Is this an abusive relationship? Serious renponses only please...?

Question

Is this an abusive relationship?


I've been with my husband for 4 years. I'm 27 and he is 60 and we have a 3 year old son. We fight almost everyday over anything, up to the point that if he cooks and I add something to the meal he'll get an attitude and make a big deal out of it. He's constantly telling me what to do or how to do everything, and every time I talk to him about any issue, personal or work-related, he expects me to do and say exactly what he wants me to say. He hates it when I speak my mind out, especially if it has something to do with him. He's hardly ever in a good mood and when he is, he is a good person, he looks like he really cares, but that only happens when I obey him and do what he wants me to do. I've noticed that he feels some type of satisfaction when he makes me cry... well, sometimes, because there's been a few times when he tells me I cry over anything, which is completely false. Even though I have a fulltime job and pretty much cover all of our living expenses, I am not free to invite any relatives or friends over to my house without his permission. He keeps me away from my family most of the time, maybe because he likes having total control over me? I am most of the time afraid of him and his reactions, which is why I am always sucking up to him or pretend to be happy when I'm not, 'cause otherwise it would be complete hell. On top of that, I hardly know his family and friends; I really feel he's ashamed of me because I'm overweight. Every time we visit his hometown he makes up excuses about he's friends and family being out of the country or so, not to mention he always walks away when he gets phone calls from his relatives just so I won't hear his conversations. I know that his son and daughters from his previous marriage hate me and don't like the idea that we have a son together, but if he really loved me the why he says, wouldn't he stand up to them? Especially if they haven't even met me or our son.

One of the reasons I'm still with him is my son. It might sound untrue, but he really is a good father. He takes care of my son when I'm at work and my son adores him. I've thought about leaving him sometimes but the truth is I don't my son to grow up without his father, just like I did. He often tells me that I'm crazy and that I'm the one with issues and I am starting to believe that I really am crazy. I often think that I deserve more than this, I've already been through many horrible things since my childhood and I wish with all my heart that someday I will really find happiness. I just don't want to wind up in a mental hospital or worse. Deep down inside I feel I still love him, but I am uncertain that he loves me, I just hope that with a little from his part, and maybe a miracle, this will work out. I maybe stuck with him until one of us dies, but I don’t want to live that way. I want to have a happy life together. Would it be possible that things will get better? Or am I drowning in a glass of water? I'm in desperate need of advice, I don't know what to do and I really don't have anyone to confide in. Please help.

Answer 1

This man is not "in love" with you, if he were, he wouldn't be treating you the way he is. It may be with the age difference that he feels the need to "daddy" you in everything, because he thinks he's wiser since he's a lot older than you. I know you have a child together, but consider the emotional trauma your child will grow up with if you stay with this man. You don't want to have two controlling people over you, do you? Please suggest to your husband that you would like for him and you to seek counselling together. If he refuses to do this, then you should start thinking of saving some money to find a place for you and your son to stay for a while, a separation. I'm so sorry you're going through this, and I will remember you in my prayers tonight. God bless you!!!

Answer 2

How can you say you love this creep? Listen, if I were you I would get some needed therapy. You are extremely insecure and he has deflated your self esteem till you are a wind up robot wife. Even though he cares about his son, he doesn't have respect for his mother. Now that to me doesn't make any sense. I don't think you will ever have a happy life with this man. You are looking for advice, but I believe you are not really ready to heed the advice that you will get from the people of Answers. If you were smart, you will start seeking some help from a psychologist. Then, once you get some confidence, you should seek out a divorce attorney. Of course, do not let this creep know what you are doing. Do not tell anyone, not even a best friend. Once you have advice from a divorce attorney on what are your rights and options, I would take my child and leave this heartless man. First of all he is too old for you. He is treating you like you are a possession. You are his wife and he has lost sight of that. Don't worry about your son. Your son will thrive better without the turmoil of seeing his mother verbally and mentally abused. I would start planning to leave this relationship and never look back. You deserve better and you'd better start thinking that you deserve better.

Answer 3

Yeah, he's abusive. You are in a pickle because you have a child with him. The problem with divorce and kids is that the reason you leave them never really changes and you are tied to him for the rest of your child's life or until one of you dies. If he's emotionally abusing you now he won't stop because you are divorced and it doesn't sound like he's the kind of guy that the courts would take custody away from.

This is what I would try, before divorce. When he is in a good mood and you have some peace and quiet while the baby is playing or sleeping I would look him in the eye and just tell him "I love you and you are a good dad and I want this marriage to work," and see what he says. Maybe he'll be a total jerk, maybe it will open up some communication. But you have to stop being a door mat. That doesn't mean that you have to yell and scream and start an argument you know you can't win when he is mean. Make a short statement that is true that doesn't require anykind of answer. Say things like, "That is very abusive", "I hope we can work this out", "Despite what you are saying I love you and hope we can make this work," and remember that you don't always have to have a ready answer, you can say things like, "You've given me a lot to think about," or "I'll have to think about what you said," even if he says the craziest thing just to get under your skin. Go see a counselor to work on your own life. There is a reason you married a man like him and you need to heal yourself to be even tolerable in your own skin and a good mom to your child. You deserve to be healthy!

