that by itself will outline the parameters of what is or isn't possible in your short term future. Stated better, it's in your best interest to take everything one tiny step at a time without burdening yourself with attempting to map out the entire rest of your life from your present vantage point. This is even more important to you now having gone through a painful break up and having dealt with the enormity of relearning to trust someone again. Enjoy your remaining time together and accept it for what it is: a blessing in and of itself. If there is to be something more beyond your military days, you two will both recognize that fact and make the necessary adjustments at that time. "Improvise, adapt, and overcome" is an achievable strategy when you're properly motivated, but it has to arise naturally to have a viable chance of sustainability. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step...but until you've taken steps one and two, it's pointless to obsess about steps three through ten thousand. Appreciate the moment. Good luck to you.

Answer 2

I don't know what your job descroption or clearance is, but you could always apply to a private company working under contract to the military after your enlistment is up and ask for a duty station in England. That way, you make great money, get to see your boyfriend more often, make great money and get COLA to augment your already sizeable paycheck. The downside is: you get paid in dollars and the Pound is about $2.05 to the USD, so you'll get slammed in housing and gas; but it's a decent trade-off in my opinion!

Answer 3

Life is short. Take a chance and just see what happens because you don't want to have any regrets later on. If things are meant to be between the two of you, it will work out.

Answer 4

One option is that you try to extend your enlistment and duty station for a year. Not reenlist but just try to extend. That might give you the time you need and keep you in Europe until you have a better grip on your relationship.