marriage or friendship?

Question

Ok, so, I'm married, and before I got married and had my kid, I never had any REAL friends that made an effort to keep in touch after high school. They all kind of drifted away from me and the only time we talk is on myspace occasionally. I met one good friend at my job in 2004, but I was her boss and neighbor at the same time and the work situation killed our friendship. She forgave me months later, while we were both working at different jobs, and we started hanging out all the time and became best friends, however, my husband got jealous of her and almost hit her one night while he was drunk. She has forgiven him now, but she still barely calls or comes over. My husband is alot better now, and we are working things out, but he doesn't understand that I need more than a husband. I need girlfriends too since I never had a REAL friend before I met this girl and now she barely talks to me and I feel like a loser with no friends. Do I HAVE to get a divorce to make friends?

I should add that he doesn't have many friends either, which doesn't help. He did this years ago and he says that he trusts me now and I can hang out with her, the problem is getting my best friend back or making new friends, which I obviously have trouble doing. I keep asking her if she wants to hang out but she keeps making up excuses or doesn't call me back. I have seen this before with my other "friends" from high school. It is all too familiar...

Answer 1

Its not good on either one of you not to have friendships outside the marriage. Sounds like your husband has a control issue with you. I would definitely stop it before it gets worse. You both need friends and if it has to be married friends that you both do activities with, then hopefully that will give your husband a chance to get to know the girls that you could possibly hang out with on girls only days. Good Luck with it, I hope that everything works out.

Answer 2

Only get divorced if you are unhappy and you feel it is not getting you anywhere. You can make as many friends as you want. Your husband can't stop you from making friends. If he is too possessive, then get rid of him because you don't need a man like that. If he thinks that having friends is gonna take you away from your responsibilities at home, then just assure him that it won't happen. You have a right to go out with friends or to go out and make friends. You can't just sit at home and do nothing all the time. It is hard work to be a wife and a mother and sometimes you just need to take a break. So, go ahead and make friends there is nothing wrong with that. If your husband doesn't understand then you know what to do. Good Luck!

Answer 3

No! I wouldn't advise a divorce. However, I think you need to ask your husband what upsets him so much and be clear about what's really bothering him. Is it that you have friends or is it you are hanging out all the time with someone other than him. You may have to help him understand that friendships are necessary and having them will not take away from what you and he have as husband and wife. I do recommend that you try and develop more friendships that can be your own friends, his friends and also have friends you both can share meaningful times together. This I think will minimize his insecurities unless he's a controlling and also abusive. Then I suggest counseling to work out the differences.

Answer 4

No you need to set down some serious ground rules and boundaries. Heres the deal. If you wanna be with someone who would put that stipulation on you go right ahead but dont be a whiner about telling him whats up. He seems to have no qualms about doing whatever he wants especially to you and your friends - why should you? Let him know that your not gunna stand for that B.S. and that you need your time too. Go join some kind of class like cooking or pottery or something that interests you, you'll be able to make friends and do something interesting. The fact that you want friends SO bad that your willing to consider getting a divorce should tell you something right there. Think about it

Answer 5

Tortured: You are in an extraordinarily unhealthy relationship. That this man cannot even tolerate your having other female friends is, well, frightening. Like any other human being, you are entitled to have friends. In fact, having other friends of BOTH sexes is essential for any intimate relationship to be balanced and healthy.

I am particularly concerned about this man's proclivity for violence. That is inexcusable under any circumstances, and being drunk certainly doesn't excuse it; it only makes the situation you're in that much more volatile.

I am glad to hear that your husband is "better now," and that you are "working things out." But from what you have said here, I am afraid I would not hold out much hope for this relationship being even safe for you, nevermind fulfilling. From where I sit, the answer to your question is an emphatic "Yes!" and the sooner the better.

Answer 6

Tortured hopefully you don't have to end your marriage to gain friends. Couples should have mutual friends that they do stuff with as well as friends of their own. Maybe some form of counseling might do your relationship some good. If you can't talk this over with your husband in a mature and open minded manner than you most certainly should seek some type of help from a third party. Best of luck.

Answer 7

No you do not, however he sounds possesive. You need your friends outside. If he can't understand that then he has a problem. I encourage my wife to go out with her friends. I also trust her 100%. You need to keep your friends or else you're in a trap. By the way if he hit your friend when he was drunk, he has issues. Been there done that. Good Luck!!

Answer 8

Tell your husband ntoto be so rude. If he doesn't like your friends, that is his problem. I wouldn't get a divorce, but I wouldn't leave my friends behind. Just try and make them get along better. Who knows, maybe they could become best friends too.

Answer 9

No, your husband should understand your need to have other companions. However, you may have to get a divorce if your husband is violent, abusive, or doesn't understand your needs in life. This sounds like the beginning to a MUCH bigger problem.

With peace and love.

Answer 10

You need and deserve female friends. Please talk to your husband about it when he is in a very good mood, a good mood in an intimate situation may be best. He will be reassured by you that he is tops in your book. He will understand girls need friends to talk and laugh with. If he wants to fantasize you and a girlfriend could be intimate together, that's his fantasy and he's entitled to it!