What on Earth are these guys THINKING?

Question

I've comments about guys being very forward in their flirtation, being very persistent in their courtship, and most recently, being "dominant" in the bedroom, including "light asphyxiation" and "hair pulling".

I'm not judging any woman for liking whatever it is she may like, but guys, what are you thinking? Or are you not thinking at all but just incredibly horny?

I am gentle by nature anyway, but in the contemporary climate of increased awareness of sexual harassment, stalking, date rape, and domestic violence, why in the WORLD would you take the CHANCE of being accused of one of these crimes? How could it possibly be worth the risk, even if it is relatively small, that if you leave hand prints on a woman's neck, you could easily find yourself in deep trouble?

Why take the risk?

Lily I AM a man and I DON'T think with my "weiner". But maybe that's what has me confused.

Kate, I am not really blaming OR excusing women here. According to some recent posts, some women actually LIKE it. Who am I to judge?

I'm not so much saying the guys are WRONG if the woman says she's into that stuff. I'm just saying the guy is IMPRUDENT, even SELF-DESTRUCTIVE.

Josh G,

I completely relate! I too feel bad even when tickling leads to bruised elbows.

Answer 1

Nobody is getting close to my goodies unless we know each other's mind, ways, past, life and everything else there is to know. By then he knows, more or less, what I'm capable of also, which would not include wrongly accusing him of a crime for giving me an orgasm or two.

Those cases only happen to:

1- The Kobe Bryants who sleep around with random chicks, knowing damn well everybody and their mama is out to get them.
2- Men who have random one night stands, picking up someone at the club or some party.
3- Men who continue to stay in relationships with emotionally disturbed women, while going through bitter feuds, in which the woman uses accusations to get even.

Choose your sex partner wisely after getting to know them, get your freak on, and enjoy as much mutually consented roughness and hair pulling as you can fit in.

EDIT: Shingo, what exactly is "having decency in bed?" Please tell me the codes of lady-like behavior one must follow, in intimate moments behind closed doors, in order not be judged and reduced to an animal that lacks logic and intelligence by you. Are you shocked for not being the most charming and popular man on this forum, most likely reflecting your real life? Any respectful man who knows how to interact with women, and who is mutually liked by them, knows how to have sex and not get confused, calling them names and reducing them to animals that eat, piss and s.hit in the same place. Has this attitude/mindset been successful in getting you females of ANY kind? And does anybody ever put you in charge of anything without fearing abuse?

EDIT II: You guys actually consider "hair pulling," abusive and violent behavior? LOL By no means am I saying that's my thing, but damn, handcuffs, hair pulling, dirty talk, role playing, etc. are pretty normal among the mentally healthy.

EDIT III: Thank you Katiana and good call on referring someone to the other, more appropriate section.

And yes Gnu, good question, as always.

Answer 2

Gnu, that's a good point. these guys are opening themselves up to all kinds of accusations. But as a woman, I agree with Lioness and others who say they would have to know the man very well to get to that point. Any kind of 'kinky' sex is based on trust -by both parties. Otherwise, it should not be practiced.

I knew a guy who like to strangle the women during their orgasm (and asked for permission before doing it) and he said the reaction from the women after the fact was mixed. Some enjoyed it, others felt violated. He stopped acting on his urge because he did not want to be accused of anything. (BTW he is not a serial killer in the making he is a normal person who just likes kinky sex). There are many people who die every year from sex rituals involving strangulation. As far as the hair pulling -it's not even on my radar as kinky.

Answer 3

Regardless of the contemporary climate, men who are forward in their fliration and persistant in their courtship are sometimes rewarded by this behaviour (i.e., find women who like it). If it works one time out of ten or one time out of 20, it's like pulling the lever on the slot machine. You just start doing it that much more. And even in todays climate, lots of women will put up with this stuff, at least to some extent. The possible reward of getting some outweighs the risk in these guys minds. Look at the animal world. It's the way lots of men would behave were we not socialized, don't you think?

When it gets to the bedroom, if you've successfully "courted" with persistence and forwardness, perhaps being "dominant" is just the next step. If your partner is game, no worry. If they're not, yes, the guy is taking a chance. But once again, men are kind of hard-wired to take a chance in service you gving their guys the chance to swim. It isn't necessarily pretty, but I get it. The male sexual drive is very strong. Call it thinking with your whatever, but it is what it is.

