I need more answers... please I know its long but I really need the advice?

Question

Ok I am only looking for answers from people that really want to help me and offer serious advice. Well, last night I went to a "Passion Party", during and afterwards I had a lot of alcohol. When I came home I was very horny and really wanting a lot of sex. My husband and I had not been able to have sex for the past 2 weeks so I thought "this is going to be awesome sex." Well, first time was good then we got on the computer and I let him look at porn while I pleasured him. Our relationship has only recently become this open because I have always been raised to believe that while you are married your spouse is the only person that should make you feel that way. Anyways, so I did that for a while and stopped because I was thinking we would be having sex again soon. Well I got tired of the porn and he ended up looking at it for quite a while. Thats when I really realized what he was mainly looking at... young latina, big booty girls. It kinda made me feel like "am I what he really wants?"

I am 20 half white half hispanic... mainly look white... and I have wide hips but not a big butt. Should I feel like this? He used to get hard ons from me just by seeing me undress and now I can buy all the lingerie and undress and try to look really sexy and it doesnt happen as quickly. He used to get so aroused by me that when I would get ready he'd sit on the bed and get off. Last time he did that was almost 2 years ago before we were married.

And lately I have been having to say like "hey lets have sex tonight" etc. in order to get any. It used to just happen.
I'm scared that he doesnt find me as attractive especially since my daughter was born. I know I don't look the same as before my daughter and I think that that may have caused his sex drive towards me to have gone down. Any suggestions?? I am desperate for advice (obviously). I'm almost considering getting a divorce because I feel like I will never be "that girl" anymore. I think he deserves to have what pleasures him.

As do I and him not being turned on by me like before turns me off, puts me in a bad mood, and makes me unhappy. Lately we have been having a lot of arguments because of the lack of sex. I think at times when he gets home from work (i'm a stay at home mom now) and I flirt with him he trys to avoid sex... and when he wants it he just grabs at my boobs. Like thats supposed to drop my clothes.

Oh I forgot to finish about last night... when he was looking at the females he finally looked over at me and realized maybe something is wrong and I told him that I wanted to be the reason he got off... and he just told me that he'd be able to do it again with me in a little bit... which by the way never happened.

Answer 1

Try K9 Webfilter.
It is free and completely blocks any questionable content.
www.k9webprotection.com

Answer 2

I know everybody seems to think there is nothing wrong with porn, but there is plenty wrong with viewing it. When you marry, you are to only look at the nakedness of your spouse and as you have found out there is good reason for that. Your husband is supposed to let you intoxicate him only and visa versa. That's why porn should be banned from the planet. Viewing porn is a form of infidelity. It is also addictive and is ruining many marriages all over the world right now. Good luck trying to get him to stop looking at it. He will most likely tell you, he is a man and all men look at it, and there is nothing wrong with it. Wrong.

One suggestion is to tell your mate what you are thinking, he is not a mind reader. You should have told him what you were expecting and your disappointment in his lack of interest in you and his obvious attraction to the other women.

You should tell him to choose between you and porn. Then go from there.

Answer 3

The porn has a sense of mystery to it. Part of the problem is that you two have become so open and comfortable with each other, that there is absolutely no mystery left between the two of you. Instead of using the computer for porn, try to watch it while lying in the bed together on a dvd. This will allow the both of you to be able to touch each other freely. A lot of things change when a child is brought into the relationship. Part of the problem could be all of the stress he is under with his job and all allowing you to be a stay at home mom with your daughter. Most men find their wives more attractive after them having their child whether their bodies change or not. It is a mental thing. But, some keep picturing this as a thing to be respected for childbirth, and a child is so pure and 'clean', and it makes them look at sex in a different light. You really need to talk to him about this and find out the honest truth of how he feels and why he is not as turned on by you as he was in the beginning. I still think it is bc there is no mystery left and life has gotten in the way of your intimate relationship. The fire needs to be brought back into the relationship. Try going out for a weekend and staying in a hotel. Use candles, toys, maybe even rose petals, and wine or your choice of drink to wind down some. Get a room with a hot tub. Have someone trustworthy to sit for the baby like a gramdmother or very close friend. Turn all phones off so nothing can disturb the two of you and try to forget about everything other than each other and your sexual desires. Maybe even purchase a sex game. If nothing works, seek help from a professional marriage or sex counselor/therapist. Try that before you call it quits with him. I do not believe that he wants another woman...latino or otherwise. It is a fantasy....it is something he cannot have, and this is where that excitement comes in. Just like men who like lesbian porn. The problem with that night was that he put you on hold in order to watch the porn. That needs immediate attention....even if you have to stop all porn. What you are experiencing with him is common in relationships, and it has to do with the comfort level you are both at. So try to focus on that to see if it will help. For example, do not get undressed in front of him, lock the bathroom door when you go in there, and stay covered up as much as possible. Wear something he cannot resist one day, like some men find stilletos irrestible, but do not let him touch you or have his way when he does try it. Let him know how turned off you are by the way he initiates sex. Tell him to start slowly without touching your breasts or other parts. Allow him to go near them, but not touch him until you are ready for it. I wish you the best.