But don't stay with him forever just for your child. You can't live with someone that is abusive.

Answer 4

It sounds like mental and verbal abuse to me. It also sounds like you are depressed. Go to the doctor and tell him how you are feeling. He will be able to direct you toward counseling or medication that will help you.

The next thing to consider is this: Your husband is 60 years old. His generation of women were taught to "obey" their man. They didn't speak their opinions, they did the house work, cooked and had babies. You are young, our generation of women were taught to speak their minds, stand up for themselves. I am NOT saying that you should "obey" him. The thing about old men that I have noticed is that they are grouchy, and sometimes mean and overbearing. If you want to see your family-do it. If he doesn't want you to see his-don't and don't see him. Tell him you can't continue to live like this. You need to have an honest and straightforward talk about everything. Tell him you can't have your son raised in a situation like this that he will learn to treat women the way he treats you and that he shouldn't have to grow up with parents that argue and can't get along. IF you have to walk away with nothing be prepared to do so. There is no great answer for you here. Personally, I would be tempted to walk away. Staying for the sake of your son is a mistake.

By the way, being overweight has nothing to do with this. If you are worried about this then maybe it is time to do something about it.

Good luck and God bless you and your son.

Answer 5

he is a controller, and if u have been through alot already u may attract this kind of man due to self esteem issues. he is too old for u for one thing, maybe your looking for a father figure, having grown up without a dad. things won't get better unless he is willing to go to therapy where u both can feel free to speak out and say what hurts. if he won't go to therapy get in a group yourself, as u need a support system of non judge mental friends. if u don't feel loved or valued than u probably aren't. u aren't crazy u just need to see changes. he is really way too old for u, and seems to want to alienate u from family, that is a form of control. your never stuck with anyone u make your own choices, and if u can't get him to stop this abuse, u may need to leave him. we make our own happiness. don't ever feel u have to stay and be unhappy, there is just too much difference in the ages, different ideas, different minds. things won't get better unless u seek some therapy with him, he has to be active in it also and realize what he is doing to u emotionally. he is a controller.

Answer 6

This man is very controlling and wants things done his way no matter what and doesn't allow you to invite your family over because they will see how he treats you that's why. he is mentally abusing you that's what it is called. This is just as bad as physical abruise. If your statying in this marriage for the sake of your son forget it because in the long run your son will think that this is how woman should be treated. You say that you love him are you still in love with him.
pray to god so that he can heal your broken heart because it sounds like you have a broken heart that is in need of repair and only god can heal your heart. open up your eyes and see the light its there.

best of luck

Answer 7

He is the way he is because he's 60 and in his day women did as they were told and obeyed thats what you get when you marry your grand-father.

I dont understand why you women get involved with men who are old enough to be your grand-father seriously dont you see the evil in this?

I cant give advice that would be helpful apart to say no your not in an abusive relationship , you just combined 3 generation gap into 1 .Your own fault sorry but it is.

Answer 8

You need to kick his butt to the curb. There is no reason for a woman to put up with that kind of crap from a man. You say he's a good father. A good father wouldn't treat his child's mother in such a way. How often does your child see you putting up with such abuse and thinking that this is the way a woman should be treated. Do you want your child to grow up believing that this is what a woman is worht?

Answer 9

I hate to say this, but it sounds like an abusive relationship, where he feels the need to control you and treat you as though you are his child. He is 60? and you are 27, he seems old fashioned by what you have stated here. Regardless of your weight you should be appreciated for who you are and what you have accomplished in your life. Everyone has a story to tell of their past, god knows mine was difficult also. You have a wonderful son, whom you need to protect and take care of. Staying in a relationship for the sake of him having a father should not even enter your mind. Don't think that he can't pickup on how unhappy you are or how he see's his father treating his mom. Kids are alot smarter than we give them credit for. If you were to leave you could have do visitation for your son if that doesn't work depending on his age you could go to Big Brothers Big Sisters and find a mentor for your son to connect with. Good luck in your quest for happiness, you are on the right track by starting to ask questions. If you need to talk you can catch me on yahoo messenger...

Answer 10

i have a question for you.... do you love yourself?.... how much do you love yourself?.... because, if you're no longer happy in the situation you're in, just get out!!!... i know that the reason you cannot leave your husband right now is because of your son.... but, do you think the environment where he is right now is good for him?... i just hope that you're husband is not belittling you in front of your son... because psychologically, this is not good for the boy.... if you really love your son, don't make him think less of you when he grows-up because of the things that your husband is accusing you like you are crazy... when you yourself admitted, is starting to believe.... much more with your son.. he is already in his formative year.....

so, my advice is leave the guy... if he really loves you, then make him start to reform himself by introducing you to his family and friends.... and stop his controlling attitude.....

you have to love yourself first before let anybody love you back.....