My Dad is 60s and I am 30s and I have a family. I grew up with all of my relatives including him using racist names for other races. I always new it was wrong, but chimed in with them in my youth as I was lead to believe it was ok by the people I was supposed to respect.
I am white and married a black woman and we have a beautiful child. My father stopped using bad names for blacks a year or 2 after I was married. He's visiting our area from out of state and he started using words for other races like Julio's for hispanics, and towel heads for arabic people, around my 3 year old daughter and me. I told him he needs to stop that and never do it again around my daughter. But he insists they are not racists names just "funny" names and refuses, and has walked out or hung up on me 3 times now. I told him that I am sorry but he is not welcome to spend time with my family until he can give me a commitment to not use those words around us any more. I willnot let it slide anymore b/c mychild
2007-10-26 18:33:40 · 13 answers · asked by mjefferson96 5 in Family & Relationships ➔ Family
If you choose to have a relationship with your dad, that's your business, but what will you say to your child when she wants to know why she cannot see him? He's okay for me but not you. Respect your initial decision and protect your family from a man that failed to protect you.
2007-10-26 18:38:22 · answer #1 · answered by Thinkaboutit 4 · 2⤊ 0⤋
Your Dad was brought up in a different time and culture than you. When he was a child, unfortunately, it was acceptable to use the types of words you describe. In his mind the words he uses are "funny names". He doesn't stop to think about the impact they have on the people he's referring to. The "funny names" are just as damaging to the respective cultures as the "n" word is to black people. How did you approach the subject with your Dad? Did you insist he not use the words or did you explain your reason for not wanting him to use them? How did he come to stop using slang toward blacks once you got married? Was it because of a conversation with him or your insistance that he not use those words?
You're right to protect your child from being exposed to such language. Is it necessary for you to cut off relations completely with your Dad? Only you and he can answer that question. If you feel you've done everything you can to get through to him, do what you feel is right. He's making a choice to not have you and your family in his life by continuing to be offensive. I don't think you're wrong.
2007-10-27 02:02:23 · answer #2 · answered by innerradiancecoaching 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I agree you should not let it just slide, but maybe it would be worth talking to your dad about it a bit more - he has stopped it for your wife's racial background, so must have thought about that a bit. Maybe he feels this is a very strong ultimatum and feels attacked and has got a bit defensive. It would be a shame for your all to not see your dad because of this. Maybe you could put the ball in his court gently - remind him that your daughter is too young to understand his humour and to not take things said literally. Then maybe ask him how to deal with it other than him not saying these things - assuming he does not want his grandaughter to think she is not as good as he is for being racially a bit different - might be worth giving something like that a try rather than having fights about it. Good luck with it, hope it works out.
2007-10-27 01:49:59 · answer #3 · answered by Max 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
It sounds as if your dad is a bit stubborn and probably doesn't really wish too offend you or the people he may call names. He's probably a bit lonely and sees that you probably don't have alot of time for him anymore so to under your skin a bit he says these things just too annoy you. Also I understand that you don't want your daughter too hear those things from your dad but guess what...he's your dad and you are your daughters father. Its up too you too explain the difference between right and wrong just as you had too learn the difference. Your daughter will hear alot of things growing up in life that you won;t be around to shield all the time but its up too "you" too let her know when she hears these things that they are wrong, hurtful and ignorant. Don;t be so hard on your dad sir and never limit your time with him because when he's gone that's it. you don't want to try and reconcile at his funeral because by then its too late. Fathers love too get under their sons skin from time to time. Believe me my dad has been doing it for years. So like I said before your dad will respect you and your family. He's been around for alto longer than you have and your not going too change him at all. Especially at the grand old age of 60. You can forget it. So my last suggestion too you is be patient and don't shun your child from her grandfather and vice versa.
2007-10-27 01:47:19 · answer #4 · answered by edawg32 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Good for you. It may be true that your father does not mean it in a disrespectful way but the rest of the world sees it that way. This is not about you it is about your daughter who is very impressionable. i would not hold it against your father but I would stand firm on the issue. Make sure that he knows you are not attacking him but that you do not want your daughter thinking that it is OK to use those words. A reasonable person would have no trouble with that request.
2007-10-27 01:39:50 · answer #5 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
I would have a talk with him and tell him that he raised his children the way he saw fit and now you are raising yours the way you see fit. Tell him he is always welcome to come to your home but you will not stand for these names being said in front of your children. Tell him that you would appreciate his respect on this issue and if he cannot respect your wishes then you will not want him to be around your children.
2007-10-27 02:03:55 · answer #6 · answered by craft painter 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I think that is reasonable of you. Just continue to make it clear what the issue is. You can still care for your dad and talk to him on the phone, but I agree that he should not spend time with your family until he stops using derogatory terms.
2007-10-27 01:40:04 · answer #7 · answered by the Boss 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Ok, dont stress over this, as long as you know youve tryed youve said, sorry to him and his still acting like a child [[sorry]] then thats all on him. you've sad sorry you've called and he doesnt want to then just drop it call him atleast one more time or text him or whatever source you've got and simply tell him this "...Dad im not holding no grudges agianst you, I love you with all my heart i just wish you'd want to spend time with my family and not say nothing rasist but if your not willing to then thats on you life is to short and you never know if I'll be here or you'll be here with minutes ,seconds, ect... I hope you reflect because im here for whenever your ready, I love you...." and I hope that helps dont stress or think about it because you've done alot to make him change.
2007-10-27 15:56:20 · answer #8 · answered by starburstwuver 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I'm with you. At some point in your dads life, he needs to grow up. My dad was the same and my brother too. I have never been like them in that way or thought of others like they have. I went my way and they went theirs...I won in the end and they never grew up. Life is to short to be bitter towards others, but when someone judges others by the color of their skin...the one judging is the one that becomes the problem and the out cast....
Good luck
2007-10-27 01:40:21 · answer #9 · answered by Churryl K 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
You can't change people. All you can do is influence your own actions and those of your child. Your dad won't be around forever - and neither will you or your child. Make the most of the time you have.
2007-10-27 01:39:39 · answer #10 · answered by Dave 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