Getting married soon, but unsure, hurt and confused!?

Question

My fiance and I have been together for five and a half years. recently, we moved in together. He and I are traditional (old fashioned) in the way of our relationship. I cook and clean; however, he seems to be doing nothing...he has grown up with a mother that does it all for him and I feel less than worthy whenever I can't get things done like how his mother does....yet, i work full time, go to school three nights a week, and am planning this wedding...i am starting to question why he even wants to marry me as i don't see myself being of any real importance in his life...i know that sounds AWFUL...i just don't want to call off a wedding that has already been started with my bridesmaides already having bought their dresses and everything else coming together...I talk to him about what I feel and he makes fun of me...I ask him to help out with certain things cuz I am so busy, and he says okay, but never does...I love him, but i don't know what to do...i need some advice. thanks

Answer 1

if he grew up to expect this of women that's how he is going to be unless u stop it now. this is something u needed to discuss before committing to him and planning a wedding. its true that u really never know anyone until u live with them. this is no way for him to treat his future wife, to laugh at u when u have legitimate issues with him. u don't feel important because he doesn't want to see your side of it. i would tell him that u might be calling off the wedding if this is going to be your life with him. tell him u don't feel respected or listened to. but if he isn't doing his share, maybe he thinks this is suppose to be what marriage is all about given his upbringing, and his mom may have ruioned him for any possibble chance of making any woman happy. he sounds a bit immature, have u had any pre marriage counciling yet, it might work.

Answer 2

don't feel less than worthy because although his mother seemed to be doing it all for him, she was probably not working and going to school 3 nights a week. Put a priority on things and if you can't get something done without help, don't do it. You are important to him for doing these things, but the question you should be asking, is he important to you? If he is taking you for granted now, he most likely will after the marriage so you have to ask yourself if this is what you want for the rest of your life.
What is he doing while you are working and at school?
If you are uncertain of what to do, the best thing to do might be to postpone the marriage until you are certain and perhaps even suggest counseling together before the marriage so that you both understand what you are getting in to. the fact that he makes fun of you when you talk to him about how you feel is a bad sign that he may not be the person you think he is or fell in love with, or even a bad choice on your part. and it is better to find that out now rather than after the marriage.

Answer 3

You do need to have a serious talk with him... but to question things before you get married is NORMAL!! I was 17 and was thinking a lot about if getting married so young was the right thing to do. When I did get married I also felt obligated to clean and cook all the time. TRY THIS... let his laundry pile up for a while, (or even the dishes) until he mentions something then go into a SERIOUS conversation about how you are trying to do everything and that it is not possible. Your first year of living together will be the toughest. Just keep trying to work things out and you will be fine. Communication Is The Key.

Answer 4

Well, I must say this sounds like much more than cold feet. Your instincts are trying to tell you something and you are trying to find ways to ignore them. Trust them. You obviously need to think this over very seriously before you go forward with this wedding. His reaction to the way you are feeling is not a good indication as to how he will deal with future marital problems that may and do arise.

Not wanting to call off the wedding because everyone has put some time and money into this is not a good enough reason to go on with something that you clearly are having second thoughts about. You are not buying a car, or a blouse, you are buying into a committed relationship that you will have to deal with, not everyone else involved in the wedding. When you marry someone, you marry them with the idea that it is 'til deal do you part. Are you ready to do this with this man? Do you see yourself growing old with him. Seems to me like the "traditional" part of your relationship will benefit him, not you. Especially since you are obviously not a "traditional" woman. You work full time, go to school and are handling all the chores in the home. That, my dear, is not traditional.

Maybe what you should do instead of calling it off is postpone the wedding. Take some time to yourself and really think about what you really want to do. If you do this, he may not find it so funny and make fun of you.

