Husband says he loves me & wants a family, but is refusing to fix the problems in our marriage. Why?

Question

We were married for a year. He was controlling, and had some very orthodox views on women & marriage.

He was recently charged for assault because he slapped me during an argument. However he was let off in court by the judge.

We separated after this incident.

It has been a few months now. He says he loves me & wants this marriage to work.

I have suggested counselling several times. But he refuses to go. I've even tried speaking to his family about our issues, but he dismisses this. Somehow everything I'm suggesting not a good idea according to him.

Where am I going wrong here? And, why is he not taking any steps to work out our issues, if he still says he has feelings?

Many thanks!

Answer 1

Because he wants to avoid the fact that he has a serious problem. Part of him wants this "fairy tale marriage" (Dr. Jekyl) but the "MR HIDE" part of him wont let that happen because for whatever reason your husband has alot of insecurity issues, anger management issues, and lack of self control. Usually it stems from either watching a parent act this way, or having a hyper critical parent themselves that only knew how to deal with problems by exploding, and hitting. But with out knowing ur husband i cant say for sure, and it could be other things as well but that seem to be the most common. Im telling u right now, if you go back to him before making him go to counseling, he will not change, and it will only get worse with time. And the more he feels he has you trapped the worse it will get. I know cause i was in your shoes at one time.. and i ended up leaving because i realized i deserved better and that i could not change him, and i couldnt make him get help until he realized he had a problem and even then only HE could want to get help.

I say dont go back at all, but if u go back to him make it under the stipulation that he do counseling first and prove to you that it will be different this time around..

Answer 2

Well did he act controlling while you two were dating? Did the two of you ever share your views on marriage? What was his orthodox views on women & marriage?
Where did you go wrong, you married the butt hole. If he refuse to seek any counselling its not a good sign at all. Have any member of his family ever tell you how he was when he was growing up? Like stubborn, quick temper, brat?
Another thing he slap you because during an argument (bad sign) the next time you to get into an argument he will hit you with is fist. There is no way in a pig pen that you should have any kids with him. This will only make things worst for you in this one sided marriage.
Why he refuse to work out his issues? Lady in his mind he doesn't have any issues. That is his view about things and it part of his of who he is. That is why he deny anything is wrong according to him there is nothing wrong. Its his ideal what marriage should be. When he continue suggested your ideal is not good enough. That is a huge A red flag waving in your face!!! He will stay any things that he think that would change your mind and come back to him and have a family. Truthfully, he is not going to change one bit, no matter what he said, he is not going to change. Sorry lady you married a rotten person who believe in his way only. Get out while you can and the heck with his so call feeling....his feeling is to control your every move and you will not be happy. end of story.......

Answer 3

I'm so sorry. But I am glad that you have done the right thing by taking legal action.

The problem is that he doesn't respect you. You are doing nothing wrong at all. You can't fix him.... all you can do is point him in the right direction.... which you have done. You probably got off lucky. From this point, you need to drop it and get on with your life.

His assertions that he has feelings etc., but refusal to go to counseling is likely a sign of his attempt to control you again.

Your life and health could easily be endangered by him, and no way should you go back until there is a real change.... a lasting change. Likely you are better off finishing it off and moving on.

He will resist of course and try to manipulate by saying what he thinks you want to hear.

Good luck.

Answer 4

I am not a professional or anything....but i had a friend that was in the similar situation. he was extremely controlling she couldn't talk to anyone go anywhere and that type of nature. He beat her up and tear up her clothes and there kids stuff. And she would leave him and he would come crying back...saying...im sorry ill change i promise i didn't mean to hit you i was just mad. And of course she would take him back and it would all happen over again. It sounds like your hubby doesn't want to admit hes the problem or that he needs to fix the problems you both are having. Your not doing anything wrong your trying to suggest seeing a professional and he doesn't want anything to do with it. If i were you i would seek professional help to see what further you need to do and see if your relationship is worth saving. If he really loved you like he says he does then he would try to help your relationship. And it sounds like hes not trying. Well good luck and remember i am not a professional I'm just giving you my opinion! One last thing are you happy???

Answer 5

I am shocked that you would want to have children with this man. His violent tendencies will most likely continue and will negatively affect your children.

To answer your question, men have a need to be a hero and fix things including problems. When you suggest counseling you are suggesting that he is not capable of handling the problems within his own marriage. Obviously, we know he can't but he does not see this. So in essence you are insulting his manhood. Tell him that you have decided to seek the professional help of a counselor for some issues of your own and that you would like to have his support by him coming along.

Answer 6

Well you have not really been married very long and he is new at all of this and so are you. I do not feel you need counciling or anything like that. I think you need to get to know each other more. You both need to talk and have each other really listen. If he is not listening to you then it will do know good at all. Most men do not hit a woman unless she presses him to a point that he cannot handle the situation! At that point a lot of men will just leave because they know they will do something they regret like hitting you. You were fighting I am sure and I am sure you could not get him to understand your feelings and he could not handle the problem and so he struck out at you to shut you up. sorry but true!! You have to know the point of shutting up too!! It is not all his fault even though he may have been wrong. If you both were drinking then this of course did not help because that is when most men hit their wives anyway! Do not confront a man when he has been drinking for any reason if this is what you did. And if he was not drinking and found it that easy to hit you then you best run! He will only become more violent in the future.

Answer 7

Fixed marriages last longer than love marriages because in societies where you have fixed marriage divorce is usually totally out of the question or saved for really extreme cases. In many cases fixed marriage is more of a business or a deal than what we call "marriage" in our society. Sometimes love comes later and sometimes not, but the deal is usually not meant to be broken. I personally prefer love marriage with all its disadvantages.

Answer 8

then leave
he has forced your hand
so leave
why stay
it's better you found out now how he will be long term right in the beginning
then to be a victim of abuse after so many years
as the common thread in abuse cases was a long standing pattern of abuse then forgiveness ( a big mistake on women's part ), then the cycle repeat and escalates each time
it's frequently known that cops HATE going to domestic abuse calls
not because they do not like helping the victim ( almost 99% of the time a women ) but because it thee most dangerous call they take in which a high percentage of cops are shot
women who go back to abuser all tend to have low self esteem and believe they cannot get another man and so they tragically stay
don't be like so many other women
who cares what he pleads ( all abusers are controlling men and will play prince / devil sides very well )
divorce him and move on

Answer 9

Tell him if he wants to work this out, you both go to counseling. If he won't do that, there isn't anything to discuss. Tell him you would like for the marriage to work, too, but until you get both go for counseling, there isn't any hope of that and nothing to discuss.

And whatever you do, don't have children anytime soon. They do not need to be involved in any of this mess and until your husband learns to treat you with respect, you sure don't want them to learn to be like him.

Really sorry you are going through such a hard time but I wonder how many red flags there were before you married him and maybe you just ignored them (?) Sure hope and pray you can get it worked out but much of that depends on his willingness to get help and make changes.

Answer 10

What do you mean by "Where am I going wrong here?" Let me count the ways.

1. Listening to him every time he opens his mouth.
2. Suggesting counseling when you know he won't go.
3. Speaking to his family about it.
4. Assuming that he will be different the second time around. It won't.
5. You are not getting on with your life. Forget him & move on.