It's not his baby do i tell the real dad?

Question

I just tested positive and I had not planned on getting PG. My spouse and I weren't doing well and I cheated on him with another married man. Yes I know judge all you want it's pathetic okay i admit it now lets go on to the question. Do I tell the guy I cheated with that it is his? My husband is sterile so he will know it's not his. And on top of that my due date is on my husband's birthday. I think he has a right to know...but my best friend says I need to shut my mouth so I don't ruin his family. What do I do besides not cheat again and make myself feel like junk? Judgers welcome...i know i'm pathetic

Answer 1

tell him and try and save what you can, if you want that but i dont see him sticking around.

Answer 2

No sense putting you down, because it sounds like you are beating yourself up. Hopefully it is because you cheated and not just because you got preggers.

They both need to know. If you and your husband are committed to saving the marriage, you can stay together. It will take alot of hard work but not telling him (even though he'll figure it out ) will, in my opinion, be a worse or maybe a second "betrayal".

You're not the only one who cheated here. You'll face consequences for your choice (even if it is raising a child that is not your husband's birth child - that's still a consequence), Why should he be completely excused from responsibility for his choices? Let him face his own consequences. The "donor-father" needs to know simply because he's entitled to know. Whether or not he will want anything to do with the child is up to him. legally he should pay you child support.

Hoepfully you and your husband can turn this into something positive. If he's sterile, maybe he will come to love the child as his own and adopt it....

Answer 3

Time to take responsibility for your life. You’re not the first woman or couple to have faced this. (And everyone makes mistakes in life. That's what makes us human; it’s what we do about them afterwards that counts.)
There is no easy answer. I assume you want to have the child? That's the first question you have to really settle in your head. It's your choice, not the baby fathers. If you want to have an abortion you could keep it from both of them.
But you’d have to really want it if you're going to bring it into the world.

I guess the other guy doesn’t want to leave his family to run off with you, does he? If you tell him what would you want from him? Money? Bear in mind he's already trying to support a spouse (family?) financially. And yes, bringing it into the open could hurt his wife and children.

I suspect he won't be happy about it, may suggest an abortion. Telling him could wait. A long time if necessary. (But then if he knows your husband is sterile and you see each other otherwise he may put two and two together anyway.)

More important is your relationship with your spouse; is his being sterile anything to do with you wanting to become pregnant by another or was it that the relationship isn't working full stop? You can't hide this from him, even if he does agree to help bring the child up I doubt he'll easily let the matter lie, it may not be best for the child to bring him up in a family where one person lets him know he wasn't wanted. It depends on how you think your spouse will respond. If he's sterile he may want kids; OK – it’s not how he imagined it would be, but he could come round. But then again he may not.

You could confess all and try and persuade your spouse that the relationship was worth saving and that you were prepared to do anything to make the relationship work, relationship-counselling included. But you'd have to mean it and feel it inside.
And there's no guarantee it'd work. Children 'gluing' families back together rarely works well. (I know, I was an unwanted kid, the pregnancy was accidental. It messed my life up for a long time after being told by my mom when I was young that she wished she'd never had me.) It depends on how your spouse responds.

But yes, it's one of those moments in life. Think of the child, if you want to have it tell yourself that whether in a relationship or single you want to bring up that child the best you can. It ain't going to be easy, but it can be done. You also have family and friends; you’re going to need support to get through this.

Answer 4

Well, we haven't been in your shoes, so we're in no position to find fault. Certainly, in trying to make things right, you prove you are by no means the awful person you claim to be.

Your marriage was already unhappy (which involved two sides), so counseling has to be first on your agenda. (Check with a church or community organizations.) Before you tell anyone anything, go on you own; then bring your husband. The counselor can advise you regarding the genetic dad, and whether it would be too harmful to his family (though that's his responsibility, not yours) or whether he should know. There is a chance, however small, your husband might be the dad, and you might want to wait on blood tests before you rock that other boat.

This must feel awful, but all the more reason to stay calm and arrange support (not just a lot of advice, which just flows at times like this- no shortage of opinions). It sounds like you'd like your marriage to work out, and I hope it does, but mostly I hope things work out well for you and your baby. We make mistakes, but they don't define us. Learn all you can from this one, and make yours a life you feel good about. And enjoy that little one. It's a bumpy road, but it will work out.

Answer 5

Well, you seem to have been punished plenty don't you.
I think that this guy needs to know, and your child will have to be told in time to.
It's for the best, when you think about the medical reasons and also about the fact that you don't choose who you fall in love with, so, it's better all knows who they are linked to.
As for your husband, I don't know how he'll cope with it, as it's a serious blow, to his masculinity, his trust in you, life, the future and marriage.
If he does stay with you, make sure it's for the right reasons, and you two talk about this thoroughly.
If he's sterile, then you have something that he'd never have been able to give to you should you have wanted it, so does the way you got it matter to him??
If he can pass that, then you two can have a great future as a family.
I wish you all the very best, but make sure you always do one thing in the future, and that thing is to be straight forward, no matter what.
Good luck.xxx

Answer 6

first of all i would talk to my husband, tell him the truth as he will know anyway. maybe he will be understanding maybe not. say nothing until u have had a chance to tell your husband. its quite possible that your husband may forgive u and want to raise the child as his own and if that be the case i can't see why u would want to complicate your life by telling the other man. things happen and sometimes honesty is not the best policy but do discuss it with your spouse, than go from there on what u want to do.

Answer 7

theother,
You need to sit down and tell your husband asap, yes he'll know the baby isn't his but tell him, don't show him when your belly is out that's not good. This could cause more problems between you and him but I know u already know that so be prepared. Then depending on the outcome of your fully explaining this to him how, when and why this happened and listening to what he has to say go from that point... be ready!

Answer 8

If you keep it from him and when it comes out it will hurt your husband more. I feel that it is always better to tell the truth. And the father of the child should know as well that way he can choose what he wants to do. And let him know he dosen't have to be there if he dosen't. Either way the truth has a way of coming out. And if they hear it from you first it would just be better that way.

Answer 9

First talk to your husband and tell him the truth. No one deserves to be lied to or cheated on. Then tell the father of the baby for a couple of reasons. First, even if you don't need the money he needs to help support his child. Second, every kid deserves to know who his parents are.

Answer 10

Well, your lust got you into a real PICKLE!
Tell your husband first, but you need to tell the father too.

I really feel sorry for HIS family, since this will all come out and break their hearts. You'll probably end up as a divorced single mother, barely making ends meet.

Or, you could have an abortion & keep your mouth shut about the whole mess.

Answer 11

Well you did the dance now you have to face the music. Look I've been in a very similar situation. Tell them both. You decided to stop cheating but until you fess up, you're still being dishonest. Best of luck to you. None of us are perfect