Answer 4

You make a valid point, it could be considered risky to perform sexual rough play on a woman who enjoys it, because there is the chance she might use it against you.

But if people build some form of comfort and/or trust between each other before engaging in sex, it's not likely to happen.
Not trying to promote anyone, but I really liked Lioness' answer, I don't want to be repetitive, she took the words right out of my mouth (in my sexual approach towards men, not women).

However, I will add that not all of us view sexual pleasure in the same manner, we are each unique individuals with our own upbringing and experiences, in my opinion, part of that has shaped us and the rest of it consists of conscious choices we make as to our opinions, views and ways of seeing life from different perspectives. We don't all have to agree on the same form of sexual gratification, if some people like some rough sex, I find nothing wrong with it, it's perfectly fine as long as it's consensual.
Should people be careful? Of course, sex is no fun when it's not a comfortable and enjoyable experience for all parties involved.

No offense, but some people here seem to have animosity towards vagina, not going to name any names. There is a section on Y!A, which is LGBT, and may interest you, if you find sexual women to be so disgusting and vile, he he.

Interesting question Gnu. :-)

Answer 5

Eek! Myself, that is not my bag. While, on the one hand, I don't want to personally judge someone on their sexual preferences, but if my partner sprung something like this on me, I would probably be set back apace, wondering why, exactly, she would want me to play at violence with her.

That said, I believe in physically treating women somewhat gently. I have not engaged in the classic 'tickle fight' in at least ten years because the result in always an owie, the lady gets a little bruise, and I feel like a complete turd, thus ruining the sexual tension that the tickle fight is indicative of. (However, I have been known to just roll over and submit to a good tickle, just for 'submission points')

Naw, I prefer to treat my ladies nice and gentle. If she has a preference for simulated violence or danger edge behavior, I'm simply not her guy, and she had best look elsewhere for her simulated abuse, because I'm personally just not comfortable with it. If she is enough of a whackjob to try to ACTUALLY produce that behavior, I'll drop her long before I get far enough along to put my hands on her. I must add that I only know this, for sure, about myself because I once lived with a whackjob who tried to goad me into violent behavior.

Answer 6

Cannot understand this type of behavior Gnu & while more experimental actions in the bedroom can be ok, no self-respecting woman would allow something as demeaning as such to take place.
Actually there is worse out there, believe me.
Have an interesting link, will send it by email rather than post that disgusting trash here.
What is truly hypocritical is that the men in support of this site and actually think it's a good way to treat a woman in bed, protest vehemiantly against violence against men and make all women out to be violent monsters, yet they encourage it against women and see it as a big joke.

Answer 7

Gnu - I have no idea why someone would put themselves in such a position. At least not without taking time to try and make sure they really are 'safe' and consensual on such. However I also disagree with taking things too far .. theres playing with each other and theres involving real danger. Very different.

Kate - yep, think your right - they should take 50% of it. The more reasonable and sane ones might do. Although Im not sure how close to sane you might be able to describe some who ascribe to some of the more, um, discerning practices shall we say. Still thats not say they may not be.

Lily- what are you on? Only think with their wiener huh? Guess you only think with your schmoo huh? Little transference going on there me thinks. Probably two way tho.

Answer 8

It could be the neighborhood or sub-culture that people grow up in that directly influences what they think "real men" should do and how they should act. I do not think that being 'horny' has any thing to do with being violent (the light asphyxiation and hair pulling and what not) unless the men have (unfortunately) associated being 'horny' with being violent. I do think that it is up to women to say NO. Some thing like, "Ya know Bobby, I really like you and every thing but you are not going to choke me ever, so if you have a problem with that then we need to part ways right here." Its called setting boundaries, and I think that it should be done more often.

Answer 9

It's possible that this guy has historically had sex this way and no woman has objected. Or maybe they have, but he's never been reported, and he's just moving on to the next one. It's hard to say if that's just what turns him on or if he's inclined toward violence against women.

Answer 10

It seemed like a good idea at the time....

Not many people are thinking terribly rationally during sex, so if she wants something a bit different than you're used to, you may try it in order to maintain the moment. And that works for both genders too, if she's having a great time and he wants...

So, I just think you're asking for too much when you expect rational thought during a highly emotional and physical, primal experience.