Does doing and saying the right things in a relationship lead to really feeling the things you say and do?

Question

We have been married for 31 years, and I have struggled for last 5-10. Many times I say and do the things that would be expected out of a nicely or happily married couple but I feel like I am an actress. For example: touching, hand holding, hugging, talking. I don't feel anything for my spouse but frustration and resentment and sadness that things aren't the way they should be. I have heard that if you keep saying and doing the right thing it eventually becomes a part of you and you will feel it. But I don't know how long that will take, if it will ever happen. I always feel that if I had or would do something better or different it would be better. I don't feel comfortable about divorce, but I always wonder if things could or would be different with someone else or would I have the same problems?

He has always been overweight and had lap band surgery 6 months ago. However, has strong passive aggressive traits. We don't have a lot in common. He is 8 years older. We do better and then something happens and I have to work really hard to recover positive feelings.

I know this sounds like I am whining but when I bring things up (and yes I am the only one that brings things up) we get in a big fight and then his passive aggressiveness comes out. I think some of you have hit the nail on the head that I am co-dependent. And am lying to myself. Most of the time I can deal with it but there are times I just get lonely.

Answer 1

no, what you are doing is lying to yourself & your husband but sometimes that is an easier coping mechanism than looking at the big picture... which would be a divorce. this may work for now but as your resentment grows, and it will, then hiding your feelings will get harder and your only going to get more resentful & unhappy which he will eventually pick up on if he hasn't already. if you have such negative feelings just holding his hand or talking with him , love making must be a nightmare! It will not get better or"go away", you will end up hating him, yourself, and your life because you are living a hugh lie and carrying a heavy burden. I'd say you need to come clean with yourself cause you have some big decisions to make sometime, be it now or later. lifes to short to live this way.

Answer 2

You wouldn't feel this way with someone you were attracted to. IF you were lucky to find someone else, and one that really turns you on, then it would be exciting and you'd feel alive again. BUT it's not a for sure thing that you will find a man who does these things for you.

I was married 3 times. I have been alone now for 18 years!! I have dated, but I haven't found one who get's the old blood a flowing or get's me excited for "touch". I'm not sure if it's cause I haven't had those things in along time, or if I am subcontiously doing it to myself, for no trust in men?!?

I did have 1 boyfriend for only 5 months a few months back. I couldn't stand for him to touch me. His touch was not a turn on. His kisses sucked! He was terrible in the sack! I just couldn't stand being the actress any more!! It made me feel gross!

You look like a very pretty woman. If you decide on a divorce, you won't have any problems getting a nice looking man, but just make sure he's a nice one too! IF I were you, I think I'd explore the single sights now, before you decide on a divorce, to get an idea on what kind of men you have to look forward too, if and when you become single. Maybe, and I know all married people wouldn't agree, but maybe try having an affair first before divorce too. SEE if the other man's touch isn't fullfilling!!

Answer 3

before you make any rash decisions you should at the very least explain to your husband some of your feelings and then seek a marriage counselor. Is it that your not physically attracted to him anymore? I personally dont think that if you wait long enough that for that feeling it will come. I think its either there or it isnt. Im sure when you got married you had those feelings. Now you have to ask yourself what has changed. Please seek a counselor. 31 years is alot of time invested and if you have children it makes it even more important.
Hope this helps some.

Answer 4

Unless he commits adultery, you must keep your wedding vows. You remember them, for better or worse, in sickness and in health, for richer or poorer until death do us part.

You sound like you are a co dependent. Your spouse's drug of choice is food. You may benefit from a book called 'Co dependent No More'. You might also want to check out Over eaters Anonymous and find out if they have a 12 step program for the families of over eaters.

Addicts are sick people and they make everyone around them sick too. Even if you leave him, if you don't get help you will most likely fall in with another addict.

The addicts drug of choice can be anything from food, alcohol, drugs, gambling, starvation ......etc. There is a lot you need to learn about the whole thing. Why they do it, what they can do to get better and what you can do to get better.

It's unfortunate that doctors don't give patients information about their disease of addiction, that will help them recover and help their families too.

I hope you will get as much information as you can about this disease, it is your best hope.

Answer 5

I think the best thing for you to do is address those feelings of resentment and anger if you truly want to move forward. And also keep in mind, although most people don't say it, they can usually feel the emotional distance, no matter how good the act is. So you might do both of guys a favor and help your marriage at the same time.
Good Luck

Answer 6

It can but you have to really want it to. Once you get to the point of feeling like you do, unfortunately it may be too late.
As far as things being different with someone else, sure it could be. But would it, is the question? Anything new is usually great, but then routine sets in with that as well.
How does your husband feel about your relationship? Have you talked with him about your feelings? If he is content and sincerely cares about you, I'm sure he'd be willing to do whatever it took to ensure that you will be together to grow old and gray. It's not easy growing old alone, and if I could have found a way to make my marriage work, I would have tried harder.

Answer 7

No my dear that is called living a lie..... I did that for the last several years I was married to my ex..... it actually made me more frustrated........ Here I was trying to go through the motions of a happy marriage when in truth I was miserable....she was not truly happy either but much happier than I was .... so she was living a fairly normal and happy life and all I could think was "how could she be happy while I'm not"........ I ended up just opening up and telling her how i actually was feeling..... it helped to some degree and things improved briefly but then she reverted back to doing all the things that she was doing before to make me unhappy.... it finally ended... I had regrets after wards but I just couldn't live the lie any longer.

Answer 8

It sounds like you're trying to convince yourself everything is fine and that you are happy... I don't think that's going to work. It's been quite a number of years already... you shouldn't wait around for things to fix themselves... You have to be the one to fix it. You should communicate with your husband, bring these issues to his attention, and perhaps consider couples therapy to understand why you're unhappy with your current marriage. It's difficult and painful getting out of a very comfortable situation, even if it's an unhappy one. Try to figure out your problems and work through them with your husband before considering divorce.

Answer 9

i guess sometimes that might work. but for something as deep and serious as marriage i would say not. you didn't go into much detail why you are so unhappy in your marriage. but i would suggest couseling. good luck. you deserve to be happy!

Answer 10

WELL, IF YOU HAVEN'T BRAIN WASHED YOURSELF BY REPEATING THING YOU DON'T MEAN FOR 10 YEARS. I THINK YOU HAVE PROVEN THAT STATEMENT TO BE WRONG.