My Husband (then fiance) had an affair a few years ago, but then lied about it saying that he didnt. He finally fessed up to it about a year later, and we just started going to counseling to deal with it. My Husband refuses to talk to me after the counseling. I tried to talk to him today in a calm manner to discuss what we learned in counseling, and all he always does is run away from me. He literally runs out of the house and cuts me off midsentence just so he does not have to face the problem. I just dont know what to do anymore.
2007-10-27 15:16:23 · 40 answers · asked by eliza l 3 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
it sounds like you want to repair and resolve the situation more than he does...that would strike me as strange and probably tick me off to the max...you sound very forgiving..and I give you props for that..however, girlfriend he needs to come to you and beg for forgiveness and offer to do what ever it takes to regain you trust and admiration....at least that's my opinion or what I would expect..he cheated not you...remember? If he doesn't move a finger to make you feel at ease and secure ...or that this is resolved then that may be a sign for you that it may get worse before it gets better and these are signs you must not ignore...
2007-10-27 17:48:23 · answer #1 · answered by only1sol2000 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
IT'S ALL ABOUT YOU! now that i got your attention.... it really is about you and how you want to live your life, you can only control your emotions and morals. you have a right and moral obligation to be really p#@$%#d and you cant make him feel the way you do by bringing it up all the time, that doesn't mean he's off the hook either. if being faithful is a deal breaker...that get out of the marriage. almost all people put on their best "face" until you know them well. if you don't have any STD's from this and only you and the "other person" are all who know, then its between you and your mate, explain your self and your morals and conditions to your being together if he does not respect you enough to listen"when not in an argument" then dump him in the recycle bin...and move on. your investment time is short and be glad you know now ,,,instead of him doing it when your older and have no income,. remember...this is about you....and what you'll take to be his mate. maybe he's not yours to keep and you should start looking around for someone who has the same moral values.. good luck!
2007-10-27 15:34:38 · answer #2 · answered by speck323 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
your husband had affair few years ago he just told you about it you started going to counseling and he doesn't want to talk about what you learned in counseling, Each time you bring it up he runs away because he cant deal with the fact that now you know. Have you forgiven him for his pass mistake or you just want to keep bringing it up all the time. We are all human and make mistakes. Are you still in love with your husband than you need to forgive him in your heart and drop the
drama. so that you can move on with your life.
Best of luck
2007-10-27 16:21:15 · answer #3 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Maybe he is just uncomfortable discussing it outside of counseling....kinda beating a dead horse. He screwed up...he knows it,you know it...but reliving a mistake you would rather forget gets old. He is going to counseling so he is facing up to the problem....perhaps he thinks you are nagging and he doesn't want to hear it. Ask him if you can spend 5 minutes discussing the session on the ride home and then let it go until the next appointment.
2007-10-27 15:32:16 · answer #4 · answered by Lisa W 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You have to stay strong, because he obviously isn't. If he's running away from the problem then he's the one that's too guilty and too weak to solve it, so you have the control.
You're the one with self respect, pride, dignity and you can't let him bring you down. If you can't talk to him, then put it in writing. Let him know that he looks like an immature baby right now. He's not handling this like a man and it's making the problem even worse. Threaten that you will not deal with this much longer, so if he loves you and he wants this marriage to work, then his job right now is to do anything to make you happy with love, respect, trust and communication and if he's not willing to do that, then tell him you will kick him to the curb.
He caused the problem, now he has to solve it, not you. You just have to stand there with your arms folded, because he will only treat you the way you expect to be treated. Good Luck
2007-10-27 15:33:22 · answer #5 · answered by Very Honest 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Stay with the counseling and talk about it there. I wouldn't try to talk about it at home unless you are told to do so. Because he might not feel like its a safe zone. If he keeps running away from the problem or other problems then you need to deal with the childish behavior..
2007-10-27 15:24:41 · answer #6 · answered by aque_fairy 1 · 1⤊ 0⤋
According to the book "Women are from Venus, Men are from Mars", males like to withdraw and think things over before discussing. They are do-ers, not emotionally driven. He probably is dealing with his own shame issues about this whole thing. He doesn't mean to hurt you, or shut you out. He just needs to process what he has learned before he can talk to you about it. You should consider both of you going to individual counseling - him for his shame issues and to get at the root of why he cheated, and you for how to deal with the anger you have over his cheating and lying. I cannot imagine that you married him knowing that he cheats and lies, but then, you didn't really know for sure that he was lying at the time. Give him space - at least a day - before trying to hash out a therapy session. Heck, make date night the following night. Go to dinner and have a long talk on neutral territory. Do NOT do this in the bedroom. Keep all anger, resentment and issues out of there - it can kill your love life. You also may want to ask the therapist his/her recommendations for your hashing-out what is brought up in session.
2007-10-27 15:24:25 · answer #7 · answered by darfy1 2 · 2⤊ 0⤋
What do you want to specifically discuss? If it's something in general (we need to listen to each other more) fine, but if you are continually bringing up the affair, then you're using it against him and no wonder he'd be upset about that.
Perhaps you should just STOP talking about the counseling. If you want to say "We should listen to each other more" then say that. Don't put it in the framework of "the counseling".
2007-10-27 15:47:23 · answer #8 · answered by lady_phoenix39 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Make sure he knows you're tired of his behavior. Don't call it quits yet, as I think that if he agreed couseling it means that he wanted to save the relationship. But you do need to set you position very clearly. Warn him, that if he keeps that attitude, maybe next time he leaves home so he doesn't have to deal with the discussion, maybe when he goes back home he you won't be there waiting for him. You have to realize that maybe if he's running away it's because he feels ashamed about what he did, so give him room to talk. But you also have to start thinking that if he cheated on you, and then he's running away from you, it means that maybe he doesn't love you, and you need to know the truth. Don't pressure him saying "If you cheated on me, it means you don't love me", that'll just make things worse. Talk to him about what he feels now, and make sure he knows you're over what happened, as long as he compromises to not doing those things to you. If he can't make that commitment, leave that relationship now.
2007-10-27 15:42:26 · answer #9 · answered by dgi_marin 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
It would appear he would still like to make it work since he's going to counseling. However, it does seem as though he's doing so for appearance sake, and not because he truly wants to make it work. And while you are in your sessions do you tell him that you are able to forgive and when you get home he gets his nose rubbed in it? Next time you are in a session you should mention this.
2007-10-27 15:21:38 · answer #10 · answered by brandyswilkes 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