I just recently broke off with my husband of 25 years. It was a pretty much 75/25 kindo f relationship, instead of 50/50. I'm exhausted and am so happy that I finally have the freedom to be myself. Don't do that to yourself. You need someone who is going to make you happy, not June Cleaver. Unless, he is willing to work and you can stay home all day and cook, iron, do all those wonderful things that women did years ago when the men brought the money home and the wife took care of the home. That was a full time job in itself. Those days don't exist anymore.

Answer 5

I think you should really take a few moments to consider the situation you are getting yourself into. You seem to be doing all the housework which is definitely unfair, seeing as how you are also juggling work and your education. If talking to him about chipping in with the housework doesn't seem to be working, then you really need to think whether or not you can stand to have the burden on the housework on your shoulders for the next ten/fifteen years of marriage. And if he's making fun of you when you try to talk to him about it, then what is it going to be like when you ask for his help with the future children?

I think the signs are there pointing to a postponement of the wedding until the issues you have are resolved. Try couples counseling! It can make things a lot clearer to both of you as far as the demands of marriage and the division of responsibilities.

By the way, it makes more sense to me to piss off a few bridesmaids by canceling a wedding then to spend over Five Thousand dollars down the road on a messy divorce.

Answer 6

so, you're willing to commit your life to an ungrateful, unsupportive man just because your bridesmaids have already bought some dresses? i would rather refund the maids for their dresses, call off the wedding, and save myself the time, money, and heartache of a terrible marriage. it doesn't matter if the wedding is tomorrow, the cost of the wedding or expectations of others shouldn't even be a factor in your decision. my cousin called off her wedding last year. it was about a month away, she obviously had already put down a lot of money to secure the church, reception site, her dress, etc. whenever the topic comes up, she says that even thought it was a hard decision and she thought people might judge her harshly, she is very happy that she didn't go through with it just to keep up appearances.

Answer 7

Your fiance has not learnt to be on his own yet. He was living with mommy and mommy did everything for him. Now he has found you and he is expecting to carry on that tradition. He might be a very decent guy but regarding doing things and helping around he has not learnt to do that. He does not feel it is his responsibility to get involved.
It is you who has to set down the law and tell him that he has a responsibility towards your relationship. He needs to get active in the required needs.
Tell him that you can not picture a future with his kind of attitude and you are questioning your up coming wedding and if this does not change the wedding will get cancelled and he can go home to his mommy.

Answer 8

You really need to sit down and have a serious conversation with him. If he can't take this marriage seriously, why would you want to marry him? If you're unhappy with the division of labor now, imagine how it will be when you have been married for ten years. If he's not willing to get off his booty a bit and do some work, then you need to reconsider this marriage. Who wants a husband who just expects you to be his mother all over again? How frustrating. Push back the wedding if you must, but you need to get a straight answer out of your guy. Good luck!

Answer 9

I'm in a similar situation but I'm already married. Getting married is not going to help! You definitely need to talk to someone about it. we have been married three years, I too am a full time student, work 2 jobs, and take care of the house stuff (finances, laundry, dishes...) My mom was a single mom for many years and we were raised to help her out with chores and do a lot of things for ourselves. But My husband's mom and sisters did everything in their household (women do housework, men bring in the money). Until I really pointed it out I don't think he was really aware of how much I do. This is the major reason we are having problems. To further complicate things he is really one of my best friends and this is compromising our friendship too. I really think you should try to get some help or guidance before you go through with the marriage. And the bridesmaids, they're your friends? They should want you to be happy. Best wishes to you, good luck with school!

Answer 10

It would be extremely foolish to get married at this time when you are having reservations. Defer the marriage, and get your bridesmaids to put their dresses in the wardrobe.

Your prospective husband needs to be made aware that there are serious issues here, and if they are not resolved before you marry, then likely your marriage will be short-lived.

The bottom line love, is he is simply a lazy toad, aided and abetted by his mother. If he has no respect for your time and commitments before you are married, what will he be like after you are married.

Seems like he wants a mother for a wife, and be careful that he doesn't look for a mistress when you are too tired to want sex.