Do you remember something "insignificant" ur dad did that hurt you a lot?

Question

My parents divorced early. My dad & I used to cook every time he had me when I was young. It was a big deal because he was giving me confidence and support to "create" on my own, just like an adult. He would do the dishes & I would cook (with his help) so I felt that we were working as a team too. I became very territorial of his kitchen, so I made a sign with pretty colors saying "X's (my name) kitchen" for him to put on the door and told him no other woman is allowed to cook in MY kitchen. Came back the next week & the sign was gone, I felt so hurt & betrayed, may have even cried but didn't say anything.

Funny part, still 25 years later, when my stepmom tries to come into my kitchen and make my dad something to eat, I feel as territorial about "my kitchen" & my right to exclusively feed my dad, as I did then. I subconsciously want her out because it's MY dad and I'm the number one woman who feeds him LOL.

Do you guys have similar memories/things?

Indigo: wow! do you think you had that influenced you to be more interested in "women's liberation" later on?
Now that I think about, that may be the reason I'm so competitive and sensitive when it comes to cooking & feeding my guy. My ex husband was very flirtatious/charming & I never got jealous, but one day he brought the lunch I made him for work, home & said some secretary had cooked lunch & he had hers LOL...girl, i was HOT, and she wasn't even cute. If he had told me he had heavily flirted with some cute girl, I wouldn't have had the same reaction---but bring another woman's cooking skills & food into the pic and I kinda lose it LOL

Indigo: I never saw the cooking territorial feeling as a bad thing, really. I saw it more of a maternal instinct of wanting to feed the men close to me, granted I get jealous & competitive but not to the point of acting on it or causing problems. I think more goods came out of it than bads. I told my dad the story the last time I saw him and he felt so bad, not even remembering the sign. In general, I'm really attached to my dad, like no guy is good enough to measure up and I don't feel that any women are good enough for him...but that's more of a Freudian issue :)

Aww Ms Rainbow, I'm sorry your experience wasn't as positively memorable. Isn't it amazing how powerful the daughter-father relationship is? Still, to this day, we can remember and feel it so strongly.

Hala: Sweetheart, I'm so sorry. You have studied psychology, so I'm sure you know why certain parents act the way they do. And you're a bright woman so I'm sure this will make you extra caring for your daughter's feelings :) We can always turn the negative past into a positive future :)

Hala: I understand. I know truama from my childhood is the reason I always wanted to be a child psychologist & adore kids so much. I want to protect & take care of every little kid I see.

Aww Blessed Rain--It's good there is 2 of you..it's a good supporting system. I'm always jealous of people who have siblings--I'm the only child.

Katiana: I have the same thing about ironing his shirts and his mom too, I would be more irritated than jealous. That's a trip!

My dad and I talk for hours too & we have so much in common--he's my best friend & there is nothing I don't tell him---considering he's middle eastern, I got truly lucky to have an open minded/intellectual father like that.

Katiana: LOL. I'm still irritated with my dad's mom, but I have always loved my exs moms--most of them have been strong women with serious cooking skills but they never babied the sons, they taught me how to cook and how to handle their sons too, so I got nothing but love for them.

Katiana: Yes girl. I'll put up another one for the mothers of exes LOL

Nite my ET :)

Answer 1

Yep I do, I was helping my Dad repair something and gave him the wrong tool, he got mad, I said I was sorry, he said "I know you're sorry! That's why I never wanted you!"
For me that has stuck with me. I was 6 at the time.

Edit: Lioness, I believe partly it's why I studied psychology.

Answer 2

I remember my father asking me out of the blue one day if I believed in women's liberation. I was about thirteen, and yes, I told him, I do believe in women's liberation. I was shocked that he would even ask such a question, since he was the one who taught me I could do anything I chose to do and be anyone I chose to be. I was his "fishing buddy," his favorite daughter (but that's a whole 'nother issue, or is it?). He looked extremely shocked, and then he laughed derisively and walked away. Ouch. Never forgot it. But he unwittingly set me on a path of discovering more and more ways to break free of gender oppression. I should thank him for that pivotal day in the kitchen. :)

Lioness, yes I def. think my dad's action in the kitchen that day influenced me, not that this was his intention, but that that is just how my mind works to this day. I hate being told what I can or cannot do as a woman; and I do not buy into it, at least not for long. Attempts to oppress me only inspire me. I also began to really see right ab. then how my mom suffered trying to play the role of the dutiful wife with little to no will or rights of her own. My dad ruled the roost, while, ironically also being pretty immature at times and irresponsible. He was very young, a former Air Force man, and Vietnam Vet. That was the same year I planned my escape--w/ my inner voice telling me one day that I did not have to live like this forever. I left as soon as I was eighteen. And, yes, it does seem that the strong feelings you have re cooking and feeding your husband stem from your father's action (mistake?) back then. The question is how you can free yourself? Do you want to?

