I feel that I stay at home 24-7 with the kids. I am a SAHM and feel that I don't have a life. My husband is a part time firefighter and a full time EMT. I feel that his whole world revolves around it. Now he is trying to get on the Ohio Task Force. I guess I should be happy for him...I just wish he could fit in more time for us. Most of the time we don't have enough money for me and the kids to go out. I don't have too many friends because I babysit from home all week. I don't have a life. I don't know why it is so easy for him just to leave and do what he wants but I am stuck home all day. I know it isn't like he is messing around on me, and I know that he is trying to better his career...but what about me? Where is my "ME" time? I guess I am just frustrated in not EVER having any money. I barely had enough money to put gas in my car to make it to town... any ideas? I don't want to make him feel bad...I want to feel good though...like I could have a life too.
2007-10-27 08:48:00 · 14 answers · asked by sunnysideup 4 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
I am really grateful for what he does for the family. Sometimes I just feel that he would rather be doing something else than be with us.
2007-10-27 08:56:37 · update #1
LOVELY...
I do work. I babysit from my house 3 MORE kids...not including my own. I am at home 24.7. Don't talk to me about trying to make more money.
My husband is trying to further his career, but the Task Force only brings in money when they call him out. He doesn't get paid for all the trainings he goes to. It get frustrating.
2007-10-27 11:21:11 · update #2
Hi Lady - I'm so sorry to hear that you are feeling low. It can be incredibly draining and isolating to be the only provider of parenting for your children. I'm also sorry this answer is so long...;-)
I am absolutely sure that you are grateful for what your husband does to bring money into your household - so you don't need to apologize to the nitwits who say you are being ungrateful. They have never been in your shoes and they surely don't understand how much work it is to be a stay at home mom. I used to work 60-80 hours a week at my job as a nurse - it was very demanding - and I think it was easier than being the stay at home mom that I am now!
Obviously, you need to talk to your husband. Are all of his jobs paying jobs? or does he do any of them as a volunteer? Will the task force be well paying or volunteer? Yes - it's great that he is a hard worker - but he should be willing to compromise with you about the amount of time that he spends out of the house. Until all of your children are in school full time - he should consider giving up any volunteer work.
That might mean skipping on the task force for now - even if it is a paying job - the hours he might have to put in to start a new position will be overwhelming. Unless a new position is going to bring in enough money to allow you to hire a sitter for a couple of days a week - then it's not worth it.
Can you work something out with his schedule so that you can go out and get a part-time job while he stays with the children? Maybe you can work a couple afternoons or evenings a week at a local store or someplace else that interests you? That way you are helping to bring in a bit of money, he spends more time with the kids, and you get to socialize with some new people.
It is so easy to feel guilty about asking him to do anything after he's been out working all day - but with a little planning (for meals & bedtime routines) you can ease the guilt and get out of the house. Remember - just because you are staying home with the children doesn't mean you haven't been working! Being a mom is tough work - and you need to have a break every now and again so that you can continue to be the good mom that you are.
He helped make these children - and he should help raise them. Not just support them financially but actually get to know them and spend time with them! He'll never regret the time he spends with them - once he gets over being scared of the responsibility (it can be very intimidating for men to suddenly be in charge of the kids). Just be sure to be patient with him and the children as you try to affect some change for yourself - they will be resistant to it at first, but don't let yourself get guilted out and try to keep your chin up. You aren't just doing this for you - it's better for your whole family!
Good luck!!! All my best wishes to you!
EDIT - To "Lovelymrsm" - you don't sound lovely, you sound like a total witch. How dare you slam this woman when you have no real idea what it's like for her. You have one child and one on the way? You sound selfish and just plain nasty - I feel sorry for your children to be raised by someone who has such little empathy for others. You obviously don't work at all - does your nanny take care of your little ONE all day? nitwit....how's that misogyny working out for you?
2007-10-27 09:30:25 · answer #1 · answered by Mirage 5 · 2⤊ 0⤋
My first husband was like this (sort of) work was his excuse but in reality he just couldn't live without fun (his preference of fun) and I was a stay at home mom of four children. If you don't have enough money after two jobs and your babysitting in your home then perhaps you both need to take a look at where the finances are going first. Talk to him openly and honestly about your concerns and tell him how you feel stuck. Everyone deserves time off from their work and you work hard (VERY HARD). The 24/7 with the kids is detrimental to your health and theirs ( I know I'm still living that way, lol) but I still believe that if I had a partner with me to support me through these child rearing days I would not be chronically ill today or at least not being doing as poorly healthwise as I am.
For your health and your children's health you need some time off everyday and you need some special time off every week for yourself and your spouse.