Answer 4

Well, for some reason once you're together for a while the fire on the relationship fades... I guess there isn't that unknown factor to things anymore...... I'm in a bit of a relationship rut myself (married/together almost 10 yrs). I say keep trying new things. Have a date night once a week or at least twice a month. Get all dressed up and have some fun with out the kids. Get to know each other again, don't just talk about the kids all night....

As far as the porn goes, maybe you two can use it sparingly to get things started, but don't let him get dependent on it.... Just keep the faith that things be good between you two again...

Good luck!

Answer 5

Sounds like he enjoys the porn more than enjoying you.You can' be expected to always want sex at the same time or in exactly the same way. But you should both feel that the other wants you. It's not about how often you do it or how long it lasts. Are you really what he wants. You have to find out and asking me won't help.

Answer 6

ouch he kinda slapped you in the face. If it bothers you tell him no more porn.

Guys love fantasy, which is what it sounded like it was. Fantasy is something we don't have. So maybe looking at that porn was turing him on right then.

Sounds like maybe the porn thing for him has gotten out of control. i would sit him down and talk to him about maybe you want to give it a rest and try to create more intimacy between ytou and him. but a sexy game to play with him or try role playing.

Answer 7

You need to re-evaluate why did both of you get married?
Did you get married because you liked each other for the sex?
If you married because of the sex your relationship is doomed. Sex with the same person eventually gets boring and stale and you will look for something new and different to get that excitement going.
It is wrong to feed your husband with porno while you are doing the mechanics on him to get him off. That proves to him that you are just an other sex object.
If you want this to change you need to change your attitude towards this marriage it needs an infusion of love and caring. You can change that between you and your husband slowly. If possible get counselling either from a professional or a clergy.

Answer 8

Listen don't get so down, you're overreacting and their is absolutely no reason for you to even be thinking about divorce. I have been married for 5 years now and my hubby enjoys watching Asian girls and hey I'm certainly not Asian!!
Maybe you should back off on giving him sex, maybe you're giving him too much and not allowing him to want you. The booby grab is just what they do. Now let him want you and keep yourself looking and feeling great make him work for it.

Answer 9

really talk to him about it when you're not arguing to see what he really thinks. don't just get a divorce w/o listening to his side of the story. of course he might fantasize over porn, but he probably really does love you. so just see what he really wants

Answer 10

My boyfriend looks at porn, and it freaks me out. It's not because I'm jealous but because I'm insecure. I'm sure many of those girls are more attractive than me. In general, Dan, you've been really insensitive toward people (girls, I guess) who feel strange about porn. I think that was unnecessary because you have to see, even if it is flawed, where we're coming from. Any words illuminating this interest in porn would be helpful in my getting past this.


-- Average Girl

All men look at porn -- men with hot girlfriends, men with dumpy girlfriends, men with 10 girlfriends, men with no girlfriends. The handful of men who claim they don't look at porn are liars or castrates. Tearful discussions about your insecurities or your feminist principles will not stop a man from looking at porn. That's why the best advice for straight women is this: GET OVER IT. If you don't want to be with someone who looks at porn -- if you can't handle it, AG -- get a woman, get a dog or get a blind guy.

I'm sorry if you think that's insensitive. No wait: I'm not sorry. I sincerely believe that Get Over It is the best possible advice for women bothered by porn. While men shouldn't rub their female partners' noses in the fact they look at porn -- that's just inconsiderate -- telling women that the porn "problem" can be resolved though good communication, couples counseling or a chat with your pastor is neither helpful nor realistic.