Dear Lioness, I love your positive perspective. You're right here: It doesn't pay to pathologize everything in life. It is what it is. Right on. Both of our experiences show how good things can come out of supposedly "bad" experiences.

Answer 3

I do, yes.


I remember when I was little I was always, always, always a daddy's girl. I never really liked my mom. In fact, I cant think of a time when i felt any bond with her. But naturally, I just stuck around my dad all day, and we'd go get breakfast, build something, play basketball, go to the flea market, and just different stuff together every day. But about 2 years ago (i was 14) he stopped hanging at the house as much, would stay gone way up into the night, I would ask him if I could go with him to wherever he was "going", and he would just totally give me the cold shoulder. I honestly had never felt so alone in my life, I mean I had a ton of friends at school, and other family, but I was just so used to my dad always being my support system and he just kinda went cold turkey on me there one day. I could never figure it out until about 6 months ago, his phone rang and I answered it, and it was a girl named Laura. It turns out that dad had been cheating on my mom for over a year. But not only that. It turns out later on I found out that mom had been cheating on him all that time too. It was a real trainwreck of a mess, and I was an even bigger mess than the situation itself, and I felt kinda boxed in cause I couldnt really tell anybody about it, I just never could bring myself to vent. but they've since gotten back together and have forgiven each other, but I just cant seem to look at my dad the same way, ya know?



I'm just relieved that all of that is taken care of =)

Answer 4

Aww, that is adorable in a way.

My dad and I have always had a unique relationship, in comparison to the relationship he's had with my other siblings, we talk for hours, share similar interests, and are considered the eccentric ones in the family, hehe.

After my folks divorced, he would visit us often, but there were times that my mother changed our plans in the last minute, resulting in us not being able to see him.
I was angry at him for not standing up to her and for not taking me to live with him, which is where I wanted to be.
But it wasn't his fault, he was doing everything in his power to remain on friendly terms with my mother and not lose his children, I understood that as an adult.

I can definitely relate to what you expressed about the kitchen and home life in general...I'm not jealous either, as you know by the kind of relationship I had with my ex, but when his mother would come to visit and cook for him, it really got on my nerves, I didn't want her to cook his meals or iron his shirts, or do any of those personal things that only I did for him.
It's kind of funny now that I think about it, and even silly to be bothered by that, but us women are complicated creatures at times, hehe.

Edit: Exactly how I feel about mine...our dads rock! Ha ha.
Honestly though, I am fortunate to have had a good father, he was definitely the balance that I needed in my life during the painful experiences that I faced as a child and teenager.

Heh, I really do find it funny to be irritated by a partner's mother trying to do the normal things that she did for him as a child, but I felt like I was his woman then and it was my turn to do those things, her time was up. Doesn't that sound just horrible?! Ha ha.

Edit: You go girl! I loved mine as well, but can't deny that I was territorial about my little nest.
Geez, we turned this discussion from dads to mothers-in-law, he he.

Edit: And good night to you, my ET. :-)

Answer 5

You two have such great stories to tell about your Dad.

Regarding cooking, my Dad would ALWAYS say when I started to learn to cook in my teens that "it's missing something", or "it's not as good as your mother's." It meant so much to me at the time to have him like my cooking, and he was too insensitive to realize that his negative feedback was hurting me. I knew everything I cooked was great because I followed the recipe exactly when I was a teen so I could get it right. The ironic thing is he was a terrible cook.

I eventually quit cooking anything for my family at Thanksgiving, and instead would tell Daddy what I made for my friends (pumpkin cheesecake, etc.), and that I would never make anything for him again. He never quite got it.

Answer 6

My father my sis and I are sure is an undiagnosed bi polar he goes from hot to cold all the time.
he did alot of things that hurt me and have stayed with me however the worst thing he ever did or said that has stayed was not to me but my sister she is 30 and still very hurt and bitter, he called her a slut and a whore for wearing a tight top to youth group when she was 15, my sister had been abused as a child and due to that was very shy and introverted, however after he said that she came in flaming I have never seen her that mad, but any time she brings up the memory the same anger is there never forgotten and it still hurts her today as much as it did then.
now my father if asked would never remember saying that, when he gets mad stuff just flies out of his mouth with out control or thought. wish he thought more however we are stuck with our family.