Make a list of your concerns and what ideas you might have that would help. Don't blame or badger but be honest. Tell your husband that you want him to do the same and that you want a time where you can both talk about these problems. Have a signal for time outs if the conversation becomes unproductive but also have an agreement to continue the conversation at a later specified time. Don't put it off more than a couple of hours though and neither one of you should play the silent game as that just makes matters worse.
Good Luck.
2007-10-27 16:23:06 · answer #2 · answered by Twilight 6 · 3⤊ 0⤋
you need to sit and have a talk with him and tell him how you feel. If he thinks you are fine with this there is no reason for him to want to change anything. although he may not be cheating on you with someone else, he may be trying to stay away from the house because there is something wrong with the relationship in his mind and so he avoids being there. Talk to him and tell him how you feel and try to get at least several days a month when you can do things together. If you can't sit and talk this out, there may be a good chance that either you will both be unhappy for many years to come or finally divorce after many years of marriage, so it would be better to talk this out now.
2007-10-27 15:59:33 · answer #3 · answered by Al B 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
It sounds like your husband is working his butt off to make sure you and the kids have enough money, and from what you say it's you still have a tight budget. Maybe he's not working that much because he "wants to"-he's at work, and work usually isn't fun-maybe he's working that much for YOU so that you can stay home with the kids AND feed everyone. That's his job-go to work and work as many hours as he can so that he can provide for his family. I bet it's not always a bed of roses for him. He probably feels like he doesn't have a life. He probably wishes he had "me time". And he probably hears your frustrations about "not ever having any money" and is being a loving husband and provider and is trying to do something about it by working as hard as he can and getting as many promotions/raises as he can to make you happy.
Of course, that wouldn't make you happy would it?
So you have two choices. You can make your husband stay home more; you'll get to see him more and have some "me time" but you'll also be broker than heck and not really able to enjoy any of it. Or you can go out and get a job too....and use that extra money to pay for the daycare to raise your children because you want "time away".
Sorry if I don't feel bad for you at all, but you sound overwhelmingly selfish. Forget what's best for your kids, or how hard your husband works, or how he feels....you want "me time". Suck it up-your husband is a firefighter-that's his job. You're a SAHM-that's yours. They both have negatives, but they both have to get done.
2007-10-27 16:16:27 · answer #4 · answered by lovelymrsm 5 · 0⤊ 2⤋
I understand that he's trying to bring home the bread, but I think you two should have some alone time with each other too. Maybe you could suggest going out on dates a couple of times a month. It is important for you two to be together, talk to him about dating. With no kids.
2007-10-27 15:57:16 · answer #5 · answered by Anonymous · 3⤊ 0⤋
Ladyluck it certainly does appear that your husband is trying to advance himself, and therefore that of his family, station in life. Sad that he is doing so in this manner however. Communication is number one successful and happy relationships and so you must inform your husband of how you are feeling at present and see if there is some way that you two can come to a compromise where you are both getting your needs met. If he is in the professions that you have explained then he must certainly be wise enough to be able to understand how you'd have the feelings that you have. Talk with him in a mature and open minded manner and I do hope that all works out for you. Best of luck.
2007-10-27 15:56:16 · answer #6 · answered by crazylegs 7 · 3⤊ 0⤋
could it be no grownup interaction the cause of feeling this way.i know how hard it is w/ kids and all but unless ur hubby is like the MOST understanding guy in the world as soon as u start telling him how u feel about his jobs most likely go on the defence and start telling u how he wish he could stay home and watch kids all day and about how much,or he puts his life on the line 4 his family and all that.maybe try to find other ppl around u in same boat i bet theres a few around,
2007-10-27 22:19:38 · answer #7 · answered by jracer 1 · 0⤊ 2⤋
This might sound personal, but does he worry about finances? It sounds like he is trying to bring in money to help his family. Also while trying to advance his career. Unfortunately, his family is suffering. It also sounds selfish. He is putting himselve first before his family. Talk to him. Grab a hold of him and tell him how this is hurting his family.
2007-10-27 16:11:33 · answer #8 · answered by pumper 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Emergency, is at Home tell him you need to be saved and make it known to him. Get someone to talk to him if you can't talk to him get a pastor,priest, family member,or mutual friend.No man should be that busy, try to talk to him at all costs.I felt very sad when I read your story.There are more important things than MONEY.
2007-10-27 16:03:57 · answer #9 · answered by Anonymous · 2⤊ 0⤋
he is busting his hump trying to support his family and I'm sure it isn't all that wonderful on his end knowing he has mouths to feed and bills to pay. voice your concerns with him maybe this task force will bring more money into the family
2007-10-27 15:55:08 · answer #10 · answered by cutiepie81289 7 · 1⤊ 1⤋