But, hey, you wanted compassion, AG, and compassion you're going to get. I sent your letter along to David Loftus, author of Watching Sex: How Men Really Respond to Pornography.

"Her letter is sweet," says Loftus. "Unlike other women, she admits to her own insecurity instead of attacking her boyfriend. It is common for women to think their men are comparing them to the gals in porn but, believe me, we don't. Men are much simpler than that: We enjoy looking. When we regard a passing Porsche with awe, it doesn't mean we really want to own one or that we hate our little Honda."

So you're a Honda, AG -- I hope this compassion stuff is making you feel better. Moving along, Loftus wonders why women who feel insecure about men looking at porn don't feel insecure when their men leave the house. "The women he sees on the street every day," says Loftus, "are far more accessible than the ones on the page, his VCR and computer screen. But it's a lot of work to get to know someone new, and we tend to like our significant other for a host of reasons besides mere looks."

My boyfriend and I haven't had sex in a couple of months. We have been together for over a year and he wants to get married. We used to have a lot of sex -- good sex. And, no, I haven't suddenly become a fat, ugly sow who's lousy in bed. He enjoys looking at porn sometimes, and his library of porn tapes contains over 50 videos. He doesn't watch them often, but I have found always his interest in porn obnoxious, especially now that we're not having sex. What's going on here?


-- Going Crazy in Portland

"There are so many things that affect frequency, from overwork to depression," says Loftus. "Before we go blaming pornography, it's important to know where his head is at: How does he feel about the frequency of your lovemaking? Does he have any theories or solutions? And does he expect (and more important, want) the sex situation to improve after marriage? If you haven't discussed these issues with him, you need to get on it right away. And don't mention porn. That's an easy excuse -- a red herring -- that can sidetrack the discussion to the detriment of deeper, more important issues."

A few months ago, my fiancé found some of my porn videos and threw them out, telling me how much they upset her. We've been dating for six years; as of two years ago, I have been officially banned from going to the strip club with my friends. I should also mention that whenever an attractive woman walks by, I have to look at the floor for fear that a stray glance will enrage my fiancé. Her take is that looking at other women borders on cheating.

She cried and cried this evening, sobbing that she doesn't understand why I need to so much as look at other women, saying it makes her feel like I'm not satisfied with her. I feel that pornography isn't cheating; if anything, it probably prevents a lot of men from cheating. By the way, my fiancé is a beautiful girl with a great body, so I can't understand how low self-esteem is such a factor. Any suggestions?


-- Porn Controversy

First, a little insensitivity: You'd have to be an idiot to marry this insecure, inconsiderate bag of slop. She throws your stuff away? You can't look at a pretty woman on the street? That's the sort of crap you squelch before you marry someone, PC, unless you're really looking forward to that first divorce. If you love her and want to marry her, do her the favor of leveling with her: Of course you're not satisfied with just one sex partner -- no man ever is!

Men aren't wired for monogamy. Period. It's one thing for a woman to ask her man to make that commitment and be faithful; it's quite another for that woman to ask man to pretend that he's not even remotely interested in having sex with other people -- to pretend, essentially, that he isn't a man.

But the true measure of a man's love isn't that he doesn't desire others -- it's that he doesn't act on his desire for others. If your fiancé can't see that, well, she has no understanding of men's sexuality and consequently no business being in a relationship with a man.

Once more, for emphasis: I wouldn't marry this woman if I were you. If you must marry her -- if you love her and stuff -- you'll have to do what millions of other men in your shoes do: Tell the wife what she wants to hear, hide the porn and pray you don't get caught.

And now for a little compassion from Loftus: "Pornography shocks a lot of young women because they don't understand the role it plays in many men's lives. Tell your girlfriend that you aren't comparing her to the women in porn (you aren't, are you?), so it's not an expression of dissatisfaction with her. It's just another way of expressing your sexuality. But if your girlfriend's mind is made up about this, if she isn't willing to listen to you, then maybe you should think about whether this relationship is worth the constraints she insists on putting you under" (which is Loftus' compassionate way of saying you would have to be an idiot to marry this insecure, inconsiderate bag of slop).