Opinions on when to tell my 7 year old son he is adopted by my husband?

Question

My son has no memory of his biological father and the only dad he knows is my husband. Is he old enough to understand if I told him now?

Answer 1

The longer you leave it - the harder it will be - for you - and especially for him.

If you leave it too long - your son could be very angry about it also.

It's his truth - he deserves to know it - ASAP.

Answer 2

I was in a very similar situation a couple of years ago. We decided to tell my son when he was 6. We really had no set age, but decided he was mature enough to handle it and WE wanted to be the ones to tell him. (There is always someone who will spill the beans if the parents don't)

We sat him down one night and said we had a story to tell him. It was the true story of how Daniel came to be. It started with mommy dating a man by the name of ________. This man and mommy made a wonderful little boy. Sadly _______ was not able to be a daddy just yet. Then a wonderful thing happened and mommy met Tom and fell in love and Tom was very happy to be Daniel's daddy.

We asked Daniel if he understood and he said "Does this mean that dad isn't my real dad and I have another dad somewhere". We told him dad was always his daddy, but that he had a biological father somewhere.

He took it really well. In fact the next day he told his younger brother who wanted to know if HE had another dad. He was a bit put out that he didn't lol.

In the past 2 years Daniel has asked a few times about his biological father. I give him as honest an answer as I can. He has sain someday maybe he will want to meet him and I told him that's ok. It has not affected his relationship with his Daddy tho.

I really think the younger they are when they find out and the honesty you give them helps. I was adopted by my grandparents when I was 9 and found out by accident. It was terrible and took years for my parents and I to heal from it.

Good luck. I hope it goes as well for you as it did for my son and his daddy and I.

Answer 3

The sooner the better. It's not good that you've waited this long already - because now there has to be the "revelation".

All studies on the well being and adjustment of adopted children show that children are better off knowing they are adopted from their earliest understanding of the concept.

All you can do now is try to break it to him in the most sensitive way. I would suggest contacting an adoption counselor who might make some helpful recommendations on how to have that conversation with your 7 year old.

Good luck!

Answer 4

Hi,

My opinion is to tell him today or within the next couple of days, don't delay. Adoptees, even those only adopted by one parent, do need to know the truth for many reasons.

I think it would be best if you told him together and you made it very clear to him that you are willing to answer any question he has about his biological father at any time. Emphasize your absolute openness on the subject.

Additionally, be honest with him on your reasons why you waited until now, otherwise he may make some incorrect inferences. Let this openness remain, be ready for any sort of reaction (positive, negative, indifferent) and for his reaction to change as he ages.

You and your husband should realize your son may want to know his biological father at any point. His curiosity is normal and healthy. Or he may be curious but afraid to show it out of loyalty to his dad.

Depending on the circumstances, you may or may not be able to arrange for them to meet. If it is not possible, explain why and that you imagine they will meet some day.

If there is negative information about his biological father, either let him discover it himself or, if necessary, tell him in the gentlest way because what he learns about his biological father has an effect on how he thinks of himself.

Lots to think about, and you might be feeling a little nervous or worried. Or maybe not (I'm not sure where you are with this). I feel that your honesty and openness with your son on this truth will strengthen the relationship between him and you, and between him and your husband.

While in my opinion it would have been preferable to tell your son at an age earlier than 7, it sounds like you're now ready and I wish you, your husband and your son the very best!

Answer 5

I would not tell him ever. I am in the same situation and i will never tell my son that the dad that has been raising him is really not his father.Why open a world of new problems if not need to be opened? It would make it even worse if you have a child by your husband your with now. When your son grows up or even as he is growing up now he might feel that him and his sibling was treated different. He might feel that he was/is the outcast of the family. I know that how i would feel, so thats why i would never say anything to my son.

Answer 6

I agree with everyone who said to do it ASAP. I have always known I was adopted and so it was never a big shock. I had a friend and 2 cousins (not siblings) who found out later in life that they were adopted. The friends situation was that he was raised by his grandparents, like me, but he didn't find out until Jr. High. The cousins found out that the man they thought was there father really wasn't. It was REALLY painful and confusing to them to find this out. They felt they couldn't trust their families anymore, were embarrassed that others knew and they didn't, they were angry, confused, they felt betrayed...all the while I've known forever and I'm SO thankful for that. In my opinion even 7 is way too late, but whats done is done so you just need to make sure you tell him as soon as you can to avoid even more pain later on. The longer you wait, the harder it will be.

Answer 7

My boys were conceived via IVF and we have been telling them about it since before they could understand - in the hopes that this will just be a part of who they are and not a big shock later on.

I think if you gently introduce this subject to your son and talk about how his Daddy chose to be his Daddy then he will understand.

Maybe you could buy a lovely book to commemorate his adoption by your hubby. There are lots of books available for children. Here is a link to a few...
http://www.amazon.com/s/ref=nb_ss_b/002-3147018-2012839?initialSearch=1&url=node%3D4&field-keywords=adoption

Most of all encourage him to ask questions and let him know how loved he is by both of you. Children have an amazing ability to cope with all kinds of things that we don't give them credit for...

Good luck,
mum2MH

Answer 8

It wouldn't surprise me if he has a strong inkling that he's adopted, already. Something like that is hard to keep secret. Obviously, at some point you'll have to tell him for his medical history. My suggestion would be for you and your husband to tell him as soon as possible. Better late than never. Have books on adoption ready in case your son has questions. Good luck.

Answer 9

I was forced to tell my little boy when he was 5 that my husband wasnt his bio dad, it broke his heart, all the adoption has gone through and hes so pleased, you just have to reassure them that nothing will or has changed, we told our son that an adoption makes his dad his proper dad anyway that seemed to help, good luck and its down to you when you tell him no one else!
My sister was told at 5 that my dad adopted her she was never the same with him again (her words) he also adopted my brother he was told at 15 and it tortured him but he is so protective of my dad and wont hear any mention of adoption his dad is his dad!
So it just depends on the certain person, good luck xx

Answer 10

IMMEDIATELY. Tell him immediately. He should have been told long before now, starting as a baby, so that it would always be a part of his memory. But since you can't go back and change things now, please tell him ASAP. The longer you wait the harder it will be (for all of you), and the more betrayed and lied to he will feel.

Answer 11

Speaking as mother myself, I would say as soon as a child is old enough to talk is the time to tell about adoption. I am not an adoptive mother, but I am a natural mother. My raised children were told about their sister as soon as they were old enough to talk. We went through a picture album of mine that had some pictures of her in it and I told them about the sister they didn't know. ( They do know her now as we are in reunion and it has been good for them because they did know about her and fully expected to us to have her back someday ) I would say that this is information your son should know as soon as possible as possum said. It is his information and while right now he is very young, someday he may want to find his natural father and to learn for himself about the man who helped create him. If he is loved by you and your partner there is no reason for you to worry that he will maybe look for the absent father, because he will be secure in the knowledge that you both love him and will support him whatever he should decide to do. Our heritage is important to us, and even though his father is not what you wish for your son, in the end it is your son who must determine this for himself and choose what what he wants to do.